i just wanna be sucessful..

"..giving the youngsters...something of which to aspire other than just a higher mark in the classroom or more points in some athletic contest..."

we're at a point in our lives where "success" is all we can think about. ugh.

constantly being reminded by our teachers, by our parents, by our friends.
I see all my peers struggling and scrambling to fill out internship applications and working their butts off only to get a job they know they'll dread going to for the next 40 or so years.

that's just not for me.

my dad always told me that success, when it comes to a career, is "finding something you love so much that you're willing to do it for free...but doing it so well that you get paid for it." and dad, i couldn't agree with you more. I refuse to be one of those people who gets a job just because everyone else tells me it's the path i should be taking. of course want to earn a substantial amount of money. of course i want to achieve a high standing in the career of my choice. of course i want to be able to make something of the [significantly high priced] education i've gotten over the last 15+ years. but honestly, none of that matters if i have to wake up every morning dreading to start my day, counting down the hours until i get off of work, wishing i was doing something more self-fulfilling...



but maybe that's just because it's all i grew up knowing.
Both of my parents were blessed enough to obtain a successful career in doing what they absolutely loved. but both found it in different ways.
my dad who left his home of Florida at a young age and took a bus to Los Angeles with only $18 dollars in his pocket was forced to find a job in any space that was hiring. at the time, it was the US Postal Service - as a mail sorter. but he took so much pride in doing what he did, and worked twice as hard to do his best, that he managed to work his way up through every position until he got to the very top - Postmaster of Los Angeles, over-seeing 4,000 employees. He loved his job. We, his family, had to beg him to retire at the age of 61 after 48+ years of working having only missed 2 days - one being when he was in a car accident, the other being for his mother's funeral. that's my dad.

My mom on the other hand is more like me. She was fortunate enough to go to unviersity and find a path she was interested in - Architectural and Interior design. She's the creative one in the family. She gets to travel all over the world designing hotels and homes for famous people - the family even benefits from it when we travel :). She works for a small, but well-known firm. they get to dress casually everyday, they're laid back, and they all enjoy each others company. That's more along the lines of what i want for myself.

I'll know i've been successful when I wake up one morning and can't wait to go to work because of how passionate i am in my career choice. What that is yet, i don't fully know. But i will soon.
and i know it's something i have to learn and find for myself. nobody can tell me what i'm supposed to be because they are not me...they can advise me, but through time, we all learn that someone else's advice is not always what's best for us........and it doesnt help that i've never really been one to follow the 'crowd' in the first place...

Success [sək-ˈses] (n.):

"peace of mind attained only through
self satisfaction in knowing
you made the effort to do
the best of which you're capable."
- John Wooden

to all the boys i loved before

Part 1
we are not your mothers.
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years,
yet you come to us..
wounded
and half filled with promises
you can only keep half the time;
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we have become much too accustomed to sleepless night and damp pillows..
have become much too accustomed
to waiting for our empty beds to be weighted down
with the bodies of men
heavy with the scent and the hands of other women,
and we
simply wanting to be loved and to love ourselves unconditionally,
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us ..or not.
play Hester Prin.
place scarlet letters on our chests.
become adulteresses,
cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve.
willing to settle for less.
willing to act like a little less than a goddess.
willing to sleep with the enemy.
men too scared to stop acting like boys,
thinking we can love away their scars..
so we take the lashes of the insecurities that they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning
for the little girls we loose by the minute.

Part 2

you said you had a photographic memory..

but apparently

you forgot that honesty begins by being real with yourself

and the ones you claim you love

the truth cannot be hidden.

what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light, my love..

you should have known that.

claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly,

i guess shit happens..

i just wish it wasn’t me.

and I guess it’s so much better to have loved and lost

than to never have loved at all..

i know that’s some easy shit to say

but I’m still going to try and live by it.

i’m still going to put my faith to rest in it.

i will sleep on dry pillows now,

in a bed big enough to love myself in

i will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry

and shining full of the knowledge -

i am priceless

and worth nothing but honesty.

i will remove the scarlet letter from my chest

and take the hand of the little girl I used to be

and say I’m sorry to her.

i’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved.

and I will wait

for a man to come along

that can give me the truth

of how much he can really love me.

by Mayda Del Valle

the idea of You

i love the idea of You so much.
i'd say i love You, but at times, i'm not sure what that 'love' was all about.
i think it may be that i've gotten used to loving the sense of You, the feel of having You around, that it's become second nature to feel this pure comfort and belonging....almost solely...with and around You.
i've compared people to You..although i try so hard not to.
in some areas you fail, while in others i feel as if no one could ever measure up.
You were one of a kind in my mind - both positively and...not so positively.
but at the same time, i know there's more out there who possess the qualities i've grown to admire in You. so i'm not worried.

but i still admit, i do love the idea of You.

man, i love college.

...

i'm attracted to and request three things in a man:
1. maturity
2.consistency
3.respect
[not necessarily in that order]

i realized today another characteristic of males i'm attracted to.
i'm not necessarily looking for a Man. I'm only 20, i dont think i'm realistically capable of reciprocating the [emotional, psychological or amount of experience-type] needs of a "grown-ass man." but at the same time, i don't want a Boy. i dont like playing petty games, or males still wrapped up in maintaining their child-like qualities. but i'm in more of a mama-bear's-porridge group of: The Boy Transitioning To A Man. and fortunately enough for me, i'm in a day-to-day setting where that's all i'm surrounded by. College.

i'm at a privileged enough university where being here is no 'cop-out', 'safety' or 'plan B' school. everyone who is here wants to be here and wants to make something of themselves because, well, plainly put, my school is expensive as shit and there is no time for playing games or falling behind here. they may not be looking to be the richest of the rich [i, personally, dont need all of that], but plenty successful at the least. that's why i'm here. this place is no joke and that's why i like it. i'm surrounded by determined, passionate people. at least, that's the crowd i hang around. and that's the kind of people i aim to continue to surround myself with.
and i love mentioning that there's a 67% rate of a graduate of SCU marrying another SCU graduate.

i've always found it ...odd....that in my relationships i've tended to be the partner doing the "getting" as opposed to the settling...at least in the beginning [somewhere along the lines, my life and ways seems to ignite a fire in a few]. and don't get me wrong, i enjoy stroking an ego or boosting some confidence to get someone on the road to furthering themselves, but lets be real, no woman wants to have to baby her man for the duration of their relationship. women want men who are doing something with their lives...BEFORE we're in the picture. showing 'masculine' traits and ability to support if need be. i've said it in previous blogs, but a man that encourages me to be better - not through his words, but through his actions - facilitates the ultimate attraction. you have me in awe. i want to be like you, and even more so, i want to be with you. you would make me proud to call you mine - what more could you ask for in a mate?



the go-getters can have me.
put me on that long list of goals you're trying to accomplish. constantly trying to take on the world everyday. i can't wait to have a man come home from work a little stressed and frazzled only for me to be able to ease his mind...
or hearing about all the great projects you're working on, and how passionate you may be about them, getting me all excited too. Our kids can be proud, our parents, our friends. a strong couple. a determined couple...a sexy-ass, envied couple.
but don't think we won't have our fun......... all work and no play. that's simply unheard of in my world...

momma's boy

the consequences of dating a "momma's boy"..?
boy oh boy.
looking back on my track record - that's all i seem to attract. or maybe they all seem to attract me..

my advice:
don't even try unless you're willing to do everything mom can do and has done..and then some.
things that his mother has been doing for him for the past however many years.
once guys are spoiled, in my experience, there's really no turning back.
the bar has been raised, the standards have been set.
whether it be by a mother, older sister, girlfriend.... they always have a bar. and they always remember the best...there's a reason why they have a hard time letting go..
you better be a great cook.
you better like to rub his back as he goes to sleep.
you better allow him to get his way more often than not.
otherwise, he'll be dissatisfied.
and when a man is dissatisfied, they have no problem finding satisfaction in other places.

luckily. i enjoy spoiling the men i'm interested in. at least the ones i'm really interested in, but more so, the ones who deserve it. it's kind of how i've always been - allegedly. i enjoy seeing another's satisfaction over mine. take that how you want to.

i enjoy being the source of his happiness as long as he plans on being the source of mine. you can't expect to be spoiled in a relationship unless you're giving your share.

i won't go into details, but when two people "spoil" each other with love, the results are

mind blowing.

#1

#thesexisgoodbecause
we are both competitive.
so we're constantly trying to out do each other.
no pun intended.

street lights

when my life gets [what i feel is] chaotic, i've got this little place.

i come here and i'm reminded of the bigger picture that is "the reality of life."
without giving too much away, it's a place where i can overlook the entire city.
the hectic motion, the faint noise, the constant, flickering lights.
my city is so beautiful and it humbles me.
the distant movements of cars and changing traffic lights reminds me of how many people actually live and function in this world. the same world i'm living in..and at the same time.
and more so, i'm reminded of how small and personal my concerns and thoughts may be in the grand scheme of things - compared to other people's day-to-day challenges...life-altering challenges... life-ending challenges...


..and then there's me. yeah, i may be sad right now, maybe even mad. most of the time, i'm just annoyed though. annoyed that life..rather, my life..can't be as simple as i would like for it to be. as simple as i try to make it be. but that's just it. life doesnt listen to you..or me. life doesnt get simpler. it just is. it's hard. it's complicated. it's tricky...and if you're LUCKY, it's long. doesnt that seem twisted? and MY life? i'm a college student on a full-ride to a great university with both of my parents still alive, loving and supporting me in everything i do.

i'm not forced to handle anything i'm not prepared for. THAT is the definition of real life.

and while i sit here contemplating my 'life' and all it has to offer me and if it's ever going to be worth it..and so on....i accept that there's no "right" answers..i cant call it like it is, let alone like it will be...
but as i sit at my place, usually in the comfort of my car, sound track to my life on mute, i just gaze - long and wide-eyed. and while i try to find a spot to focus on, i realize i can't. and that's the beauty of it. there's so much going on in this 'bigger picture' i'm seeing that there is no one place to focus because so much is going on, you're forced to keep up, re-adjust, re-focus.. and as my eyes kind of glaze over, ironically, a sense of hectic-serenity comes over me; all being here does is remind me: life goes on...always.

my secrets

i've said it before, i'll say it again. knowledge is power. ignorance is bliss.


i've been wanting to blog so badly.
the truth is, i have been blogging.
but once i get about 3/5's of the way through my thought..
i stop.
and i reflect.
and i realize that i can't say half the shit i want to on a public forum anymore.
i guess my life is too secretive...
there's emotions i want to blog about, but people aren't supposed to know i feel that way.
there are moments and times i want to blog about, but people aren't supposed to know i'm doing that.
there are people i want to blog about......and as much as i want to call you out, i know it'd be wrong...and you're not suppose to know i'm thinking about you.

this forum i once created because i was suffering from heartbreak and needed a release, became something absolutely paradoxical.

you know, my blog was once private. before i got comfortable with voluntarily spilling my heart through my keyboard and letting it flow onto my computer screen in a way that would allow even my most absurd thoughts to make sense through..who would have guessed, WORDS. then my thoughts got deep. and i wanted you to know. at first the 'you' was specific. i knew who my audience would be...but then hype of blogging grew, it became a fad, and as much as i was getting friend requests on facebook, i was getting followers. and of course, i'm not complaining. i'm flattered. flattered that you, whoever is reading this, finds me, my thoughts, my interests, interesting enough to read about them...and follow up...and sometimes even comment. i'm not saying its your fault that i feel uncomfortable...but it kind of is. and at the same time, obviously it is not. my blog simply lost it's purpose. blog posts where i used to blatantly refer to people by name and relation, have become posts where i can barely touch on a subject without having to second guess 'the consequences,' the audience, the alternate meanings...but moreso the interpretations..

so as i sat here and attempted to write a blog, about the confusing emotions post long-term relationships. i realized that, i don't even know where to begin. my life these last 12 months have been dismal at times..but overall, simply unimaginable...i want to surrender myself to my blog....but, i can't...there's too much to talk about and not enough i can say.

i don't trust people, i guess. but more so, i don't trust people with information. i honestly feel that places like internet and the infinite amount of information available to us, is going to hurt us more than it will help..ever. it will undoubtedly be our social downfall. i found myself searching the web today actually(...probably on a site or page i shouldnt have been on in the first place, but thats neither here nor there..) and i found myself hurting more from the information than the pleasure or ease of mind intended to gain from knowing.

the reality is, the world is more beautiful the less you know. it allows you to see the bigger picture. the simplicity. to be amazed. no need or room for questions or explanations. you understand the beauty of this life that we, instead, search so hard, and for so long to question, dissect, manipulate and control. so while i wish to have this outlet, i prefer that one not see all the everyday mechanics that go into living my life - as hard, and as wonderful as it may be. and while others may learn from or relate to or simply find entertainment in what i write, i'd want to blog for people to learn for their own well being, not to use my information against me. and since i can't control that, i'll start with what i can control - what i write. this blog was never intended to be a source of information in which i would be judged, but it is, it has been...and most likely will continue to be.

so while i started this blog with a thought, in hopes of reaching a conclusion that would help eliminate my 'bloggers block'..the reality is, it's not an issue of my ability to write, but my ability to share information.

i'm going to blame this 'insecurity' on my abnormally large, interconnected, communicative group of acquaintances.