*smile*

so, my blog this far has been about how completely confused i am about my life and the situations i find myself in. but with everyday, i reach a greater sense of clarity. i wouldnt go out on a limb to say it's a new me, but i'm trying to approach things with a different mindset. I'm tired of having drama in my life, it's so tiring, right?! - thus, i want to eliminate it the best way i know how, and for me, that's by refusing to give people a reason to..essentially think poorly of me. however, yet and still, I find myself getting not only dragged into situations, but blamed for the actions of others...which isn't cool. i'd rather people not assume i'm behind the drama in their lives. regardless, i can't help if someone has something against me, and as far as i'm concerned, as long as i try to resolve things on my end, there's not much more i can do but be the happiest, greatest, most positive me there is and those who like me, like me, and those who don't, don't. you know what they say; a [wo]man who tries to be liked by everyone has no backbone. well, i used to not have a back bone, but thanks to a good friend of mine, i've developed a great sense of integrity. in-teg-ri-ty. and that's literally something that no one can take from me. i plan to do something great with my life, but i will not do it for anyone but myself. I've gotten lost many-a-times trying to make others happy, and i still plan to provide happiness for as many people as possible, but i can't sacrifice my own happiness along the way. (i learned that from another good friend of mine). To sum it up, i'm happy because i'm doing me and being true to myself and my feelings and remembering to surround myself with the people who bring out the best in me.

so i'm pretty content with how things are going...i do miss my papa though. -_-

baby boy

so i'm watching baby boy..and even before i found out all bad shit of my past relationship, this movie has always reminded me of me and him. i dont know why. i mean i do, but i dont. like there are a lot of similarities in our characters, but not necessarily/always the situations (i.e. i do not have a baby). anyway, the scene(s) where jody decides to go to that girl's house that yvette works with was on, and jody like kisses all up on her, and she kinda gives him head..... but ultimately ends up not doing anything more than that..... yeeeah..so he realizes it's wrong and ends up leaving. woopdie woop. the next day this girl, pissed that yvette's man tried to be faithful to her..get's all foul on yvette like it's her fault. sidenote: i hate when girls start gangin up on other girls because of a man...like wtf grow the fuck up and get your own. GET YOUR OWN. so yvette, on the way home finds a pack of condoms and gets mad at jody cuz one of em's missing. so she gets mad and he gets mad that she's mad. and that scene, from the time they leave Lucy's to the time that he hits her. is word for word how i felt a few months ago..

it took me back. kinda made me a little sad...a small eentsy weentsy relapse, but i'm ok. because then i remember that i will be happy. :)

i've become one of those people who gets jealous very easily. i get stressed when in or approaching certain situations. if anyone has a way of dealing with these issues, please help me.
all i want is someone to talk to and someone to give me advice...actually listen...

i honestly dont know what i want, but i know it's nothing that i have now...or at least...not anymore. i was happy at one point in my life, believe it or not...i dont know what happened.

'bad things' happen to 'good people'

i'm cold right now.
i just want to put that out there, my window is open, but it's so far away.
anyway,
i've been watching sex and the city, the movie, and it has me doing a lot of thinking - about relationships and life and my happiness.
i need to reevaluate some situations.
i am 19 years old.
i've been in love.....
i've had my heart broken.
i've been severely depressed...too severely.

i've made some good friends...lost some good friends
i've made some sacrifices, things i gave up because i knew it would be worth it.
i've gone outside of my comfort zone
i became one of THOSE people..
but i'm not sure where that leaves me.
i've said this before, but i feel as though my default emotion is sadness, or self-pity.

but i want to be happy. i want to be motivated and driven. i want people to want to be around me. but that's not what my life is right now. i need to figure out a way to change it and to make it better. or at least find someone who can make me better. i thought i was better, i thought i was doing so well, had a wonderful and fortunate life. but then it all went away, and so suddenly - i never saw it coming. so to be honest with myself, i have fallen out of love. and i honestly hate saying it, i hate admitting it. can you fall back in love with the same person once you've fallen out, once that tie is broken? which takes me to my next point..people changing. i've found myself loving someone more than i love myself and now it's tearing us apart. i dont have much more to say..at least not something i need to put in this blog. i need to start telling my issues to the people who help create them. i yelled for the first time. i finally reached my limit. i am fed up in letting the relationship (and friendship) world revolve around someone else. them satisfying themselves and caring less and less about us. naturally i would like to see those around me happy, especially the ones i care for the most...especially. however, for some God forsaken reason, i continue to surround myself with people who can't ...or won't...show me the respect i show them. the things i sacrifice, not because i have to, but because relationships (and friendships) are about compromise, and people who really love you should want to see you happy, if not for you, but because seeing someone they love being happy should make them happy..as long as their happiness isn't directly compromising your happiness. what i mean is, why would someone who loves you want to do something that they know will make you unhappy? especially if it's something they don't need to do, something that isnt keeping them from being happy. i cannot respect someone who does things they know will upset me, simply because i can't respect the actions or the thoughts itself. it's like cheating. cheating when you know the person you're with will find out and it will devastate them. when you're 'happy' and 'in love' why do you continue to hurt the one you love? how does that make sense? how is that supposed to make someone feel? i dont know about other people who have been through the things i've been through, because i know i'm not alone, but i feel like i've put up with more issues in one relationship than i could ever deserve. i don't want to put up more than enough information than is needed to get my point across, but i deserve to be happy.

i deserve to be loved unconditionally and exclusively because that is something i should only expect. i deserve to be referred to by terms of endearment and nothing less. i deserve to talk to the person i'm with about my problems, because i can provide that same escape for them. I deserve to be respected. and i deserve to be treated like a princess because i would only want to treat him like a king. i dont ask for a lot..i am even willing to give up quite a bit...but if anything, like i've reiterated in almost every blog this far. i will be respected, and from now on,

i refuse to settle for anything less.

because i am only 19 and things will only get harder. if there's a man that can't handle me now, how can he expect to handle me for the next 50+ years. i refuse to further compromise my happiness. my future has so much in store for me. i will not waste anymore time not being happy.

i will be happy.

bad things happen to good people.

but what's bad? and how do you know if someone is a good person? people change. people aren't ever what they seem. people lie and sometimes they pretend to be good. maybe there are no good people, just uncorrupted people, and everyone, through relationships and friendships, slowly change, for the worse, to protect themselves from ever getting hurt again. and sometimes things happen for a reason. sometimes people come (and go..) and sometimes, maybe, you must accept it and....move on...sometimes...