they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
yeah, i know that.
but you only need to have one conversation with me to know that idea doesnt sit well with me.(honestly, i know nothing's really "original" these days - it's ALL been done before) but still, i like that i'm different, i don't want to blend in or be categorized. . now don't get me wrong, i dont go out of my way to stand out. i just do what i like, when i would like to..i'm just usually the only one doing it. i've never really known anyone to be genuinely like me so i always get slightly weirded out when i discover similarities. now i admit i may have a similar interest in music or places to shop.....and even sometimes boys, because friends do have things in common, after all that is what brings them together....but at times those common interests cause many a conflicts........MANY A CONFLICTS.
annnnnd
i know i've been misunderstood because occasionally i "do the most." but that's not how i see it. i don't do things for the comments or the looks..as cliche as it sounds, i do it because it makes me happy. i wear my green tutu because i like tutus! i sport random accessories on my head because i like them, they literally make me smile. i laugh loud when i think things are genuinely funny. and i dance when i get really excited. and i do these all faithfully, that's a part of me. that doesnt change depending on who i'm around. i am that way practically all the time. i don't expect anyone to approve of everything i do. i'm aware that at times i am overwhelming, i don't try to be, but it's me. i'm a happy, hyper, giggly person.
..basically don't try to be someone you're blatantly not. there's no fun in that lifestyle.
Thursday, April 30
Sunday, April 26
"happy"
"got my dreams,
got my life,
got my love.
got my friends,
got the sunshine above.
why am i making this hard on myself
when there's so many beautiful reasons
i have to be happy..."
got my life,
got my love.
got my friends,
got the sunshine above.
why am i making this hard on myself
when there's so many beautiful reasons
i have to be happy..."
Saturday, April 25
ahaa!
today i saw The Soloist. it was cool, but this post is not meant to be a movie review. I'm writing about it, because the plot had a lot to do with the pressures of developing a relationship with someone so willing to trust, so it kind of hit home for me. There have been a few notable times where i fall into these emotional states and tend to lean on or count on others to bring me up or bring me back...but that doesnt really have much to do with what i'm saying lol. Watching the movie, i fully realized what it would be like to be that person - the one that people wish to open up to, lean on and count on. even further, being that person and having failed someone before. and it's not always entirely their fault. sometimes people can give so much into a relationship or friendship and still fail, because life can be a jerk like that. and realistically, it takes so much courage to take another leap and try again. failing can really bruise your ego. especially so if you fail in the public eye. i used to think it was a little extreme for people to struggle with commitments and opening up, it's as simple as trusting your partner and looking for happiness....or something...but sometimes it's just not that easy. after a while, after enough encounters with failure, people can get to a point where they stop trusting themselves. you can get overwhelmed with the feeling of "whenever someone gets attached to me, they get hurt," and that's a hard mindset to shake if history has continued to prove it true. that in itself is probably the strongest guard anyone could put up in a relationship. telling people it's best if they don't get close, and can you blame them? you think its hard to find trust again in someone who has done you wrong, imagine having to find trust in yourself. it has got to be harder than it seems. the saddest part is, having someone willing to take that chance on you, isn't always enough to reel you in.
but at the same time, you can't be afraid to get close forever. eventually you'll learn to acknowledge the good you've done for and to people. just because you've messed up doesnt mean you're a bad person. people can right there wrongs. people make mistakes. there isn't always a right and wrong way to do things because this is life. and no two lives are the same. everyone will make mistakes and it's up to you to learn from them, move on and continue to be a better person with the lessons you've learned. We all know that famous Nelson Mandela saying "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Sometimes, even deeper than the idea that we won't measure up to the greatness of someone else, in a relationship or not, we fear that we have the power to hurt so many more people than we could ever want to. It's both liberating and frustrating to have the power to cause damage, because it will especially affect the ones closest to you. it becomes extremely unsettling, because it is something that we all posses. We all have the power to hurt people when we don't intend to and that makes it hard for us to trust ourselves with those we care about and those who care about us.
Nelson Mandela also said, "there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel secure around you. we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is with in us. its not just some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." so that is my outlook. you can't force people to open up. as an outsider, the best you can do is be true to yourself, lead by example, and make people feel comfortable with who they are. by doing this, you must make sure that what you wish for others to do, you are doing yourself. we have to learn to trust ourselves before we can let someone else trust us. it's not always easy, that goes without saying, but it is possible.
but at the same time, you can't be afraid to get close forever. eventually you'll learn to acknowledge the good you've done for and to people. just because you've messed up doesnt mean you're a bad person. people can right there wrongs. people make mistakes. there isn't always a right and wrong way to do things because this is life. and no two lives are the same. everyone will make mistakes and it's up to you to learn from them, move on and continue to be a better person with the lessons you've learned. We all know that famous Nelson Mandela saying "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Sometimes, even deeper than the idea that we won't measure up to the greatness of someone else, in a relationship or not, we fear that we have the power to hurt so many more people than we could ever want to. It's both liberating and frustrating to have the power to cause damage, because it will especially affect the ones closest to you. it becomes extremely unsettling, because it is something that we all posses. We all have the power to hurt people when we don't intend to and that makes it hard for us to trust ourselves with those we care about and those who care about us.
Nelson Mandela also said, "there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel secure around you. we were born to make manifest the glory of God that is with in us. its not just some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." so that is my outlook. you can't force people to open up. as an outsider, the best you can do is be true to yourself, lead by example, and make people feel comfortable with who they are. by doing this, you must make sure that what you wish for others to do, you are doing yourself. we have to learn to trust ourselves before we can let someone else trust us. it's not always easy, that goes without saying, but it is possible.
Friday, April 24
"well let's agree to disagree"
"shawty kinda crazy, but it turn me on. keep it up enough to keep it going on.."
that song has been stuck in my head for a while now. and ironically, as most things usually are for me, it has a lot to do with what's been on my mind lately. EXes. "RoboCops."
there's always this question about to what to degree "should" you be friends with your exes - especially if you're pursuing a new relationship. i've always had the stance that my relationship won't take precedence over my friendships. i have always been taught that relationships come and go but friends are forever - to me, that's not worth jeopardizing; good friends are hard to come by nowadays. my 'problem' is mainly because, having gone to an all girls school, i get sick of girl drama super fast, so i'm naturally more drawn to male friendships. sometimes guys are just easier. but as one might assume, this has the ability to cause a few problems for current relationships..and friendships. it's difficult when you have a good friendship with someone of the opposite sex, but onlookers and the experiences they've had with their opposite sex friendships lead them to make more of a situation than it actually is. there's a lot of different ways to look at this situation though, so it's kind of hard to dissect and come up with a straight answer for it, so i'm just going to talk about what's on my mind and my experiences (as this blog was intended to let me do....)
In a relationship, it gets hard to trust a friendship between your current boo and his/her ex. simply because there is always that lingering thought that "you really liked this person at one point..." it's always hard when you're working to be someone's number one when their attention is essentially quote, unquote (lol) divided. and it's hard to have faith that someone who had feelings for another can get over that and never acknowledge those feelings again and just maintain a friendship. plus, let's face it, boys and girls are naturally "flirty". not saying everyone is trying to get in everyone's pants at all times......but people like to be liked; more often than not, people show a more presentable side of themselves to everyone, because why not? why not be known as the happy, funny, well-dressed person as opposed to the quiet, mean, dirty one? lol. it's not that you're necessarily trying to get people to look at you as more than a friend, but you want to be the cool friend! lol. ok, basically where i'm going with this, is it's hard to see that both parties in an opposite sex friendship aren't trying to 'woo' each other (be it simultaneously or not) just because they're kind, happy and have a healthy friendship doesnt mean its more to it - and it can be hard to see that, especially if you're not in the situation.........
at the same time, your mind wanders. and it's scary to think that the person you're with can fall for someone else (because that does happen). so it's even scarier when they have someone in their life who they've fallen for before. now of course for a while it's easy to have that trust, the whole "they called it quits for a reason" to reassure yourself that there's nothing to worry about...but with time it gets harder, because as you and your partner grow closer, there should be no need for the extraneous factor...right? ideally. but its not that simple, so it's just simply an uncomfortable position. but i've had a thought. it all boils down to the fact that people want to be remembered. as humans we compete, and we all want to be number one to somebody. in a relationship, you/your partner want to be everything to that person because you just like them soooo much, you want to be reassured that they feel the same. it goes back to me saying, people have lives outside of you. you can't expect someone to come to you and only you about everything. people are entitled to friendships, be it with exes or simply people of the opposite sex.
now, taking it back to the situation at hand, because you know you're partner is uncomfortable, and you'd do anything to alleviate the problems in an almost near-perfect relationship, youre faced with the question of how much these relationships mean to you. some people may even straight up confront you with an "am i not worth it to you?" and that's when things get raw. of course you want to give everything you can to a relationship, it'd be wrong to be in one if you didn't. but sometimes a good friend is just a good friend. someone who stands up for you, gives you advice, checks on you every once in a while, and wants the best for you. everyone needs friends outside of the relationship. and sometimes those people are good to have in your life. so sometimes it's not that simple to give up someone like that simply because your partner feels uncomfortable.
so my conclusion to this part of the issue is, tough shit, life is one big uncomfortable, awkward situation, youve got to get over that. there are going to be people in your life, directly or indirectly that make your life more difficult than you'd like it to be. that's inevitable. all you can do is trust that not everyone will hurt you and you continue to live your life to the best of your ability.
but then the ultimate dilemma remains, to what extent "can" you take this friendship? Is having a conversation through text ok? what about hanging out with someone who is an ex? Is it only ok if it's in a large group? what if you're friends are still friends with your ex so they're at a lot of the same functions, should you not be allowed to go? or how about phone conversations? does the time of day in which they call determine whether or not it's acceptable? what if the ex is having a hard time and just needs someone to talk to, do you have an obligation to your partner to make sure that that person is not you? i mean, situations get complicated - it's something you have to address with your partner. some people fear that addressing such a situation may make you come off as controlling, but in a relationship, it's about compromise. and essentially with me, i acknowledge that some things are crossing the line, and at the same time, i know that i try to be a nice person to my friends, and that's all it is. and at the same time because i know that it is possible to be friends and only friends with an ex, i have to respect and trust that my partner can and does do the same.
as for outsiders who may grow suspicious of the situation, what can you do? just live.
(sometimes when i blog, i feel like a nerd lol)
that song has been stuck in my head for a while now. and ironically, as most things usually are for me, it has a lot to do with what's been on my mind lately. EXes. "RoboCops."
there's always this question about to what to degree "should" you be friends with your exes - especially if you're pursuing a new relationship. i've always had the stance that my relationship won't take precedence over my friendships. i have always been taught that relationships come and go but friends are forever - to me, that's not worth jeopardizing; good friends are hard to come by nowadays. my 'problem' is mainly because, having gone to an all girls school, i get sick of girl drama super fast, so i'm naturally more drawn to male friendships. sometimes guys are just easier. but as one might assume, this has the ability to cause a few problems for current relationships..and friendships. it's difficult when you have a good friendship with someone of the opposite sex, but onlookers and the experiences they've had with their opposite sex friendships lead them to make more of a situation than it actually is. there's a lot of different ways to look at this situation though, so it's kind of hard to dissect and come up with a straight answer for it, so i'm just going to talk about what's on my mind and my experiences (as this blog was intended to let me do....)
In a relationship, it gets hard to trust a friendship between your current boo and his/her ex. simply because there is always that lingering thought that "you really liked this person at one point..." it's always hard when you're working to be someone's number one when their attention is essentially quote, unquote (lol) divided. and it's hard to have faith that someone who had feelings for another can get over that and never acknowledge those feelings again and just maintain a friendship. plus, let's face it, boys and girls are naturally "flirty". not saying everyone is trying to get in everyone's pants at all times......but people like to be liked; more often than not, people show a more presentable side of themselves to everyone, because why not? why not be known as the happy, funny, well-dressed person as opposed to the quiet, mean, dirty one? lol. it's not that you're necessarily trying to get people to look at you as more than a friend, but you want to be the cool friend! lol. ok, basically where i'm going with this, is it's hard to see that both parties in an opposite sex friendship aren't trying to 'woo' each other (be it simultaneously or not) just because they're kind, happy and have a healthy friendship doesnt mean its more to it - and it can be hard to see that, especially if you're not in the situation.........
at the same time, your mind wanders. and it's scary to think that the person you're with can fall for someone else (because that does happen). so it's even scarier when they have someone in their life who they've fallen for before. now of course for a while it's easy to have that trust, the whole "they called it quits for a reason" to reassure yourself that there's nothing to worry about...but with time it gets harder, because as you and your partner grow closer, there should be no need for the extraneous factor...right? ideally. but its not that simple, so it's just simply an uncomfortable position. but i've had a thought. it all boils down to the fact that people want to be remembered. as humans we compete, and we all want to be number one to somebody. in a relationship, you/your partner want to be everything to that person because you just like them soooo much, you want to be reassured that they feel the same. it goes back to me saying, people have lives outside of you. you can't expect someone to come to you and only you about everything. people are entitled to friendships, be it with exes or simply people of the opposite sex.
now, taking it back to the situation at hand, because you know you're partner is uncomfortable, and you'd do anything to alleviate the problems in an almost near-perfect relationship, youre faced with the question of how much these relationships mean to you. some people may even straight up confront you with an "am i not worth it to you?" and that's when things get raw. of course you want to give everything you can to a relationship, it'd be wrong to be in one if you didn't. but sometimes a good friend is just a good friend. someone who stands up for you, gives you advice, checks on you every once in a while, and wants the best for you. everyone needs friends outside of the relationship. and sometimes those people are good to have in your life. so sometimes it's not that simple to give up someone like that simply because your partner feels uncomfortable.
so my conclusion to this part of the issue is, tough shit, life is one big uncomfortable, awkward situation, youve got to get over that. there are going to be people in your life, directly or indirectly that make your life more difficult than you'd like it to be. that's inevitable. all you can do is trust that not everyone will hurt you and you continue to live your life to the best of your ability.
but then the ultimate dilemma remains, to what extent "can" you take this friendship? Is having a conversation through text ok? what about hanging out with someone who is an ex? Is it only ok if it's in a large group? what if you're friends are still friends with your ex so they're at a lot of the same functions, should you not be allowed to go? or how about phone conversations? does the time of day in which they call determine whether or not it's acceptable? what if the ex is having a hard time and just needs someone to talk to, do you have an obligation to your partner to make sure that that person is not you? i mean, situations get complicated - it's something you have to address with your partner. some people fear that addressing such a situation may make you come off as controlling, but in a relationship, it's about compromise. and essentially with me, i acknowledge that some things are crossing the line, and at the same time, i know that i try to be a nice person to my friends, and that's all it is. and at the same time because i know that it is possible to be friends and only friends with an ex, i have to respect and trust that my partner can and does do the same.
as for outsiders who may grow suspicious of the situation, what can you do? just live.
"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change;
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
to accept the things i cannot change;
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
(sometimes when i blog, i feel like a nerd lol)
Wednesday, April 22
what's new?
*sidenote: i'm writing this post during my Sociology class. so my thoughts may not make sense or piece together and it will most likely seem more like a ramble.
i'm craving some sour straws. go figure. i'm a candy ADDICT. i think i'll get some after class. (fyi, if the girl next to me wasn't eating candy, this thought may have never crossed my mind...)
lol, now to completely contradict AND confirm the moral of the blurb above - i have a dilemma.
anyone who knows me knows i'm not much of a crowd follower when it comes to a lot of things. these people also know that i'm a huuuge electronics buff. but not all electronics, just the ones i'm a huge fan of. Apple & various phones, but specifically, Blackberry. (But i don't just like blackberries, i'm like their number one promoter/fan. This whole Blackberry vs. iPhone thing. i'm all for team Blackberry!) i love them, and i acknowledge that my life would not be the same without either of them. now to some, this may be sad, but to the normal people, you all understand where im coming from. you're probably reading this post on your mac or via mobile web. because apple is simply incomparable and Blackberries are sexual. unbeatable combination.
anyway, i always have my eyes set on the "next new thing." i dont even know how i get my information which is weird, it stumbles upon me -it's like it calls for me to find out about it...
so i'm a proud Verizon user. i'm absolutely in love. i never have problems (*knock on wood*), but it has it's ups and downs. the service is amazing buuut verizon always comes out with phones heeeella late!....hella late! that bothers me simply because i'll be so excited about a new phone coming out, but by the time Verizon gets it, they're damn near about to come out with a new model. it's not tite. but that's not quite the issue at hand. Now, i've been following the Curve II since like.. late october. (i even had a post about it and everything, but i deleted it during one of my many deleting sprees..). and i've been super amped about it ever since. spitting random facts to people who could care less. following it's progress. just waiting for a release date for verizon. but what do ya know?! T-mobile is the first to cop that shit. as usual, T-mobile wins. Verizon doesnt get it until May (so they say..). so i'm going about my day, absolutely loving my Curve for the time being. (i wasn't a fan of the Storm; it simply was lamer than they made it out to seem, so i passed on it). but then i started really loving my Curve I..like more than i was anticipating the Curve II.. especially with the help of Appworld. it's wonderful. but i think this is when/why my mind started change. i started liking applications. a lot!
so anyway, the verdict is,
i really really want an iPhone!
extremely shocking, i know. but i want one so badly all of a sudden. now it's not for the purpose of fitting in. no one convinced me it was better; i've actually been convincing people the Blackberry is better. the iPhone's been out for a while now, so it's not because it's "new." but my friend had the iPhone and for some random, odd reason i was just.... so JEALOUS ! it sucked. thats when i knew. i'm pretty sure i want an iPhone.
if this person hadn't had the iPhone, this thought may have never crossed my mind...
so yes, it's true. i want an iPhone...and the new mac book...of course. (but i'll be waiting until fall for the new mac book - because i have word that they're working on a new software...:))
i'm craving some sour straws. go figure. i'm a candy ADDICT. i think i'll get some after class. (fyi, if the girl next to me wasn't eating candy, this thought may have never crossed my mind...)
lol, now to completely contradict AND confirm the moral of the blurb above - i have a dilemma.
anyone who knows me knows i'm not much of a crowd follower when it comes to a lot of things. these people also know that i'm a huuuge electronics buff. but not all electronics, just the ones i'm a huge fan of. Apple & various phones, but specifically, Blackberry. (But i don't just like blackberries, i'm like their number one promoter/fan. This whole Blackberry vs. iPhone thing. i'm all for team Blackberry!) i love them, and i acknowledge that my life would not be the same without either of them. now to some, this may be sad, but to the normal people, you all understand where im coming from. you're probably reading this post on your mac or via mobile web. because apple is simply incomparable and Blackberries are sexual. unbeatable combination.
anyway, i always have my eyes set on the "next new thing." i dont even know how i get my information which is weird, it stumbles upon me -it's like it calls for me to find out about it...
so i'm a proud Verizon user. i'm absolutely in love. i never have problems (*knock on wood*), but it has it's ups and downs. the service is amazing buuut verizon always comes out with phones heeeella late!....hella late! that bothers me simply because i'll be so excited about a new phone coming out, but by the time Verizon gets it, they're damn near about to come out with a new model. it's not tite. but that's not quite the issue at hand. Now, i've been following the Curve II since like.. late october. (i even had a post about it and everything, but i deleted it during one of my many deleting sprees..). and i've been super amped about it ever since. spitting random facts to people who could care less. following it's progress. just waiting for a release date for verizon. but what do ya know?! T-mobile is the first to cop that shit. as usual, T-mobile wins. Verizon doesnt get it until May (so they say..). so i'm going about my day, absolutely loving my Curve for the time being. (i wasn't a fan of the Storm; it simply was lamer than they made it out to seem, so i passed on it). but then i started really loving my Curve I..like more than i was anticipating the Curve II.. especially with the help of Appworld. it's wonderful. but i think this is when/why my mind started change. i started liking applications. a lot!
so anyway, the verdict is,
i really really want an iPhone!
extremely shocking, i know. but i want one so badly all of a sudden. now it's not for the purpose of fitting in. no one convinced me it was better; i've actually been convincing people the Blackberry is better. the iPhone's been out for a while now, so it's not because it's "new." but my friend had the iPhone and for some random, odd reason i was just.... so JEALOUS ! it sucked. thats when i knew. i'm pretty sure i want an iPhone.
if this person hadn't had the iPhone, this thought may have never crossed my mind...
so yes, it's true. i want an iPhone...and the new mac book...of course. (but i'll be waiting until fall for the new mac book - because i have word that they're working on a new software...:))
Tuesday, April 21
i have a bone to pick.
talking with my ..friend the other day, he addressed a few issues that i, myself, have been struggling with. wanting people to be a certain way. you know that for you to tell someone to be a better person in any aspect of their life, you have to feel pretty damn confident that your lifestyle is being lead the very best way possible. you must be perfect. well fuck that. no one should have the audacity tell anyone how to live their life or what personality to have as long as they're just living, being and doing them - not intentionally hurting anyone, where's the problem. people have minds and feelings, thus it's their prerogative to be whoever they want to be. i feel like people forget that. i honestly feel that we forget that people have lives outside of their relationships with us. i admit, i've fallen victim to it before - it's entirely too easy to do that in any romantic relationship too. but to get angry at someone for not thinking about you with every decision they make - wrong. i'm not living my life for you, and i shouldnt expect you to do the same. how can you ask someone to be 'better.' better what? better for you? live their life better to accommodate your lifestyle? 'better' so that they sacrifice their happiness for yours? because what's best for your life and your ways may not be best for them. realize how selfish you must be.
and on that note, you know what, i apologize for being so selfish and expecting people to be a certain way. it's honestly so foul on my part. i did it a lot..do it a lot. i would get frustrated with my friends who wouldnt live "rightfully." doing what i would expect myself to do in certain situations; have them doing stuff so that at the end of the day i would still be happy; expecting people to not think a certain way - shit, i am not perfect. my actions are not perfect, and my thoughts sure as hell aren't perfect. i can't expect people to be like me, (or want to be like me) or be who i want them to be in my life because it's not always about my life..it may never be about my life. it's about our individual lives and whether or not we choose to let them coincide.
if you're someone who needs a lot of opposite-sex attention, who am i to judge you. i have no idea why you are the way you are. it's beyond me to try to understand your life from an outside perspective. if you need attention, girl, boy, you flirt your little ass off. if youre a mean, bitchy type of person, i can't control that. i can just do my best to make you as happy as possible when you're around me. maybe you're forced to have your guard up because you've been hurt too many times before. more power to ya, do what you gotta do, that's that integrity. if you're a jealous, vengeful type of chick...or dude...i can't help you. i'm sorry if i, or those around you get the attention you crave. i don't go out of my way to do it. i apologize if you surround yourself with people with positive, funny, happy or uplifiting-ly, contagious personalities and attitudes that attracts others to them (and you to them initially)...so do not be mad at them.
no one lives their life for others. and if they do, shame on them. you cannot please everyone - i learned that a long time ago. it honestly comes down to looking out for yourself, first and foremost and you must surround yourself with others who appreciate that. (but of course, in the process of looking out for yourself, don't strive to hurt or hate others - just honestly, do you.)
i apologize to the friends i've lost because i "couldnt handle their personality." i'm more than aware that i'm a difficult lady myself. i apologize to those i've judged, talked about behind their back and even confronted to their face. i lastly apologize to the people who are indirectly affected by my actions. maybe if you understood that my actions aren't meant to affect you, that with any positive attention i may receive it is not my intentions to take away anything from you and your life
now, no hard feelings. i know you just had to do what was right for you. don't mind me, i'll just be doing the same..
and on that note, you know what, i apologize for being so selfish and expecting people to be a certain way. it's honestly so foul on my part. i did it a lot..do it a lot. i would get frustrated with my friends who wouldnt live "rightfully." doing what i would expect myself to do in certain situations; have them doing stuff so that at the end of the day i would still be happy; expecting people to not think a certain way - shit, i am not perfect. my actions are not perfect, and my thoughts sure as hell aren't perfect. i can't expect people to be like me, (or want to be like me) or be who i want them to be in my life because it's not always about my life..it may never be about my life. it's about our individual lives and whether or not we choose to let them coincide.
if you're someone who needs a lot of opposite-sex attention, who am i to judge you. i have no idea why you are the way you are. it's beyond me to try to understand your life from an outside perspective. if you need attention, girl, boy, you flirt your little ass off. if youre a mean, bitchy type of person, i can't control that. i can just do my best to make you as happy as possible when you're around me. maybe you're forced to have your guard up because you've been hurt too many times before. more power to ya, do what you gotta do, that's that integrity. if you're a jealous, vengeful type of chick...or dude...i can't help you. i'm sorry if i, or those around you get the attention you crave. i don't go out of my way to do it. i apologize if you surround yourself with people with positive, funny, happy or uplifiting-ly, contagious personalities and attitudes that attracts others to them (and you to them initially)...so do not be mad at them.
no one lives their life for others. and if they do, shame on them. you cannot please everyone - i learned that a long time ago. it honestly comes down to looking out for yourself, first and foremost and you must surround yourself with others who appreciate that. (but of course, in the process of looking out for yourself, don't strive to hurt or hate others - just honestly, do you.)
i apologize to the friends i've lost because i "couldnt handle their personality." i'm more than aware that i'm a difficult lady myself. i apologize to those i've judged, talked about behind their back and even confronted to their face. i lastly apologize to the people who are indirectly affected by my actions. maybe if you understood that my actions aren't meant to affect you, that with any positive attention i may receive it is not my intentions to take away anything from you and your life
........ let me try that again
maybe if i understood that your actions arent meant to affect me negatively and that any positive attention you may receive is not meant to take anything away from me. just as i appreciate positive attention, i'm sure you do too. and just as i strive to be happy, as do you. we both deserve happiness. everyone does. it is not my place to change who you are or to set standards or expectations of excellence and perfection for my happiness when you are fine with yourself as your are. that's so wrong. flaws and all. any relationship, platonic or romantic, should be unconditional. now, of course, people are entitled to be fed up, frustrated and need their time apart, but at the end of the day, week (however long it takes you) the love, friendship is still there. if you can't accept all sides of me, and if i cannot accept all sides of you, who are we kidding. this partnership was not meant to happen.now, no hard feelings. i know you just had to do what was right for you. don't mind me, i'll just be doing the same..
i think i jinxed myself
i was excited to find out that i was reaching the point where i could see the bottom of my favorite long-term companion, my Rosebud Strawberry Chapstick container thingy. yum! now for those who aren't extremely familiar with me, i lose my chapsticks within days of purchase. it's never a good look seeing as how i'm constantly applying and reapplying that heavenly serum to my spoiled lips. anyway. i lost it the day after i spoke on this. my lips are sad, so sad. and with the world being the way it is right now, with the economy and the recession, my lips need to be in tip top shape. on youtube i randomly find this song called Those Lips. i like it because it's calm and cool. if you read the blurb he wrote, he said he wrote it while he was in California, which i thought was perfect - it sounds like such a california song (whatever that means). but the thing that got me was that guitar. i love guitars and i'm super anxious to learn how to play again (it's still my for goal for '09). anywhoo, listening to this song plus my self-inflicted chapstick recession made me realize how much i appreciate a nice set of lips. mmm!
i love anthony hamilton's voice.
i have a test i should be studying for, but my mind is in too many different places to even venture to "focusandstudy land." for some reason my palms are sweating and i don't think it has to do with the 93 degree weather; maybe i'm nervous?
...riiiight...
so yesterday it was 95 degrees and a friend and i went to go get some jamba juice. on the way we're listening to trey songz. we're both big fans. the song is Missing You. i'm sure we're all familiar with that one. listening to it made me think of a specific conversation from my last relationship - it all sounded too familiar, but as off as it is, it made me smile, (cuz guys can be so silly) but i didnt want my friend to see that smile, awkward...so i start to tweet (judge me). lol so towards the end of the song i started thinking of the concept of different types of "love" and my topic from a few posts ago about why relationships may not always be successful. sometimes people will really really love each other, but they will love each other in different ways and after a while of being together, that shines through in certain actions, the things we say and the way we say it and people grow apart.
I'm not familiar with all the different types of love. i know the love that ive experienced but in all honesty, it's kind of inexplicable. because being in love is a crazy ass thing. to me, it's like your world flips upside down. everything you thought you understood, you get to see in a-whole-nother light. you don't want to be, for lack of a better term, "obsessed" with someone who's not yourself. but you will be. and most of the things you said you'd never do, you do. and everything that happens to you, no matter how minuscule, you'll want to tell them. and when someone says something funny, you wish they were with you to hear it just so you can laugh together. and when a song comes on that you both groove to, you wish they were there to dance with you. you may want to kiss them every idle second of the day. you may call just to say i love you because you never want them to forget...
the part of being in love that is the scariest, to me, is the time when you first start transitioning from loving to being in love. it's like you have no control, and everything happens so fast, and after a few months you don't even know what happened or how you ended here, talking about "when we live together..." and "at our wedding..." like what!? how did i go from not knowing who you are....shit, not wanting to know who you are, to you now knowing every member of my family to the point that you can hang out without me even being there...(and vice versa!) and wishing you were small enough to put in my pocket so you'd always be by my side, planning vacations. what? you want to marry me?...what!? now i want to marry you too!? lol. love is a mother fucker. but the real worst part of love is the getting hurt. i kind of feel that even though "being in love is the safest place to be" it's also the most terrifying. because being in love means you're completely vulnerable. there's no way you can feel that strongly and not be affected by someones actions or words or even thoughts. but no one wants to feel jealous or insecure or angry, so we try to protect ourselves. that's when the slopes start to differ and a basic mutual love becomes two separate things. some choose to not acknowledge the feelings they have and subconsciously tell themselves that their partner doesnt have that control over them (i think that was me back in the day). some people have a love where they never want to give up no matter how many times they argue (like Ne-Yo's Mad). some people want to give up because they argue over too many little things and it's annoying because "love shouldnt be this hard and we should be happy." some people love others but just can't commit - through no fault of their own, they didn't ask to find The One so early in life. meanwhile, some people are content with having only been with one person and spending the rest of their life with them, more power to you young couples out there. Some people love in a sense that they just want to serve their partner and be the ultimate source of happiness in their life. provide them with unconditional love and care and cuddling...and gifts. some people love in a way that they just enjoy someones company more than others and they acknowledge that "you are special and like no other, but it just may not be right..the whole 'us' thing."
so i feel the couples that make it last, all the jada and wills and michelles and baracks out there. they know the secret. with love, to prevent all the heart break, as backwards as it may seem, you have to take that jump. it's a leap of faith. because once you start to put up your guard for protection - ironically people get hurt - intentionally or not. if there's no guard, you're sharing a basic, mutual, unconditional love. that's it, guards call for conditions. they make love a situational emotion and that shouldnt be the case (or if it is, that's cool...as long as that feeling is mutual). to love is to love. period. for me, you love me flaws and all. you love me even when you can't stand me and you know it. because i can make you smile so big, even when you're pissed at the world, me included. because a simple kiss, blows your mind more than anything you've felt with anyone else. because even when you look like...not your best, i'll still be seen with you in public (because my looks will compensate for that). because i like to take pictures and you like to be in them. because when you talk about love, you'll think of me. because i hate most of the foods you like and you hate most of the foods i like, so we never have to worry about our food going missing in our split fridge. because i like hugs and you like hugs and even if you're a germ-a-phobe (lol) you'll still kiss me when i'm sick. because you're a guy who likes to help out around the house! because you sing to me. because you let me color. because we can dance in the streets in the middle of the day and just be. because we just want to say fuck the world- its about you and me, only.
...riiiight...
so yesterday it was 95 degrees and a friend and i went to go get some jamba juice. on the way we're listening to trey songz. we're both big fans. the song is Missing You. i'm sure we're all familiar with that one. listening to it made me think of a specific conversation from my last relationship - it all sounded too familiar, but as off as it is, it made me smile, (cuz guys can be so silly) but i didnt want my friend to see that smile, awkward...so i start to tweet (judge me). lol so towards the end of the song i started thinking of the concept of different types of "love" and my topic from a few posts ago about why relationships may not always be successful. sometimes people will really really love each other, but they will love each other in different ways and after a while of being together, that shines through in certain actions, the things we say and the way we say it and people grow apart.
I'm not familiar with all the different types of love. i know the love that ive experienced but in all honesty, it's kind of inexplicable. because being in love is a crazy ass thing. to me, it's like your world flips upside down. everything you thought you understood, you get to see in a-whole-nother light. you don't want to be, for lack of a better term, "obsessed" with someone who's not yourself. but you will be. and most of the things you said you'd never do, you do. and everything that happens to you, no matter how minuscule, you'll want to tell them. and when someone says something funny, you wish they were with you to hear it just so you can laugh together. and when a song comes on that you both groove to, you wish they were there to dance with you. you may want to kiss them every idle second of the day. you may call just to say i love you because you never want them to forget...
the part of being in love that is the scariest, to me, is the time when you first start transitioning from loving to being in love. it's like you have no control, and everything happens so fast, and after a few months you don't even know what happened or how you ended here, talking about "when we live together..." and "at our wedding..." like what!? how did i go from not knowing who you are....shit, not wanting to know who you are, to you now knowing every member of my family to the point that you can hang out without me even being there...(and vice versa!) and wishing you were small enough to put in my pocket so you'd always be by my side, planning vacations. what? you want to marry me?...what!? now i want to marry you too!? lol. love is a mother fucker. but the real worst part of love is the getting hurt. i kind of feel that even though "being in love is the safest place to be" it's also the most terrifying. because being in love means you're completely vulnerable. there's no way you can feel that strongly and not be affected by someones actions or words or even thoughts. but no one wants to feel jealous or insecure or angry, so we try to protect ourselves. that's when the slopes start to differ and a basic mutual love becomes two separate things. some choose to not acknowledge the feelings they have and subconsciously tell themselves that their partner doesnt have that control over them (i think that was me back in the day). some people have a love where they never want to give up no matter how many times they argue (like Ne-Yo's Mad). some people want to give up because they argue over too many little things and it's annoying because "love shouldnt be this hard and we should be happy." some people love others but just can't commit - through no fault of their own, they didn't ask to find The One so early in life. meanwhile, some people are content with having only been with one person and spending the rest of their life with them, more power to you young couples out there. Some people love in a sense that they just want to serve their partner and be the ultimate source of happiness in their life. provide them with unconditional love and care and cuddling...and gifts. some people love in a way that they just enjoy someones company more than others and they acknowledge that "you are special and like no other, but it just may not be right..the whole 'us' thing."
so i feel the couples that make it last, all the jada and wills and michelles and baracks out there. they know the secret. with love, to prevent all the heart break, as backwards as it may seem, you have to take that jump. it's a leap of faith. because once you start to put up your guard for protection - ironically people get hurt - intentionally or not. if there's no guard, you're sharing a basic, mutual, unconditional love. that's it, guards call for conditions. they make love a situational emotion and that shouldnt be the case (or if it is, that's cool...as long as that feeling is mutual). to love is to love. period. for me, you love me flaws and all. you love me even when you can't stand me and you know it. because i can make you smile so big, even when you're pissed at the world, me included. because a simple kiss, blows your mind more than anything you've felt with anyone else. because even when you look like...not your best, i'll still be seen with you in public (because my looks will compensate for that). because i like to take pictures and you like to be in them. because when you talk about love, you'll think of me. because i hate most of the foods you like and you hate most of the foods i like, so we never have to worry about our food going missing in our split fridge. because i like hugs and you like hugs and even if you're a germ-a-phobe (lol) you'll still kiss me when i'm sick. because you're a guy who likes to help out around the house! because you sing to me. because you let me color. because we can dance in the streets in the middle of the day and just be. because we just want to say fuck the world- its about you and me, only.
"so you gotta take the good the bad, happy and the sad
but when you bring a better future than i had in the past
cause i dont want to make the same mistakes again
don't want to fall back on my face again.
i'll admit it, i was scared to answer loves call,
but if it hits better make it worth the fall..."
- Knock You Down, Keri Hilson ft. NeYo & Kanye
with love you can't be too scared to try - it's more so about risks and trials and tribulations than anything else. so my advice, which means nothing to mostly everyone, is if you're going to love, love to the best of your ability, give it your all and don't be afraid to fail. they always say 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' so do that. let love find you. experience love. it's going to be scary, definitely. but with every encounter, you should be able to walk away saying you honestly gave it your best...
this may not make sense to all, but that's ok, cuz it's a blog - just a series of thoughts and revelations..
but when you bring a better future than i had in the past
cause i dont want to make the same mistakes again
don't want to fall back on my face again.
i'll admit it, i was scared to answer loves call,
but if it hits better make it worth the fall..."
- Knock You Down, Keri Hilson ft. NeYo & Kanye
with love you can't be too scared to try - it's more so about risks and trials and tribulations than anything else. so my advice, which means nothing to mostly everyone, is if you're going to love, love to the best of your ability, give it your all and don't be afraid to fail. they always say 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' so do that. let love find you. experience love. it's going to be scary, definitely. but with every encounter, you should be able to walk away saying you honestly gave it your best...
this may not make sense to all, but that's ok, cuz it's a blog - just a series of thoughts and revelations..
Monday, April 20
it's 3 am and nearly 70 degrees
i ended up staying up later than i had planned talking to a friend.
this friend said something that really stood out to me during our many conversations:
"no one ever tells someone everything"
and that's so true. i'm not sure if that was reassuring, as in it's ok for me to not know everything about everything, or if thats more along the lines of worrisome because now i know that as much as i think i know, i don't know everything about a given situation.
this friend said something that really stood out to me during our many conversations:
"no one ever tells someone everything"
and that's so true. i'm not sure if that was reassuring, as in it's ok for me to not know everything about everything, or if thats more along the lines of worrisome because now i know that as much as i think i know, i don't know everything about a given situation.
Sunday, April 19
lanyards
it's funny how alike two people can be, yet so different at the same time. i guess that's the real meaning of opposites attract. it's weird to think that people were "made for each other." what's even funnier is how difficult it can be for even the most "perfect" of pairs to make a relationship last. i have a feeling relationships are easier than people make them out to be. you know, perhaps it's as simple as not sweating the small stuff, celebrating the good, reassuring your partner, letting go of the doubts, and trying to be happy and make each other happy to the best of your abilities. trying your hardest, that's really all anyone can ask.
i mean, obviously i'm not naive, i know they take work -- trust me, i know. but thinking about it, thinking about the situations that make relationships hard, it seems like things that can, for the most part be avoided. (i just want to clarify that when i say relationships i am generalizing both romantic and friendships because it's way easier; i think i may just be used to twitter and trying to make everything as short and compact as possible..) in my relationship i strive to make it as easy as possible for both parties to simply be and love. basically, i don't care to have a dramatic, draining relationship. it helps that that's not his cup of tea either. i laugh a lot, have fun, have deep conversations, comfort, and experience exciting things because that's what a deep bond between two people promotes - experiences. why waste so much time on bad ones when there are so many good ones waiting to be had?
i mean, obviously i'm not naive, i know they take work -- trust me, i know. but thinking about it, thinking about the situations that make relationships hard, it seems like things that can, for the most part be avoided. (i just want to clarify that when i say relationships i am generalizing both romantic and friendships because it's way easier; i think i may just be used to twitter and trying to make everything as short and compact as possible..) in my relationship i strive to make it as easy as possible for both parties to simply be and love. basically, i don't care to have a dramatic, draining relationship. it helps that that's not his cup of tea either. i laugh a lot, have fun, have deep conversations, comfort, and experience exciting things because that's what a deep bond between two people promotes - experiences. why waste so much time on bad ones when there are so many good ones waiting to be had?
Lay's French Onion dip
in between helping my friend write a paper for his communication class and texting my favorite friend from back home, i've spent the last hour or so re-reading all the entries from my blog before i deleted it. man, i have some typooooos. but i know i am not perfect, so it happens. at first i was going to go back and fix them because i am in fact an obsessive compulsive, but i am not ashamed of my typos. and i feel sorry for anyone who expects every aspect of my blog to be perfect. my apologies if my mistakes are unacceptable to those who read my blog. but just a heads up, there will be plenty more where they came from. :)
on another note,
i'm realizing that my state of serenity and apathy is causing a little bit of tension between myself and those who are used to 'the old makensy.' that is another situation in which i do not know what to say to those folks. i apologize for having emotions? that my feelings about certain things change depending on certain situations. i apologize that at times i am sad, and at times i do not wish to be around people. i apologize that sometimes i am happy, but still simply do not wish to be around people. i apologize that at times i am not easy to be around and that is why i take myself out of certain situations - trust me on this one, just be glad i take time to myself every once in a while. i apologize that it takes much more energy from me to be around certain people than others -- energy that i do not always have. i apologize that sometimes i am simply tired and do not wish for company. i apologize that sometimes that my emotions sway so drastically that i am not ecstatic all of the time.... it is not that i do not like you or enjoy your company, but sometimes it is not about you, it is about me.
i apologize lastly because i do not apologize for any of that.
everyone is like that. everyone needs time to themselves.
to take it personally would be foolish. to be mad that someone is
at a point in their life where they experience emotions that you may
not understand now and may never understand, would be absurd.
i am a person, with a life no one will ever understand because they have not lived it - to tell me my emotions are uncalled for exemplifies naiveté.
on another note,
i'm realizing that my state of serenity and apathy is causing a little bit of tension between myself and those who are used to 'the old makensy.' that is another situation in which i do not know what to say to those folks. i apologize for having emotions? that my feelings about certain things change depending on certain situations. i apologize that at times i am sad, and at times i do not wish to be around people. i apologize that sometimes i am happy, but still simply do not wish to be around people. i apologize that at times i am not easy to be around and that is why i take myself out of certain situations - trust me on this one, just be glad i take time to myself every once in a while. i apologize that it takes much more energy from me to be around certain people than others -- energy that i do not always have. i apologize that sometimes i am simply tired and do not wish for company. i apologize that sometimes that my emotions sway so drastically that i am not ecstatic all of the time.... it is not that i do not like you or enjoy your company, but sometimes it is not about you, it is about me.
i apologize lastly because i do not apologize for any of that.
everyone is like that. everyone needs time to themselves.
to take it personally would be foolish. to be mad that someone is
at a point in their life where they experience emotions that you may
not understand now and may never understand, would be absurd.
i am a person, with a life no one will ever understand because they have not lived it - to tell me my emotions are uncalled for exemplifies naiveté.
Saturday, April 18
oh hello, remember me?
so, i'm going through this phase:
i can feel my life changing.
(lame and cliché, i know.)
i don't know if anyone else knows that feeling .
in case one doesnt, i will elaborate:
its a feeling of complete
apathy and concern
comfort and anxiety
serenity and stress
connection and isolation...
it's a good feeling, but a scary feeling at the same exact time.
i dont know where it's going to take me or what to expect...at all.
i dont know who to turn to, except God and myself - and i'm entirely fine with that.
so, amongst all the confusion, my plan is to just enjoy every minute, focus on what's in front of me and let everything else fall into place. ultimately, i will stay happy - that, of course, is the long-term goal and i'm more than excited to achieve it (lol, again, lame and cliché, i know)
anywhoo.
as for now, i just feel like cherishing some moments. :)
love.
i can feel my life changing.
(lame and cliché, i know.)
i don't know if anyone else knows that feeling .
in case one doesnt, i will elaborate:
its a feeling of complete
apathy and concern
comfort and anxiety
serenity and stress
connection and isolation...
it's a good feeling, but a scary feeling at the same exact time.
i dont know where it's going to take me or what to expect...at all.
i dont know who to turn to, except God and myself - and i'm entirely fine with that.
so, amongst all the confusion, my plan is to just enjoy every minute, focus on what's in front of me and let everything else fall into place. ultimately, i will stay happy - that, of course, is the long-term goal and i'm more than excited to achieve it (lol, again, lame and cliché, i know)
anywhoo.
as for now, i just feel like cherishing some moments. :)
love.
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