second guessing

second guessing is my second nature.

probably the result of trusting my intuition enough to say something, only to be reassured that i was over thinking....only to be proven that all this time, i was just being lied to.

so i was forced to second guess. and it sucks, because not everybody is as foul as the ones who have once done me so shady. and so now, i feel bad. i'm not giving everyone the fair chance because someone, somewhere a while back fucked up. doesnt everyone at least deserve the first chance to prove they are in fact trustworthy?

and go figure. a man who stands behind his words, instead of hiding and masking his lies with his insecurities. i'd be down for one of those.

i can admit, after this last blow, getting me to trust again was a doozie. i just refused to believe, refused to fall again, refused to be stepped on and kicked while i'm down - because that's what once was. then that got tiring. and believe it or not, there's nothing more tiring than running away from your emotions. not to mention how impossible it is. but the thing is, i trust myself now. i learned from my mistakes of trusting the untrustworthy - and you know it's an issue when they tell you not to trust them. i bet i'll pay attention to them when they say that next time.

now i'm just rambling.

but i can't stress this enough. not all men are the same. not all loves are the same. so if i ever end up in a situation where i've previously been hurt, i'll second guess the shit out of myself. but for now, i'm ready to invest. ....after strike one, i'll have some [re-]thinking to do.

"..and what's wrong with sentimental?"

i have this horrible horrible habit of associating music with my love lives.

so when that love ends, so does the enjoyment of most music i associate with any such persons.

..luckily, it's only for a little while.

here's another poem i enjoyed. talking about searching for love.

i've learned that love is not something you can search for nor hide from. it finds you. no matter what age, location, sexual orientation. you just gotta make sure youre ready so you can make it worth your while :)

enjoy.

bitter-sweet

kanye. he says it all, really.

what once was lost, has now been found.

lately i've been really into poetry...

i ran across, one...these lines were pretty noteworthy to me.

Wife...Woman...Friend [pt. 1]

"......I should have never put my heart in my minds position.

But I couldn't shake him, he was like a bad habit-
And all of this for a n*gga that was just average.
Doing average n*gga shit-
Like talking out the side of his neck and thinking with his dick.
But I must admit, he was the one I wanted to commit,
So either I wasn't living up to my potential,
Or I was just an average chick.
But I choose to believe I was a woman-
Caught up in a feeling both physical and emotional,
Who was way too willing to give her all to a man.
And though it may sound stupid, guess what?
I'd do it all again-
Just next time for my husband,
And not that n*gga I call my friend.

and as for [part 2], my personal favorite:

love&trust

Love grows where trust is laid,

and

love dies where trust is betrayed.

- (BUQ)

*.*

briefly,

i think it's fair to say that this Valentine's day was my most exciting and well celebrated Valentine's day thus far.

my name - in your mouth.

*preface: bitching post. enjoy.

lol, listen kids...i'm just out here living. don't take my actions personally and more importantly, don't feel sorry for me or even more importantly, don't try to get me to feel sorry for myself...there's just absolutely no reason you should, and it's not going to happen - i'm more satisfied than ever.. in case you haven't heard. lol.

so i'll say this. first off,

i dont have to hide anything.

i've learned to not care what people say about me anymore.

...too much of that has been done.

and i know why.

for the last few years people have become accustomed to me living my life a certain way - in a relationship, knowing everything about me and who i'm with..what we do, when...

and now that i'm not, everything seems to be news, gossip worthy, 'word on the street'.

"oh, you hear who Makensy's talking to"

"you hear what Makensy did?"

no, no one heard until you brought it up.

no, no one cares, because it neither adds nor detracts from their everyday lives [..and if it does, then that's another day/issue/blog post..]

sooo.....so what?!

what are you TALKING about?

no answer?

alright, question.

what are you doing with your life everyday?

doing you and minding your own business?

because that's all i'm doing. literally.

i understand its going to take time, and some adjusting to

but,

ladies and gentleman,

i am no different from you when it comes to entertaining someone [new.]

so yes its true, it's true. the rumors are alllll true.

theres someone new. theyre great...i could go on, but i'll spare the details..

so what is it that you want from me..me, personally?

honestly. what it is it that you expect? [seriously, i'd love if someone would answer this..]

i'm not hurting anyone.

i come to the constant conclusion that you can't please them all.

because look at me, guys. i'm not inquiring about ANYone else's life - love, friendship or other.

but i'll tell you this. i'm not keeping secrets on anything i'm doing... just because you hear about it from someone else and not me, does not mean it's something i'm trying to hide.

i have nothing to be ashamed of - my name isn't tarnished, despite what you want me to think.

tarnished is....a-whole-nother story.

i would say, just ask yourself.

like :

"self, am i in a position to judge Makensy?"

"self, do i have the right to put someone else's business out there or disrespect their name [unless its for my own selfish reasons and if that is the case, maybe i should make sure the person i'm talking about, aka Makensy, doesnt have shit on me.......]?"

"self, has Makensy done something wrong to me where i feel the need to go out of my way to show my bad manners?"

some people just don't respect my 'hustle'. but, other's do..i like to call them realists.

but for those who feel compelled to continue speaking, it only leaves me to wonder WHY would you continue to make the effort to interpret and discuss my every moves? - the only answer i can come up with is:

you want to be me or you want to be with me.

orrr you think i'm perfect and hold me on a pedestal - thats cute, but inaccurate and unnecessary.

oh well, i guess it's bad when they stop talking about you.

till then, here's one for old time's sake... :-*

like a kid again

i've got this feel good song i've been listening to for over a month now.

..now i can finally talk about it.

you wouldnt believe how much i've changed if i told you.

...shit, i can barely believe it.

the thing is, the new me, is just the old me..improved.

this that shit - shit to make you feel like a kid again

i think that's exactly how i feel.

ironically, i just grew up, but im feeling like a kid again.

i've regained my innocence (uhh..more or less)

my ability to find happiness in the smallest of things.

to just laugh..and be.

to live and love for myself, and still capable of caring for another..with ease.

...and when you've gotten to the point where your friends approach you,

saying you seem happier, living healthier, feeling better...than they've ever known you to be..

you know youre doing something right.

without even realizing it, i was just a tired soul.

in need of refreshment..vacation.

a reminder of what life and happiness is really all about

that's what this is.

that's who you are.

... i ain't livin a lie like Rihanna & Dream

and now, i feel like i smile more. i feel free. i feel loved..like actually.

to my friends, thanks for your incredible support, encouragement, love,

who know's where i'd be without it.

and to all the obstacles i overcame,

it only taught me to value what i have now.

see they ain't think i could, i stunt harder on 'em

i'm incredibly glad...but more so, blessed

that things worked out for me this way.

i was always warned that when something drastic happens in your life

and affects you negatively,

that odds are you, your personality, your life,

are going to be altered for the worst.

all i can say is, God knew me better than that.

my optimism is one of champions.

my faith is that of the determined.

so i won't ever give up. on myself or on others.

i'm sorry haters, but i don't care to stop.

and i write all of this to say,

i am grateful for the opportunities to experience all the

greatness that life has offered me so far at the mere age of 20.

...and, maaan, if this is how i'm living now,

i'm more than excited to see how much better things can get!

..and this is called what living out your dream gets..

i'm realizing how we, as humans, tend to make the most minuscule of 'issues' so life-sized when they don't need to be. why waste valuable life time being unhappy when so much of it is worth your smile.

don't let one (or a few) negative person(s) or event(s) have the ability to make you turn your back on happiness, trust, or a naturally good spirit.

stay true to the child that lives inside of you.

the one that can see the beauty in simplicity

and still believes everything is possible

shit happens to everyone, but believe it or not, it won't last forever,

and greatness always awaits on the other side.

appreciate what life brings - everything happens for a reason.

embrace it to the fullest.

........and i dont have to lie - my life's the fuckin' shit.

:D

download: Like a Kid Again; Shawn Chrystopher

"there are those among us

who are blessed with the power

to save what is loved by another,

but powerless to use this blessing

for themselves."

so, he was my celebrity crush.

*preface: this is not intended to be slander nor offend.

in no shape or form is this post meant to deter anyone from acceptance,

or express any kind of negative feelings about anyone.

this is simply a post describing the lesson my last relationship taught me.

and of course, it's biased. so, miss me with the judgements.

he always said "you'll either love me or you'll hate me."

well, i don't hate you ...and i don't love you.

i simply don't know you...anymore.

see, the reality is, i fell for someone i didn't really know. i thought i did, but it was the deception of being 'blinded by love.' he was my ......celebrity crush. i saw only the things i wanted to see in him, refused to believe the hype, felt like i knew sides no one else did. the actuality is, those were all ideas i planted in my own head. everyone else saw a truth (emphasis on 'a' and not 'the') - objectively - because it's not like people didn't 'warn' me (for lack of a better term) or expose me to certain truths or sides. and of course he played his own part in leading me to believe his sides..but at the end of the day, i believed what i wanted to believe. i wanted him to be perfect, after all, he was mine. but still, that should not have been an excuse, i had more than enough times/reasons/incentive to see past what i deemed 'perfection'...i wanted to be the one who accepted him, flaws and all. and it's what he wanted.. and i admit, i just wanted him to be happy.

i have always had this mentality, but i'd even call it more of a defense mechanism (..ironically) - i have a fear of being let down by people, specifically because it happens too much. again, my fault. i put people on an automatic pedestal, not for any specific reason at all beside the fact i like to believe that everyone puts forth their best in trying to be a genuinely good person. not saying people dont, but everyone has their flaws..their slip ups.

my friends now keep saying, i told you so. yeah, i know you did, but don't act like you didn't fall in love with him too...

I guess i should have just seen the signs...actually, i should have just paid attention to them.

i read a tweet the other say that said

"when someone shows you who they really are, believe them."

i should have.

i should have caught on to the fact of how dangerous [some] "people-pleasers" are to begin with. it's information i knew, but again, everyone likes to feel like their love is the exception. ....i've lost count of how many times we came back...for love. and i blame myself. i gave one million chances too many, maybe so did he - in the name of love. i was blinded to say the least. by his words (words i emphasized how much i believed...)... but actions speak louder than words. i just really wasn't trying to hear it.

anyway, i say all of this to say: i don't hate him. i am not sad. i am instead so incredibly grateful. and i can't ever deny that i cared. what we had was inexplicable. i just recognize that

this love is a lesson learned.

next time, i won't be so naive.

he said he feels no man will ever be as good as i truly deserve.

i appreciate that, but i think he's wrong :)