say something

this shit was all i knew - you and me only.

and i did it all for you, still you were lonely.

we could've worked it out...

but i guess things change.

it's funny how someone else's success brings pain.

when you're no longer involved, that person has it all,

and you just stuck standin there...

but,

i'm gon' need you to say something, baby.

reflecting..

*sings* "my whole life has changeeeeed..." (boys ii men)

last night i had a conversation about what it is/was in my life that makes me, me.

i came up with two things.

1. going to an all girls, private school

2. my last big relationship

when i told my friend that, he replied, that's crazy that a guy changed you that much. but that's less so the case than it may seem.

first off, going to an all girls school made me the confident, comfortable and outgoing person that i am. i used to be really shy and kept to myself. i used to not listen to music or watch tv - i don't really know what i did, but going to that school really got me out of my shell. not only did i become comfortable with myself as a young woman, but i developed a sense of courage and assertiveness, not afraid to speak my mind and let myself be heard. i'm a fairly likable person, unless i have or had something you want (usually, a dude...a lot of my female conflicts come from someone not liking me over a dude...it be like that though.)..i have a lot of friends and i'm always up for an adventure and making memories, something my school definitely instilled in me since grade 7. Also in going to an all girls school i became more comfortable around dudes and had a lot of guy friends outside of school, which i think also contributes the reason i enjoy male friendships (because for at least 7 hours a day i was surrounded by females). side note - because i was surrounded by so many females all the time, it became really easy for me to spot characteristics in females that i could tell i wouldn't like or that wouldn't mesh well with my lifestyle. it became a little harder for me to trust and invest in female friendships outside of those i went to school with, because i learned to read females fairly well....i've got my close ones in my pocket. they're really all i need.

secondly, my last big relationship was life changing not because the particular dude had that effect on me, but more so because i changed who i was for him...for over three years. it was crazy because i heard that from my friends all throughout our relationship, but i never realized how much until i stepped out and took a look. not gonna lie, it was mainly the underlying but very consistent insecurities he was faced with (among other things, but that's just the most prevalent issue). In an effort to make him as comfortable with me as possible, i held out on being who i truly was and doing the things i naturally felt comfortable doing -- sidenote: this is not to say that i felt like he kept me from partying when i wanted to, or that i wanted to be with other people while we were together, but at a point in time, my friendships made him uncomfortable, and for what i thought was love, i gave them up. or even how much i missed out on enjoying my first two years of college, which i compromised by flying home often or staying in to be on the phone - often of which our conversations left me in tears. i don't think it was worth it. but as i told my friend last night, i felt like i was [voluntarily] acting as a crutch to make sure all of his needs were met to the best of my ability with the resources i had, and for that i wasn't being true to myself. i was weaker for being with him, and now i feel like i can finally be the me that i've been needing to be. i've grown up more in the last few months since we've broken up than i did our entire relationship. i've experienced more, i'm able to say i'll never wonder 'what if...' the relationship is not something i regret, i doubt i ever will (however, i do wish it had not fought for it as hard as i did for as long as i did, only because i realize how blinded i was, thuusss, the only way i would've really been able to step back is if something fairly monumental happened between us..which it did. and that's that.)

this 'new' life is the life i needed to live, and in knowing that, i'm not one to move backwards. it's onward and up from here on out.

it was a wonderful experience i can honestly say i'll never forget, and i plan on telling the stories of it to my daughter when she gets her first heartbreak,

but it's definitely not something i plan to dwell on, let haunt me, or carry into other aspects of my life.

"everything happens for a reason" ...and i stand by that.

unforgettable

"i bet you think this song is about you, don't you..."

something that's always been a pet peeve of mine is people assuming they know what's going on with me, how i feel, or who i'm talking about when i say certain things - rest assured, no body knows what's going on in this world of mine except the people/person i'm dealing with.

BUT for some reason there is this stigma that i'm stuck in the past, holding on to things i had with people - friends or exes.
but i've never felt so emotionally detached from people who are no longer in my life for whatever reasons.

all i can see them for is being the reasons i learned a few life lessons. and i can't hate or still care for them the same way because i NEEDED them to f*ck me over in order for me to realize the reality of the situations and finally just let them go - these people were stepping stones.

so i thank them, pray for them, and i'm over it. but the misconception comes in the fact that, genuinely, i am over it. so while some people who i've had falling outs with still feel like they there's a mutual dislike, all the emotions - good and bad - that i once associated with certain folks, are gone. and they're simply people again - not necessarily a friend, not necessarily an enemy. thus, it's easier for me to overlook the past, not have any hostility or bitterness, and talk to them like i would any other person. BUT PLEASE BELIEVE, just because i can talk to you, does not mean i wish to continue where we left off.....

sometimes they're not ready for it though, but the way i see it, there's only one way to find out.
so, i'm a fan of 'trying'...

*this is a rambling post of emotions i had to get off my chest, so it may not make much sense, but that's ok.*

the realest sh*t ever:

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.

And the minute you stop making excuses for him,

he will completely disappear from your life."