for every win, someone must fail

...but there comes a point when, when we exhale.


dude,
i've been trippin. i've been hibernating in this cave of self pity and not even realizing it lol. c'mon now, i'm better than that. i've been spending the last few weeks feeling subconsciously sorry for myself, wondering why my past months have been filled with such pain and stress and tears and trying to understand what i did to deserve it. feeling a bit victimized and used and walked over, wishing things never happened....well let me be the first to say, i'm done with that - that's more draining than moving forward. and i appreciate my friends for helping me realize it :)

out of all the misfortune that was cast my way, so many better things have come from it - be it experiences, new people, thoughts..i've grown. i am stronger now than ever. i'm [almost] angry at myself for thinking, even for a second, that i'd let a few trip ups have the weight to knock me down...and keep me down?! no dude, that's not how i roll. i will not let someone else's mistake take precedence over my ability to trust, or love or respect again. if anything, i will just love better, respect harder, and invest trust in those who actually deserve it instead . I am thankful for the situations i've endured - both with friends and ones i've loved, because ultimately, i still made it out on top ( like the champion that i am!). yes, i am a little bruised and scratched up from my fall, but those too will fade with time. because see, i cannot change what has come of the past, but i can change what i make of my future.

my mistake? i was completely misreading my signs. i felt that because i couldnt attach to others like i used to, that i was cold, and selfish - but i am just being more careful of who i trust. i took my lack of wanting to talk to people or open up, as an emotional shut down - but i've just become less reliant on others for comfort. i took my want to spend more time alone, as me being distant and angry - but in fact, i just take more joy in self reflection and self-fulfillment. i am actually not shattered, i just have my shit SO together. :D

now as history would show, i found myself in a situation where i was completely taken advantage of by someone i really trusted, and as much as that hurt, it took me time to realize that it doesnt take away from the memories we share, or the many firsts we experienced together, or the jokes we have that will never get old, our the countless things in this beautiful world of ours that remind us of all the endless good times we have. he was too bomb! being in love is an experience i wouldn't trade for anything in the world. it's amazing. it would be a shame for me to cut off any possibilities of feeling that again with anyone becuase of a few obstacles. i am still a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me - i wouldn't be faced with anything i couldn't handle. i have moved forward from this experience with a CLEARER outlook on life, not necessarily better or worse, but i understand it. and i have a more realistic expectation, but with my optimism that i can't help but let shine through, i'm more than positive i'll be just fine.
and obviously, things will not always happen the way i would like them to, no matter how good of a person i am, or how hard i love somebody, shit happens. and i'll admit, before, i was too naive to realize that. i tried to find explanations to figure out why i ended up getting the treatment i did, but the reality is that there is no explanation. it happened. the reason? so we could grow, either individually or collectively, we are wiser and stronger and better equipped for life. -- and the same applies to all my friendships gone awry. i do not understand all the mistakes i have made, and i do not hold any one else's against them. but all i can do is give my best (whether you feel it's my best or not) and hope for the same respect in return. i have not negated the fond memories, or the good laughs, or the priceless experiences; i never have and i do not plan to. because if a close friendship is not what God has in store, at the end of the day, i still respect you as a human, and a person i once shared many irreplaceable moments with - moments of tears or moments of laughter, they still are apart of me, and make me the woman i am today and i wouldnt dare deny it. you too have helped me grow.


so ultimately, no, i do not wish to undo the painful mistakes that take residence in my past, because now, [since my niece is too young to be bothered with friend and love drama at the tender age of four and one-third years old....] when my friends experience their first heartaches, they come to me for comfort and advice (because not everyone's parents are as great & understanding as mine were when i was going through it). and as backwards as it may seem, i'm glad i can empathize and give them guidance and realistic advice that i wish my peers couldve given me, as opposed to the clichés they may get from others who don't quite understand. i like who i've become, and although i am not perfect, i do strive to be my best. so do not expect perfection. you will only be greatly disappointed. because i am human, and i am not afraid to own up to my mistakes. so i will not deny my past, because i can only learn from it and make the necessary changes to pave my way for like...the best future EVER!

" sometimes you'll laugh. sometimes you'll cry.
life never tells us the whens or whys.
but when you've got friends to wish you well.
you'll find your point when you will exhale..."

-Exhale(shoop shoop), Whitney Houston

i'm back!

throw your ones up in the air for her

Houstatlantavegas - Drake

so i thought there was a color scheme to my blog, but i guess not so much anymore, huh?

[feel free to play the song. it's a good one *sigh*]
so i've been spending the last few months stressing about finding something do for summer, like an internship, specifically a paid one, because we all are aware that there's like this huge recession or whatever - so apparently paid internships are extremely scarce, or maybe just in the city of LA and in my field of interest...but regardless, seeing as how i'm about to be a junior in college (whoa, that sounds so legit) it's about that time where i start thinking about a career....gahh! but anyway, i'm at a slight disadvantage with all this summer searching shiz. like some of the UCs and NorCal schools, i don't get out for summer until mid june, so by the time i get home all of the normal jamba juice, hollister, swim instructor-type summer jobs are taken (not that those are the types of jobs i'm looking for...) and most of the internship programs have already commenced so i'm essentially screwed. so i hit up a few of my connects (yeah, i've got connects), and i found myself a job! i'm not going to say where, for reasons i do not need to disclose, but i've got a badge, and i'll be making moneyyy... legally. and i swear it's extremely legit, i wouldn't settle for anything less lol. and don't worry, i won't be working at a strip club for those of you who assumed there was any meaning behind me posting the song. it simply fit my mood. so yes i've got a summer income, and yes i'll be able to choose my own hours, but i must admit, the most relieving part about this whole ordeal is that i won't have to take a drug test! (i worked at this same place last summer and had a nervous break down because i wasn't aware there was going to be a drug test..........ALL BAD.) so yeah, that's a huge load off my shoulders because not knowing where i'd have to end up working, i've been putting in overtime trying to make sure i'm clean as a whistle by the time i got home...well, not really, but i had planned to start that process soon-ish.... but eff that. now i can still partake in the FUN.

lol oh please. judge me. i'm in college!

damn, aint it crazy when youre love swept...

NOBODY likes to play with a ball hog

watching someone hog the ball (feel free to take this metaphor as literally as you'd like lol) is like THE most annoying, frustrating, bothersome, infuriating, irritating thing ever in the history of the world! ...Yet and still, every group of friends has one. That one person working extra hard, trying to do all kinds of outlandish shit, who can't help but work to keep the attention on him or herself at all times..just trying to show off... yep. you all know as soon as i said that one of your friends immediately came to mind lol. I've definitely had a gooood share of ball hogs in my lifetime, the kind that do it without thinking twice.. and let me tell you, after a while that shit gets TOO old. And let me clear this up now by saying, in no way am I jealous of these ball hogging friends of mine, (I definitely don't need a lot of attention from a lot of people to feel loved or special) but at times, I actually sympathize for them. More often than not, they're they kind of people that only feel a sense of importance when all eyes are on them. Showing off, doing little tricks (literally & metaphorically) in front of the crowd, knowing that that's not who they are behind closed doors - or for the sake of the metaphor, 'off the court' lol. Trying to be the star of the show..all night..every night, just trying get the stats, trying to one-up everyone on their team. and me, I've just been running up & down with the folks, calling these cats my partners, knowing that as soon as there's a crowd they could give a fuck less about me - this is their show. So I suck it up, I try to deal with it in the most effective way. Of course I vent every now & then to the others...

-me: ...aye, um, is it just me or....
-friend: Nah girl, its not just you...

But ultimately I just suck it up. Let that ball hog get all the attention he or she needs to feel like they fit in with the team - or better yet, stand out. Who am I to force them to feel less adequate? by all means, let them do what they gotta do, right? because after all, it all boils down to the fact that I just don't need 'the ball' to feel special - I'm the fuckin [wo]man! (it just doesnt work as well as saying 'man!') On the court, off the court, ball or no ball, I know what I'm capable of and i know I'm the shit -- i need not convince others that i am cool. Ask about me. Lol, no, but seriously, I've grown to not need attention to feel special. I don't need a crowd to feel respected, I don't need everyones eyes to feel seen. And as much as it seems I may work for attention, as cocky as it may sound, its my natural personality that attracts the attention I get, I'm not putting in overtime, despite what it may seem/what people may think...(anyone with a sense of confidence knows what i mean..).. I know who I am and I do take great pride in it, and I don't need others' approval to feel that way. I prove it to myself.

I'm not playing a game and I'm not putting on a show. I'm me, on and off the court. Lol, I'm my own MVP - 'give a fuck whatchoo think..

:)

see, i love you and everything, but...

I hope me speaking on this isn't too weird.
But over the last few weeks, Ive been feeling myself changing. I felt myself become a liiiittle bit more self-centered. spending more time catering to myself versus catering to those around me. i started spoiling myself instead of doing things others' would like me to do. I've been spending too much of my life trying to be someone specific to everybody else & not living enough for me, that I'd actually get mad at myself for falling short of others' expectations. and vice versa - in no way should other people's inability to be who I think they should be upset me as much as it has in the past; i care, but the people i surround myself with are not mine to control. that's their life and this is mine. so lately, I started doing the things I, deep down, know I want to do but have always been too afraid to attempt in fear of my loss being greater than my reward. But I effed that. I stopped being so naïve and I started giving myself the respect I've always always always deserved - because if I don't, no one else will.

So my life no longer revolves around any of you (no offense). I do the things I want, when I want and how I want. I am not yours to regulate or control (which doesn't connote that I'm some wild rebellious whore-ish criminal, I am still a lady, but a lady with immense integrity)

The "unfortunate" part of this newfound wonderfulness (wonderful to me at least) is that I have essentially become numb. I am no longer able to care so much about how my actions affect others, because if everyone stopped doing what they wanted because someone was opposed to it, the people of the world would make no progress. I cannot be affected by your frustration, disappointment or sadness. Although I do feel bad for causing anyone anything but happiness, I'd be a fool to let it get in the way of my personal goals. Because I do have goals. Although I prefer you, know that I do not 'need' you. We are all but accessories in each others' lives and as much as we all know I looove accessories, they do not make me - they simply add to me. I found myself getting so caught up in trying to not take people for granted that I ended up taking myself for granted. I tried so hard to make people feel loved & feel special that I forgot to love myself to my fullest, bestest potential. But I'm letting you all know that that stops here.

I love you, I just love me more... ; )

sticks and stone may break my bones...and words can hurt too, shit.

it's funny when girls comment on their man's photo saying something blatantly mean...knowing it's a great picture too.
like "you think you look cute, huh? well you're not! haaaa!" or "hahaha...look at your smile. how embarrassing!" or "hmm...why have i never noticed that one eye is bigger than the other? lmao! we may have to rethink some things" or just blatantly commenting something nice on everyone in the picture but him - meanwhile all the other comments are just super complimentary.....yeah...we've all seen it. i must say i've been a victim to the uncontrollable-comment-hate myself. i didn't realize how common it was though. i think it's because once we, as THE female, set up camp on a dudes life, we get comfortable. meanwhile, there are the ladies out there still working to get a certain dude to give them attention, so they're still in the phase where they have to shoot compliments and smiley faces to let dudes know how sweet and nice they are..and hoping something will come of that..well since we're already 'in there' we show that by doing the exact opposite and let our man know we like him by telling him how "retarded" he looks....*smh*

so i was trying to think why we just turn so ...rudely mean all of a sudden?? so i thought...and thought...and it didn't take much thinking for me to realize that it's kind of like our subliminal way of claiming our territory. when you see a girl comment something not so nice on a dude's picture, another female can only assume "oh, she must already have a comfortable and established relationship with this guy.." otherwise, she is just being completely out of pocket...

so i thought and thought some more...and guys (meaning ladies) that's so rude of us! i've seen incidences of these sorts get out of hand...with picture...after picture...after picture...yeeeeeahh....
i mean, i understand what we're trying to do (notice how i'm saying 'we')..kind of like a flirting type thing...but after a while, you're just being a little extra. i mean, guys have feelings too and for you to just shit on something they may be taking pride in or that may be boosting their confidence (or lack there of), it's just kind wrong after a while. (of course the occasional mean/sarcastic joke is fair flirting game), but why can't we as girlfriends or main girls...or whatever your relationship status may be..shoot an "aww, babe, you look sooo nice!!" or " i'm so glad you're mine. :)" or maybe even a "DAMN BABY! you look hella fine right here. i just wanna.....nvm im gonna just try to keep it PG13! lol" lmao...no? too much? yeah...that last one's not really my preference, but some girls can pull it off ( more power to ya'll) and some guys may really like that...but overall, you get my point. and as women we wouldnt want our man just trashing our photos for the public to see like that, especially because girls tend to take a lot of pride in their 'cute' pictures. it gets embarrassing after a while like:

friend: "damn lil mak, isnt' that your man? why is he being so shady on your pictures??" ...
makensy: "oh...um...yeah, ha...nah, guys...he's just...kidding....he's really a sweet guy...he likes me dont worry...he's joking" ...
more friends join in: "...oh...ok....*exchanging looks*" ...

remember, showing affection is a way of subliminally claiming your 'territory' too. lol, you can flirt and still be nice...
i know that we, both men and women, just have this "fear" for lack of a better term of blending in with the rest of the people tryna holler when we're supposed to be held above that.we want our presence to be known, recognized and respected. of course, that's not much to ask. but don't beat down your man/woman's self esteem in the process. whether they know you're joking or not, people like for others to see how loved they are...it's way more of a turn on than claiming the shady-hate-commenter all the time :)

short and [not so] sweet??

this may just be my own personal bias, but i think short things are extremely great and wonderful and sweet and cute and funny...and awesome! :D

i feel like my posts just keep getting longer and longer. (don't act like you didn't notice it too.)
with each one of my fingertips that graze the keys on my oh so greasy keyboard <-- my attempt to sound poetic
it's like i make another mental connection i hadnt even previously thought to think of. (yeah, i just said that.)
my best thoughts are conceived while i'm in the shower (was that TMI?)
(or every now and then when i intensely converse with someone who understands me). (you all know who you are)
and i love my blog. (ohhh my little babooshka!)
and not just because of the blogging hype (even thought it is always nice to see your number of followers go up..:) )
but just the action of getting my thoughts out of my mind and releasing them into space in a constructive manner (i try to make sure i'm not too unjustified in posting the things i post)
and then when i get feedback. man! it's like that feeling i got when i found my Tiffany&Co. bracelet i got for my 13th birthday after having lost it for 4 years ...and finding it in my dads car (like, you want to say "i know you're here somewhere, let your presence be known!"
yeah.
so, i apologize if my long posts disinterest anyone. (i'm not actually sorry, but you understand what i mean...)
i dont really have much of a way with words...

"sharing is caring" my ass!

DISCLAIMER: i hate to say it, but i don't trust very many
men and sadly..not very many women lately either...
it comes with the territory of getting your heart broken in certain ways i guess.
youre no longer naive or a hopeless romantic, or banking on love to get you through anything.
you see the reality of how shit can really go wrong for you when you become vulnerable to someone else.
and simply put, as optimistic as you try to be, a relationship just takes on awholenother meaning to you...

with that being said...

you know why it's so difficult 'dealing with' [struggling] musicians?
because it's literally their life goal to get as much positive attention as possible,
so they have to make every female they come across feel equally as special as the next. so it doesnt help a relationship when you're sharing all your man's attention with ...a plethora of other ladies and you know his grind is his priority so its not like you can discourage it or force him to stop. and there are those females who see this shared positive male attention they're receiving as the go ahead and take extreme advantage...and ladies start to make a bad name for themselves [amongst other ladies]. so basically, when it comes down to it, who ever said "sharing is caring", didn't really think that one through all the way. sometimes sharing means NOT caring...let me explain.

i have always been a huge advocate for blaming a dude if he fucks up in the relationship by dealing with another female on a level that's not fitting for someone in a relationship (bka cheating), that's on the dude. he fucked up and stepped out of bounds. plain and simple.
but lately, seeing more and more 'cheating' situations get out of hand, females are playing a large role in it too. (not to dismiss guys all together, because obviously the point in being in a relationship is to commit to one person and resist temptation)...but theses situations are never one-sided). females need to stop "not caring" because you're only giving license for dudes to stop caring about the wrongness of their actions. if you carry yourself with dignity and integrity, men will respect you. but when you let them get away with this ....shit that they do...and letting them get at you knowing they have a girl, they will only continue to do it and even worse, start to not see a problem with it because you don't let them know it is a problem. but unfortunately, this is a fairly uncommon mindset...

I don't know when girls became so........[i can't find the word]........to put themselves in the position of the "home wrecker." like, fuck the respect you don't have for the relationship for whatever reasons, that's respect you don't have for yourself. now granted, i've never been in the home-wrecker position, so i wouldn't know 'the other side' of the story, so i'll just speak on my personal view of things and hopefully no one gets too offended. if someone's in a relationship, you step back. i don't care if the person in the relationship is flirting with you, telling you he wants you or loves you, complaining, saying they want to break up with their partner, in the midst of a break up, or simply going through a rough patch - you step back...i wouldn't even mess with a dude who's "on a break" just to prevent the drama that comes along with my involvement -- but that may just be me. and you know what the even weirder part is, these females who try to step in on relationships usually know first hand what it's like to be the girlfriend on the other side - working to make a relationship work with a man they really care about while having someone blatantly working against you to bring it down. i honestly don't get how people put themselves in the position to hurt someone (whether they know them or not) ESPECIALLY in a way that they themselves have been hurt...because ya'll know it's foul. you know what you're doing and continue to do it anyway. why would you do that ....and then on top of that, try justify it?? ha. you probably even have everyone around you disagreeing with what you're doing, advising against it, telling you to back up, and you pull some 'they don't even understand'...? yeah..okay.

i've been tuning into the media lately and i swear this mindset is like a legit disease spreading amongst some females these days. These girls will be dealing with dudes they know have a girl, and a girl they know that dude really cares about, sometimes even having met their girlfriends themselves. some examples:

• Mia from Taking The Stage - The High School Home Wrecker
• Audrina from The Hills - The You're Just Being Dumb Home Wrecker
• o'girl from Yvette's job in Baby Boy that's tryna get at Jody on the side - Dirty Home Wrecker
• John Edward's mistress/possible baby mama - The Damn, Really?! Home Wrecker
  

and i've heard the excuses. "all he does is complain about her, and tells me how i'm so easy to talk to" "if he loved her, then why does he always approach me when he sees me?" "He's always hitting me up." "i'm just going along with what he's doing." "if he's flirting with me, it's not my job to care about his girlfriend, that's up to him." ok, yeah these are all true to an extent. but honestly, i'm not buying it. First of all, yeah, relationships aren't going to be easy and sometimes people are going to need to talk to someone about their issues, that does not give you the go ahead to try to step in and be his new girl. secondly, just because he's flirting with you doesn't mean you have to give into it and flirt back if not doing more..say no thanks and keep it pushin. and um, for those of you dealing with dudes in the in between, if he didn't care about his girlfriend then why are they still consistently dealing with each other? There are so many single men in the world, and you're trying to get at the one that would come with the drama. you're trying to make him leave his girl - you really think he's worth it that bad? forget your pride...it's not about pride, because there's something a little off if you're proud of what you're doing. and on top of that, it just has to occur to you that if he's that easily tempted once that he'll most likely put himself in that position again...

so do not act like you're innocent in the situation where you're 'the other woman' and you're aware of it. you're flirting with him, talking to him, hanging out with him, making him think life would be so much easier with you. you shouldnt have to do that. it shouldnt have to come down to you getting someone to leave their relationship to be with you. (and it definitely shouldnt lead to you being ok with someone staying in that relationship and dealing with you on the side.....) whatever justifications you have, forget them. they will never make sense to me, so don't bother trying to explain. if he wanted to be with you bad enough, he'd completely break up with his girl, period. having you on the side doesnt mean he likes you more, no matter what he's telling you. hiding you, is not showing you respect. talking to you only under certain circumstances does not show that he cares. if he's in a relationship, flirting and trying to get him to like you, does not make you so innocent either just because physicalities aren't involved...yet.
don't become 'that girl' in the relationship. the one that no one cares to bring up because of the bad taste it leaves in their mouth and the discomfort it brings to any conversation. don't be the girl that people associate with drama. don't be labeled the girl that no girl feels they can trust their man around. don't be the girl labeled the ho or the home wrecker or the groupie or the nameless, faceless woman that left nothing but damage on a potentially good thing, or even worse, seen as the one thing he wishes never happened.

and although i have to say i am biased towards this situation, i have still seen my share of people going down this wrong path, and it just personally affects me. i have had many friends put themselves in that position, dealing with someone in a relationship, so i've heard a lot of stories and even more excuses. i've, proudly, seen some overcome the temptation and refuse to continue to put themselves in that position (mainly ones who have felt the pain of being the girlfriend and refuse to cause any other girl that same pain, no matter the situation), while i've seen others...a majority of others...succumb to the games, believe the lies, and walk away hurting more than what it was ever worth, having gained nothing but an emotional attachment to something that was never really there. i bring all of this up to say, i strongly discourage anyone contemplating dealing with someone in a relationship to get involved; if he cared for you the way he makes you believe he does, he wouldnt put you in that position.


no man is important enough to lose your integrity, dignity or self respect over.

and i wonder

i wonder how many people are following my blog 'anonymously'. i wonder how many people check my blog regularly. i wonder how many people want to comment on my posts but don't because they don't want me knowing they're on my page (because anonymous comments aren't actually anonymous...). i wonder how many people have already made up their mind that they don't like me, but read my thoughts and realize theres more to me than they may know, and still choose not to like me. i wonder how many people are going to read this and think i'm thinking of them as i write this. i wonder how many people think they know who each of my posts are about. i wonder how many times people take offense to my posts thinking it's about them. i wonder how many people gossip about what i write. i wonder how many random people come across my blog and can relate. i wonder how many people's lives i may have changed today, for better or for worse...if any at all...

yeeeeeeeeah...about that...

yeah, so fail on that last post about my twitter deletion..
i'm back !




follow me

man oh man..

sometimes, we feel like we're the only ones in the world dealing with the situations we find ourselves all tangled up in...until we come across one song that speaks exactly on how we feel, and we finally start to understand our emotions and realize we're not the only ones......and of course you put it that given song on repeat...

twitter, noooo!

i am not going to lie..
i miss my twitter ...a little bit...
i deleted it last week


but i will be strong...and at least try to make it until school is over...

tie my hands

we are at war with the universe.
the sky is falling.
and the only thing that can save us now
is sensitivity and compassion.
but i know one thing's for sure
i'm going to get my kicks
before it all burns down..

fuck you

FUCK. YOU.
i can't even explain to you the feeling i'm experiencing right now..
i literally cannot find the words to describe...
but, i can tell you that i'm hurt.
i'm extremely fucking offended.
it feels like september, october, november, december, january, february and march
all rolled into one.
i actually don't know who to turn to.
because i want to slap you silly [and cuss you the fuck out.]
but unfortunately, for me at least,
i feel like i have no one to talk to...
but what's the point? what does talking really do for me anyway?
this is my reality..i cannot change what has been done.
or who has done it
or why they did it.
....i thought i found it too.
i don't know why i was so stupid and so blind......
so fucking blind.
i don't wish this feeling upon anyone.
this is bigger than any boy, any relationship, any heartbreak
this is my fucked up life.
and i've let you fuck it up for entirely too long..and i can only hate myself for that.
i let you make me hate myself.....
like it was something wrong with me..
there's nothing wrong with me.
you're the fuck up.
you're twisted, and heartless, and conniving. selfish, untrustworthy....i could go on.
but i'm done wasting my energy on you.
i held all of this in for too long,
because our relationship meant more to me
than any pain or suffering i was feeling...
but i'm done.
you don't respect me
so i damn sure won't respect you.
i do not want to do this anymore.
i am going to forget you.
fuck
you

(if you assume you know who this is about,
i can guarantee you that you are wrong.)

If you press me
to say why I loved him,
I can say no more than
because he was he,
and I was I.

~Michel de Montaigne

1,117

i have one thousand one hundred and seventeen pictures of me on facebook. *smh* mind you, these are only the tagged ones (because i work at my school, many have been untagged, not to mention the pictures we all naturally un tag of ourselves...) but see, that's what facebook is for. it's all about the pictures. we've heard it all before, all throughout the night. all the "omg, profile pic!" or "i can't wait 'til you put up this album!" or "haha, i can only imagine the comments i'm going to get on that picture!" So is it reeeeally any wonder why people become so involved in your life?

i've found myself deleting my facebook more than a couple of times...it's refreshing. hell, it'd be deleted now if my job didn't encourage people to communicate with me through facebook. i've found myself caught up in so much unnecessary drama via facebook. it's ridiculous. "omg, did you see so and so wrote on makensy's wall?" umm...yeah, hi, is that not aloud now?!? isn't that the INTENDED PURPOSE of facebook, to facilitate easy communication between two or more people. it's always bad when a group of people are given a way to read a conversation between two people. they will always find ways to read into it more than necessary. it's almost like people look for the drama in a situation. i've found myself in situations where people gossip...yes gossip...about me calling a person of the opposite sex "too cool for school" or saying 'i know i haven't seen you in forever, we gotta fix that lol!" ...on their facebook wall. i dont know, maybe that was crossing the friendship line...defintely sounds like something gossip worthy to me....not. it's absurd, really.

so i was watching m and j...some weird talk show trying to be like a younger regis and kelly. they were talking about facebook and relationships and how it's the easiest way to make a relationship go down hill. there was this girl on it. apparently her boyfriend broke up with her simply by changing his facebook status from in a relationship with [her name] to single. lol. how fucked up, right? they hadn't spoken about it, they weren't fighting, he just changed it and they hadn't spoken since... the weird thing is, they're still friends on facebook. i dont know how she does it. maybe i'm just used to people that are super quick to delete someone when a given relationship goes awry........anyway, on the show they also had this relationship expert explaining all the reasons why facebook has a negative impact on a relationship. one being, via pictures, you have insight to all aspects of your partners life - how he is when he's with you, when he's with his boys, when he's at a party, when he's around other girls. and as someone in a relationship, anything that isnt 'right' to you, is a means for automatic drama. questioning "who's she...how do you know her?..how often do you guys hang out??" then as soon as you see that same girl's name appear in a mini feed or writing on your man's wall, she becomes a point of concern...or anger. as if we don't all have friends of the opposite sex who are honestly just nice friends. secondly, when you're in a relationship with someone and you write on that persons wall, you're giving the entire facebook world (your 500+ friends) insight into your relationship. they know what you say. what you did, etc...and they judge you for it. "i dont know man, makensy had this 4 comment long conversation with oh dude..this seems sketchy, she hasn't written on her boyfriends wall in 2 days..." and then rumors start to spread. and if you're saying i love you all the time and exchanging sexual innuendos with the person you "should" be talking to, then you're doing too much...too much PDA. but if you're not writing on each others' walls people are questioning if you guys are even on good terms.. "are you sure they're still together?" you'll have people looking through your pictures trying to figure out which guy in your 100+ pictures is your boyfriend. if you have too many pictures with your boo thang, you're too involved in your relationship. if you dont have that many pictures, if any at all, then you go out too much and shouldnt be in a relationship and people who notice these things are actually telling on you?!.......this shit gets too annoying. but i can't even really blame facebook, because sometimes its simply just the stalkerish people.......after all they do call it "facebook stalking"

facebook practically gives people the right to judge you and your lifestyle. and i hate that because no one should be doing that . why are you so wrapped up in my life instead of living yours??? how do my pictures, my conversations, my relationship status affect your life in any way....especially to the point where you need to report my every move? honestly. i've made it a point to cut out as many possibilities that would lead me to facebook stalk people, i'll be the first to admit that it becomes a habit once you get used to having to do it..especially when you're in a relationship and your boo is on facebook...all the females commenting on pictures saying 'that was a fun night..you look good :)'....lol, what you mean he looks good? don't tell him that! he doesnt need to know you think that...now he's gonna have a big head and i'm going to have to deal with that shit. lol................anyway, i'm writing all of this to say i've changed my social networking site ways. i don't want to be that person that checks other peoples' facebooks to see what they've been up to, who they're talking to, what new pictures they've put up. that's creepy. the same goes for twitter. however, since twitter is a site of status updates, it's a bit harder to not automatically be kept up to date on certain things when you check your home page...but i've made it a point to make sure @replies (those twitter users know what i'm talking about) do not show up on my home page (it's an option under settings, i'd advise it.) this keeps me away from a lot of the need-for-inquiring drama. i dont need to know who other people are talking to - that's between the two or more of them. especially on twitter, because wall-to-wall is not an option, you have to check the times and go from one profile to another and back and back again to understand a conversation....wtf. you are doing wayyyy too much. i try to stick to using twitterberry versus my computer because i feel like the computer just asks you to just click on that @[name] link and see what people have been writing all day and to whom. twitterberry doesnt go for that - you see what people write and only YOUR @replies. i love it. it keeps me happy with the people i surround myself with and the names i hear that don't have a face...happiness is key and ignorance is bliss.


i realize to that in order to live life that way you have to have a lot of trust. if you don't have that trust with a friend or boy/girlfriend then what are you doing with them anyway?

do you want it like i want it?

today i realized there is hope.
i fell in love with the idea of this man - J.Myers. not just because he was attractive, or his swag when he performs, but his words, his personality, his character. it let me know that there are good guys out there, because in all honesty, with the dudes i've dealt with, i was seriously losing faith in the idea of there being someone for everyone. i don't feel that i have high expectations, but you'd probably have to ask someone i've been with to get a more "realistic" answer on that. but regardless i deserve better than the shit that some of these dudes have been throwing my way. it's crazy how some people can be in some form of a relationship, caring about someone, and just intentionally doing them wrong on a consistent basis. i don't get down with that..doing things they know will hurt the one they're with. it's a character flaw, not a mistake. i will never understand that and i don't even want to try to.

but back to optimism...

today i talked to Jmyers after hearing him perform a few of his songs, but firstly, I fell in love with the concept of his music and the kind of man he portrays through his words...and in real life. my first song of choice: I Give You My Soul. "i'll give you my soul in exchange for yours. you know that i understand, girl i wanna be a man and give you my soul." i love that because that's a trap i've found myself continually falling into. giving my soul to someone who doesn't reciprocate that action. and sometimes it's just that, it takes a man to give his soul and take that leap. and having taken that jump numerous times myself, i'm tired of no one being their to catch me...at least not the right way.
I also love the line where he says "i can't let you get away. can't let you walk away from me. 'cause you're the best thing i've ever seen." i feel like i've delt with a lot of weaklings. dudes scared to show real interest in fear of getting turned down. i want a dude who doesnt take what's in front of him for granted. i like a man with a little determination. Who would stop at just about nothing just to get the chance to even talk to me. I'm definitely not one to give just anyone my attention..at least definitely not anymore. i've learned. I’ve got to see you really want it. You got to work for it. What the fuck am I going to do with a dude who’s quick to give up when presented with a challenge. What does that say about your character? Someone who’s willing to let go if he’s scared or when things are tough. That’s definitely not someone I’m trying to devote my time and effort towards. maybe you guys who complain about how 'difficult some women are to approach' need to understand that it's because we're not trying to waste our time on just anyone. i need someone deeper than an "ay ma, you lookin good.." um, yeah....ike i didn't know that...
i love that he's sweet with his words and has fun with his music. his music isn't all about showing love through sexin or a bunch of off the wall metaphors..he's straight forward with it. too many guys nowadays are playing games, either being a player, trying to be a player or just acting like they're a player when they're not. that's so overrated. he's not asking for her body, but her soul...do you understand how rare that is?!
he performed another song called Cool As A Fan, "see if i was a creep creep creep i would make your relationship a living hell...i would hack into your phone and check all of your voicemails...and if i was a jerk jerk jerk, i'd probably [something about showing up at work looking for an excuse to'go dumb' and tell you off in front of everybody]" lol..basically acknowledging all of the wack things a dude could do to a woman, (but saying he's not like that, he's just a cool dude tryna talk to a woman)...just brought me back to the reality of the dating scene and how wack it really can be at times. it's refreshing to know that a male knows how lame males can be....and is trying not to be that.

even after the show, talking to him, he wasn't trying to be a ladies man or get everyone's attention. he was truly humble and seemed like a good guy. it's funny how all the ladies were saying he must have a girlfriend...


not to mention the fact that:
he can sing. and everyone knows i'm a weakling for the singers.
annnd, he plays the guitar..and extremely well. but it's more than that. he makes it sexy and look so easy. yum.

seven things

"the seven things i hate about you
youre vain. your games. youre insecure. you love me..you like her. you make me laugh. you make me cry..i dont know which side to buy. your friends, they're jerks. when you act like them, you know it hurts. i wanna be with the one i know...the seventh thing that i hate most that you do - you made me love you.

the seven things i like about you
your hair. your eyes. your old levis. when we kiss, im hypnotized. you make me laugh. you make me cry..but I guess that's both ill have to buy. your hand in mine when we're intertwined, everything's alright. i wanna be with the one i know..and the seventh thing i like the most that you do - you make me love you.. "