my song for the night

VIDEO


<3

pictures on my mind

i have a fear of skinny people
ironic, i know.

this one is for Courtney D.
love you boo :)

Coincidence? i think NOT!

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous"

-Albert Einstein

how precious..

Dead and Gone

uh-oh, it's lent already!
i need to think of something to give up for Lent...in the meantime,
i'm just going to get some stuff off my chest.

i'll start by saying this:
there was a period in my life where i simply wasn't ready to be happy. i was more satisfied in my state of feeling like a hopeless victim all the time. i became stuck and so used to things never working out for me that i grew to be ok with it. i learned to not get my hopes up and expect failure and disappointment. i got used to being pessimistic and seeing the worst in everything. i grew accustomed to bringing those around me down, and being afraid to try new things. it really does become a state of comfort and addiction, as backwards as that may be. and i know it sounds silly, but sometimes people either just aren't ready to be happy or simply don't want to....but, it doesn't mean they can't be.

so,
why is it so hard to say goodbye? if it is so hard, is it that we're forcing something to be..or not be, rather? like there are people in my life who i've said goodbye to and it doesnt phase me one way or the other...at all. so one can conclude that those who can leave your life without a fight aren't meant to be around forever. so those who do put up a fight, those who are harder to leave behind or to get left behind by, how do you know when it's time to say goodbye? i feel like that's a big problem in my life, especially because this topic isn't directed towards any one specific aspect of my life, but them all. i'm starting to think that knowing when to stop is a huge problem for me. but then again, maybe it's not. lol.. i used to (and still do from time to time) struggle with negativity. i used to think that was my biggest issue. but speaking from the experiences of myself and the weight of others' negativity on me - that shit can get real old, real fast. i didn't want to be that person anymore. (hence the transition from all my old emo blog entries to my "new found more positive attitude-y ones". i refuse to be brought down. so i thought this new outlook on life and different situations would help me through anything. wrong. turns out, some people are still living in the past, and when people around you live in the past, constantly pulling you back, it gets really hard to move forward - even with a more positive attitude. it's difficult to go from thinking you've made progress only to encounter THE most minuscule situation to make ALL the hard work come crumbling down. and it's that small moment of weakness that makes it so difficult to climb back up. because of course once you've succumb to the obstacle you've encountered, you can't help but feel sorry for yourself and point out, not only every other negative thing in your life, but simply anything that is not uplifting and extremely positive. basically, once you fall, it's really hard to get back up, not impossible...but at times, really really hard. so, that takes me back: how do you know when you've reached the point where you've simply fallen, and need to get back up, versus just giving up and moving on? i remember reading something along the lines of: we fall down, but God gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. just because we're down today, does not mean we must remain down tomorrow, and once you get up, your fall will become a thing of the past... so as much as this is the ideal situation, i understand it simply cannot always be the case. i mean technically, i guess it CAN, but ...it won't. So how am i supposed to know when to give up? because at this point in my life, i feel that i've done "my part" in most of my situations. i'm not going to say i've done everything i could have/ can do, but i've put myself in vulnerable positions and usually walk away fairly empty handed. or even when i do walk away with a little hope and excitement, i eventually get slapped with a drastic downfall or an extremely unexpected, disappointing situation. and i've acknowledged that i cannot fall into the same traps of giving all of myself for a relationship because that leaves me in a lose-lose situation. Basically im over trying and failing so consistently, but at the same time, my "new attitude" won't let me give up. (ironically, T.I. & Justin Timberlake's Dead and Gone Video just came on. it's the first time i've really listened to the lyrics of that song...the first verse at least..it's funny how well T.I. knows me....:) lol)

anyway. i guess something i'm concluding is that i'm going to only give time to those who give time to me. but not just anytime, because haters give you their time even if they don't realize it. i'm trying to right my wrongs. i can't ..and won't worry about the petty negative jealous people, simply needing attention, just trying to bring me down because i'm doing something with my life and not dwelling over the past. i'm over you, be over me. do it for both of us. i want people in my life who mean well. who promote happiness. because bull shit gets old quick and gets you nowhere. get right. i'm sick of the shit. get off my nuts, grow some of your own and man the fuck up. just stop. i cannot handle the negativity. i'm honestly just trying to move forward. (that was a little bit of hostility from over the years...my bad) i want to be around a crowd that motivates me when i'm strong and even when i slip, who keeps me smiling. people into trying new things, interested in helping others and making the most of our time...etcetera etcetera..

as i'm "growing" i'm just realizing the importance of the things in my life and the lack of importance of the things that aren't. everything happens for a reason. i don't wan to give up until i have no other choice. even if i have an inkling of hope, i don't want to give up...i won't. if i feel i'll regret a decision, i don't want to act. i want to create my happiness. not through material possessions or pointless obsessions, but through my acts and my attitude and the acts and attitudes of those around me.

i believe i am finally ready to be happy.
so if you would just let me...

"i turn my head to the east.
i don't see nobody by my side.
i turn my head the west,
still nobody in sight
so i turn my head to the north,
swallow that pill that they called pride.
that old me's dead and gone,
but the new me will be alright"
- T.I. ft. Justin Timberlake (Dead and Gone)

hold me :\

i saw this one someone else's blog and all i could think was
"one of these would be REALLY nice right now."

lol

"You Can Get It All" - Bow Wow

i'm "late" with the post, i know, but i wanted to think about Bow Wow and his new song/video for a while before i evaluated it on this blog junk. lol, sooo
after showing some friends bow wow's new video, i've securely come to the conclusion that bow wow is sexy (like, dare i say, up there with TI...).
and on top of that, dude is really maturing - got rid of those damn corn-rows (i expressed how thankful i was about that in a previous blog his fade is niiiice), singing about love and changing, white linen get-ups, nix nay on the extreme bling-bling and the annoyingly cocky attitude (self confidence is veryyy sexy, yes...but sometimes people do tend take it too far where it's just...ugly. maybe it's just a personal turn off for me...), not too noticeably scrawny or anything haha...even his tattoos are really,really good-looking on him. lol. ok, i'm being silly. but i love bow, go ahead with your bad self, Shad. basically, his video made me really happy.

yay for people maturing and growing in love.

sometimes..

i can be a real nerd - i love school...well, i like learning and knowing new things...but sometimes, school can be extremely stressful. sometimes it does end up taking a LOT out of
you - right now, that's how i'm feeling. my school workload is at it's peek for the quarter and i just needed to vent. when i registered for classes i thought it'd be sooo cool to have all my classes on mondays, wednesdays and fridays and no classes on tuesdays and thursdays. not FULLY taking into consideration that all my tests would be on mondays, wednesdays or fridays...and there would be a small, but likely chance that i would encounter a day with more than one test/assignment. yeah. well that's what both tomorrow AND friday are like for me. it's going to be pretty difficult. two back-to-back midterms in my hardest classes, and yes, i'm kind of stressed. but i'm going to get through it -i've been studying literally non-stop. it's just extremely overwhelming at times. now, don't get me wrong. i do like my schedule(especially the part where i dont have classes on tuesdays and thursdays), but right now, this one week out of the whole quarter, i just need to say that
school is being a real pain in the ass.

this girl knows

Sure Thing

mmmm!

experience

i love experiencing new things. it's like a strange ...hobby. but ironically enough i haven't experienced a loooot of "normal" things my peers have. it could just be that my peers are very fortunate orrrr...it could just be that i'm inexperienced. regardless, i'm extremely excited to travel. these are some of the places i would like to go (in no particular order):

• egypt
• japan
• india
• greece
• spain
• south africa
  
• brazil
• ...all of south america.
  
• paris
• cuba
• new zealand
• indonesia
• morocco
• italy
• canada
• jamaica
• st. tropez
• finland
• ireland
  
• alaska
• australia
• oman
• barbados
  

...these are just a few from off the top of my head. the list goes on..

there's sooo many places, cultures, and people i want to experience!
i'm excited!

this was SOOOO deep to me.

watch the entire thing.
pay close attention.






shout out to Tanya



now, raise your hand if your jaw dropped.

Do you want to smoke some weed?

if you want to smoke marijuana,
then you should stay in/move to California!
this shit is about to possibly be legal up in this muhfugga.
legalizing cannabis could allow CA to collect about $1.3 billion
the law would be similar to alcohol, you would be able to buy, sell, posses and grow weed if you're 21+
annnd San Fransisco's heading the whole thing.
and a lotta people are backing it, specifically the SF Sheriff!
Barack isn't on board (irony)
i love residing in the Bay Areeeeaa!!


"everything happens first in California"
-kamila

READ THIS ARTICLE

Fly Guys

these cats are some of my favorite people ...ever.
i hope they'll become some of yours too.

FOLLOW THEIR BLOG & BECOME ONE WITH THEIR MUSIC

they have a mixtape coming out soon. it's DOPE AS CRAP. keep an eye out
"Zazz In The Box"

this video was so...cutting edge lol

♫ muuuuusic ♫

"there's only two types of people in the world: the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe"
- Britney Spears


*they're links :) *
♫Can't Blame You - Ginuwine
♫Walking On The Moon - The Dream ft. Kanye
♫Flight School - Kanye ft. T-Pain
♫Untouched - The Veronicas
♫Love Music - Chris Brown
♫My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
♫I'll Be In The Sky - B.O.B.
♫Man On The Moon - Kid Cudi
♫Bottoms Up - Keke Palmer -- yes, Akeelah from Akeelah and the Bee.
♫I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
♫Watch Em - Black Milk
♫Chopped 'n' Skrewed - T-pain ft. Ludacris
♫Circus - Britney Spears
♫Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna -- Yes, i'm STILL on this song.

(my apologies the videos are wack...it's the principle that counts.)


luego.

if you're reading this,
feel free to follow my blog.
just do it. :)

[untitled]

these are some things that i've been enjoying (or at least enjoying thinking about) lately. for some reason, i felt the need to share.

Music:

• Everybody Knows by John Legend
• Sunny Days by K'naan
• ABC's by K'naan
  
• 1234 by Plain White Tees
• Delivery Man by Cool Kids
• Just Dance by Lady Gaga ft. Colby O'Donis
• So Far Gone Mixtape by Drake
• Rockin That Thang Like by The Dream
• I Am...Sascha Fierce by Beyoncé
  
• Don't Give a F*ck by D-lo

(etc. etc...)


People:

• Denise Carmody. i was really hesitant to listen to what this woman had to say. she's old, and white, and really religious (nothing at all against old white religious women, but she's almost the exact opposite of me - what could she possible have to teach me about being me?) but she's probably had one of the most eye opening conversations with me on one of the best and most positive weekends of my entire life. she taught me that sometimes people just want you to listen, not solve their problems. she taught me to listen to a wide spectrum of opinions. she taught me the importance of communication. she taught me to not lose face when apologizing (still working on that one). she explained how the less ego involvement, the better. to have an open mind because pre-set emotions are blinders - and that's a tendency of the problem-solver-type people. she taught me that love means you're working for that someone's good. she taught me that you can't divide the public and the personal. because integrity means staying the same on the "inside" and the "outside." integrity is a life long journey of proving your faith to yourself and your morals. strong faith means good values. she taught me that a real love, acts as a support system. someone you can go to, someone who will support you no matter what. she taught me the importance of praying and reflecting and self-knowledge because the better you know yourself the better you can help and lead others. she reminded me to practice what i preach. she told me that "all the things in life teach us how to love. how to love ourselves, love others and love God." she's a big part of the reason and inspiration behind why i'm trying to be a better person.
  
• Aubrey 'Drake' Graham there's so much to this dude. he's becoming one of my favorite artist. i read this interview he had (i encourage everyone to read the whole thing as well..it's hella long, but it makes his music make so much more sense!) and he really does "keep it real." he is delicious and his music is too. he's different, and not afraid to be different, and you can kinda tell he has a high level of integrity, and admits when he's getting 'so far gone.' this kid is cool...pretty damn cool. i dont know what more to say about him without ruining the interview. so read it - if you're a drake fan, or on the fence, lol, it's worth it)
• Clifford "Tip" Harris a lot of people are hating on him (my baby love, T.I.) because he's "promoting" his bad-ass behavior by doing an MTV show about his 'road to redemption.' i mean, i guess. but i choose to look at it like he's choosing to spend his last couple of days of freedom by helping out kids who he feels are following in his footsteps or worse. i feel like this dude has honestly learned his lesson. and i'm not just saying that because i'm his boo. listening to some of the things he says and shows these kids, this show isnt just a documentary time flick, the show has the power to affect kids who watch the show as well as the obvious impact it has on the kids on the show. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but im really feeling this TI, it's admirable when someone learns their lesson and turns their whole life around to help others. and then look good while doing it!? oh boy.
• Meechka. enough said. simply because i love him and he's my best friend. I respect him for the shit he puts up with in his life on the daily - and the fact that he doesnt let it bring him down. he's very strong. and for making me feel special even when i dont realize it..and continuing to even so. and loving me when i dont deserve it (even tho i love him when he's lame too lol). i like him because he's human, and he makes mistakes, but he's constantly trying to be better. i like that he's getting a new sense of style..and it's working for him. lol i like him because he's cool, and he stands out instead of blending in. i love that he loves school and learning and recreational reading and good music and staying in shape and eating healthy and funny shows and romantic comedies and cuddling and holding me.....i love him because he has the power to make those around him happy and even though i get jealous, he makes everyone who knows him feel special in some sort of way and brightens more peoples' days than he may realize. i love him because he says cute cliché things that can't help but make you smile. i love him because he's almost kind of funny - he tries soooo hard lmao, just kidding.....and i love him because he's down to try new things and likes to experience these things with me. i cant really explain why i really love him...but i guess, its basically that he's kinda like my better half. he keeps me strong when i'm not strong enough for myself and motivates me when i get down on myself. a simple hug from him is enough to make me feel better instantly. i miss him even when i'm with him. and no matter how mad and irrational we get at times. i'll always feel this way about him in, even the dusty, bottom, back, left corner of my mind and at the very deep deep deeeeeeeeep pits of my heart lol. 314.

Places

• Los Angeles - my home

• Santa Clara - my current residence

• Barcelona, Spain - where i'd be in six months

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Road To Redmeption

so i'm in love with TI. he's amazing. and even more so lately, my level of admiration for him for turning his life around has reached a-whole-nother level. so, i've been watching his show. mainly because it's TI and i love the chance to be able to see him as much as possible. but this show is actually...inspirational. lol, no i'm no gang member..but i've done my share of wrong things - i can be a bad ass..grrr. and watching this guy, TI go out to these kids (even though his community service is required) and help them get on the right track with their lives and follow their real-life dreams. shit. i'm moved. if these people with almost nothing, selling drugs, having criminal records, hating people they barely know, constantly on edge to see if they may even survive to see tomorrow.... they're actually digressing when it comes to getting to a secure place in life. man, if they can turn their lives around, i literally have no excuse to be whatever it is i want to be and go where ever it is i want to go. i went to a good schools, had and continue to have a LOT of great opportunities, experienced things most people will never be able to experience in their whole lives. PLUS, i'm enrolled in a great university...the world is my oyster! there's nothing i can't do. try me...hahaha...no, but seriously. try me. :D

so thanks TI for doing your community service.

and yes, yes i will marry you.

+

i'm not ready for my day to end

today was quite a day. it wasn't a bad day, it wasn't a good day, but it was a day. i realized how strong of a person i am today. i like it too. i really am growing. i really do have more self confidence. it's amazing what believing in yourself can do for you - even when you don't realize it. so today, despite the hardships, i continued to smile, i kept my head up, and i held on to my faith tighter than i've ever had to and ever want to have to again. i'm sure the ambiguity is annoying, but those who know will know. (what?) i guess, i'm saying all this to say, i'm proud of myself. i had a really good day in terms of how i handled myself and dealt with what life threw my way. normally i'd be laying at the foot of my bed, head under the covers in the fetal position, pushing everyone away from me with my puffy little face and squinty eyes. we all know how that goes. taking all the obstacles i faced as my failure to make my path to success an easy one. i'm done with that mentality though. life is hard. i'm just realizing that. you know what's even harder than life? relationships. not everything in life will be easy. so many people say it, but i've totally been taking that advice for granted. but it's the hard times that make life exciting. that's when some of the most awkward memories are made. and everyone loves an awkward moment to remember. so, i think i cannot sleep because i'm so proud of how i handled my day that i'm kind of nervous about going to sleep, in fear that my new found confidence may have just simply been a temporary thing. i'm really hoping it's not. i like it. others like it too! matter of fact, i just wont let it. i'm sticking with this attitude for the rest of my life. from now it's like a marriage...and i refuse to get a divorce. im with happiness, and he's moving in because he's here to stay....lol. what am i even saying? i'm going to get to the real point of this blog: VH1.

why VH1 you ask?
so since i cannot sleep, i've been up watching VH1, and they've just been playing music videos for the past few hours. and fortunately for me, a lot of these videos were songs i enjoy listening to, by artists i enjoy watching in videos ive been wanting to see! it was a win win win situation. and the cool thing about VH1 that's kind of underrated (because VH1 has officially become ALL reality TV shows...but i guess nothing is wrong with a reality TV show.............) is how diverse the music is that they play. so i appreciate that VH1 and i just needed to get that off my chest.

touché VH1, touché

twitter + berry = twitterberry

alright alright alriiiight.
not gonna lie. i was super anti-twitter until today (yesterday because it's 2:38am). i remember when people first started getting on this website, but i, for the life of me couldnt get with it. but i made one of them shits hella long ago, but i just never ever used it. forreal, i just didnt get the purpose. but with the help of some lovely people in my life, Mychael and Hamilton, i decided to give it another try. the only reason i'm really down to get down is because i got this twitterberry application - i recommend this for all the blackberry users. and obviously the iPhone/touch iPod has an application for everything, so get on that too. so with the help of this little bucket of convenience i call a blackberry, i can just update as i go...literally. so we'll see how this newness goes. i'm still a bigger fan of the blogging. (gooo blogs!) but, it literally cannot hurt to try. i'm down to try anything once. my new motto:
its all about giving things a chance ;)

love.

Bo Yo

this guy is hilarious and actually RIDICULOUSLY TITE.
please check out the rest of his youtubes.

Soooo Far Gone!

76,000 album downloads in it's first five days of release.

ok, yeeeeah...COMPLETELY procrastinating on my real homework, so i'm doing my self assigned homework, listening to DRAKE'S So Far Gone. now, i've been an aubrey graham fan since the degrassi days. (shout out to my little CoCo Puff) i actually remember when he was off the show for a while in an effort to pursue his music career lol (that's why he got shot). but i'm not gonna lie, i was not tryna support him leaving the show, so i was hesitant to try to enjoy his music. but his music is good, i did in fact, enjoy it. then all of a sudden, out of NOWHERE this cat blew up, and everyone's loving him, waiting for him to release music, fantasizing about sexing him, reciting his lyrics, calling him one of the greatest lyricists etc., etc.,. and because everyone was on his nuts (along with a few other personal reasons) i stopped caring for his music. i'm not against it, but i literally don't care. apathy. but his first songs were connected some other stuff. i'm tryna mature musically. i'm expanding my horizons and opening myself to more musical opportunities. normally, i just listen to music people send me or artists i know i'm a fan of. but that's playing it too safe. there is soooo much music out there. it's ridiculous. so i got this here So Far Gone. and i'm determined to listen to it, really listen to it though. (i'm listening to it as i write this actually). but when i multi-task with my music listening i dont give these lyricists justice, i focus on the beats. so superficial. i'm done doing that. i wanna really appreciate the music i listen to. and listen to it for more than the melody. i want to hear the stories these artists tell. maybe they'll teach me something or even better, make me feel something i aint never felt before. & right now, i just want to hear Drake spit that realness over some tite beats that's why i'm a fan.
music is my re-developing passion. i let it slip,
slept on some stuff,
but baby,
i'm back.

"i say you the fuckin best. you the fuckin best. you the fuckin best. you the fuckin best. you the best i ever had. best i ever had. best i ever had. best i ever had. i said you the fuckin..."

-Drake (Best I Ever Had) * Drake told me to, so i dedicate this one to my meechka

"leave me, leave me. i cant fucking stand you. wish i had the courage to say everything i planned to. my girlfriend, my girlfriend, call herself my girlfriend. tell me that we 'posed to be together til the world end..but.. i dont really feel that. i just really wanna turn the wheels back. hereareyour sweater and your heels back, convince you that time will heal that. you look for reasons for us to argue. i swear ever ytime i call you, you just tell me how i dont call you. why you do that?"

- Drake (Let's Call It Off)

annnd that piano outro is seeexy

maaaaaan

my blog is so...'gay' as someone i know loves to call me..
not in the offensive way, but it's so girly and emotional and ...mooshy gooshy
so,

suck it, bitches *grabs crotch*!!

(woo, that's better.)

i love this boy

i wanna rock witchu

don't worry, be happy.

so studies prove that even if you're sad, depressed, angry, crying, frowning...basically do anything NOT associated with happiness, smiling will make you feel better. Apparently, the movement of your 'smiling muscles' (that's what i'm just going to call them...) sends messages to your brain that say you're happy. (this is obviously because your brain associates smiles with happiness.) so when you smile, your brain thinks your happy. thus, neurotransmitters are fired in your brain and you actually do start to think and feel happier. so that's my new process. i know it's annoying and frustrating and embarrassing as crap to just be pissed off and not want to be pissed off, so you just start cheeeeese-ing your hardest out of nowhere. lol but the way i see it, if you truly want to be happy, you'll do what you've got to do.

example:

a genuine ass smile.

Confidence.

self confidence, my friends...it's key.
i'm working on mine. how is yours?

beauty is in the eye of the beholder

i used to think i was fragile & weak. then i thought about it a little more. i've been through more crap than i would wish upon anyone. but i choose not to express the full extent of what kind of person it has made me, so most people will never really know what i've seen or how many ways people have hurt me. and i used to think having the extreme faith in people that i had was a bad thing. so i tried to stop expecting much, and my natural inclination to have faith in people fell to pieces. but again, i thought about it a little more. everyone needs people to have faith in them, otherwise they get lost in temptation and communication and devastation. i choose instead to have faith in those who have faith in themselves, and those who don't. i choose to be a mirror to reflect a light of positivity.
i don't feel that i am fragile,
i do not feel that i am weak because
i am not yet broken. through the, what seems like endlessly long branched cracks and shattered shards, sharp edges and impossibly tiny missing pieces, i can still have faith in people. i still open myself up to opportunities, happiness, love, experience, humor, people. a weak person could not remain open after the obstacles i've overcome. keyword being overcome. i have suffered, i have. but i do not want, nor do i choose to make others suffer to feel my same pain. i have been let down, but i cannot lower myself to let down those who i have encountered, or will encounter. i am better than that. despite the ugliness, i will continue to see the beauty in myself and those struggling to see it in themselves, as well as those who have found it. at the end of the day, a confident mind will open her eyes to possibilities while holding true to her integrity....a secure heart will allow new people and make way for new experiences...a strong person will see the beauty in others, even when the worst may shine through. i refuse to be fragile, i refuse to be weak, because

it is those
experiences
that give me the
strength and knowledge
i have, but they do not define
who i am.

this blog looks like christmas. think, 'happy'

im going to go out on a limb here, switch it up a little bit, throw out a little bit of that POSITIVE energy into the world, and saaaaay:

by far, THE best feeling in the world, is being appreciated.
everyone should take the time to make those around them feel appreciated. you don't realize how much someone does for you until they stop doing it all together. do not take people for granted. it can cause the greatest amounts of pain. if you're going to love someone, or something, let it be known and do it to the fullest. if you're going to half-ass, you might as well not try at all.


i.love.you.

betta half

this whole love thing is weighing on me.
it shouldnt, so from now on, i won't let it.

i want to love
and i want to love right.
but i can't give what i don't have.
don't get me wrong, i have love in me. i've just lost it.
i know this, because i wasn't always a slave to THIS kind of love.
i loved myself, and my life, and my friends above everything. but
you know how they say once you've felt what it's like to be whole, it's
hard to go back to being a half. well, i felt the whole. the whole was wonderful,
but alas, my whole crumbled, so i'm forced to be a half...if not less. but i'm not going
to let it ruin me. i'm finding the good. up to this day, there is one relationship, out of
the many i've seen, and little i've experienced myself, that is the most beautiful partnership
i could never even imagine dreaming of having. to literally be in love with your best friend and have that person be who you come home to, who you share everything with, who fathers or mothers your children, who takes care of you when you're sick, who just holds you when you can't help but cry, who does something special and random just to remind you that they love you in case you've forgotten. "someone who will give you most of their french fries without making them give you any," someone who knows you better than you know yourself, and STILL loves you regardless. well, i know that that is possible. so i haven't given up on the actual idea of love. but of course, i have learned my limits.
i will not respect someone who doesnt respect me or our relationship. i will not trust someone who does not trust themselves or trust me. and i will not expect anything from anyone, but demand that they treat me the way they would want to be treated by me.

love has been my priority for a while now. it still is because i have fallin in love with love. but forcing love isn't true. i dont do that. but love being my priority just means i'm open to experience new things, because you never know when or where love awaits. i want to fall in love with my hobbies. i want to fall in love with solitude. i want to fall in love with my studies and my career. i want to fall in love with things that will bring me happiness. i understand nothing can bring you consistent happiness, i'm fully aware of that, so i do not expect it. i'm just over here loving myself. you can love me too, or you cannot. i will be just honkey-dorey

[i am done here]

solomente

if i dont like who i am, how can i expect others to? a good friend of mine reminded me of the importance of loving myself and finding the good.

SIDE.NOTE
:::

I get really thrown off because i am most positive there are ulterior motives for his
pro-stance on me ditching my hopes of being with my hopeful. but i'm
noooot really down for being 'that girl' for anyone. i can unfortunately say that i look down on all those females who are down for that too and hope that i never fall into that trap, most specifically not voluntarily.
:::

so,

i admire those who love themselves. but not just anyone who loves themselves, but those who love themselves because they take pride in who they are, have been, and will be. those who don't give up on things they love, even when it looks like there's no point. those who care about others when they're too weak to care for themselves, because they understand that at some point, everyone needs someone. i admire those who can celebrate themselves, by themselves. i admire those who smile through even the worst of the worst of the worst of times. those who persevere. i admire people who empathize, understand, and try to change. my goal, my incentive, my passion, at this moment in my life, is to be that person. i want to do it for myself. i need to do it for myself.

quote

"anything worth doing, is worth doing slowly."

just thinking

there's so much information that i want to convey though this blog, but i've come to the realization that i can't even identify for myself what information i have in my mind. so many thoughts so many, second guesses, analysis, questions, comments, decisions...so much history. so much goes into why i am who i am today. no one will ever really understand or know what i'm trying to say fully. perhaps some people can relate (partially why i have a blog that's open to the public but not advertised. in case anyone who feels like they're the only one going through some shit, they'll see my blog and empathize of feel empathy..). i figure typing will help me reach some conclusions. but more often than not, i reach a conclusion i was already aware of. my point is. who am i? and what does that mean. i'm someone who likes to make other people happy but more often than not i sacrifice my own happiness in the process (but i try not to let it show and usually it boils up inside of me and one day i explode with a lot of anger and frustration...and i feel bad for the person who feels my wrath -_-) . is giving up something so bad? i didnt think it was until recently. i'm all about the compromise. but i have to remember that not everyone is like me, because often times i get extreeeeemely affected when others dont show me the same level of respect i'm trying to show them. whether it be much respect or little respect, reciprocity is key. i need hobbies. i need something to do that will keep me happy when others let me down. not that people suck or anything, i just get sad when i feel like i couldnt make someone happy enough. so if i stop letting my happiness rely on others' satisfaction with my friendship or whatever the case may be...i'll feel good more consistently...i'll keep pondering this 'who am i REALLY' business.

i understand this is probably confusing. typing just helps me realize my thoughts.
goodnight

lauryn hill

this woman literally takes the words right out of my mouth.


STARTING WITH:
it could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard. loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. tell me who i have to be to get some reciprocity. see, no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will. is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way? forces you to scream my name, then pretend that you can’t stay. tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity. no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will. no matter how i think we grow, you always seem to let know it ain’t working. and when i try to walk away, you’d hurt yourself to make me stay. this is crazy. this is crazy…this is crazy. i keep letting you back in. how can i explain myself? as painful as this thing has been, i just can’t be with no one else. see, i know what we’ve got to do. you let go and i’ll let go too. cuz no one’s hurt me more than you, and no one ever will. no matter how i think we grow, you always seem to let me know it aint working. and when i try to walk away you’d hurt yourself to make me stay. this is crazy, this is crazy…this is crazy. care for me, care for me. i know you care for me. there for me, there for me, said you’d be there for me. cry for me, cry for me. you said you’d die for me. give to me, give to me. why won’t you live for me? care for me, care for me. you said you’d care for me. there for me, there for me, said you’d be there for me. cry for me, cry for me. you said you’d die for me. give to me, give to me. why won’t you live for me? care for me, care for me. you said you’d care for me. there for me, there for me, said you’d be there for me. give to me, give to me. why won’t you live for me? cry for me, cry for me. you said you’d die for me. where were you when i needed you?

BUT ENDING WITH:
You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you. You’d be like heaven to touch. I want to hold you so much. At long last love has arrived. And I thank God I’m alive. You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you. Pardon the way that I stare. There’s nothing else to compare. Your side of you leaves me weak. There are no words left to speak. but if you feel how I feel please let me know that it’s real. You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off you. I need you baby. If it’s quite all right I need you baby to warm the lonely night. I need you baby, trust in me when I say ok. Oh pretty baby, don’t let me down Ill pray. Oh pretty baby, now that I’ve found you stay, And let me love you, oh baby let me love you oh baby. You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you. You’d be like heaven to touch. I want to hold you so much. At long last love has arrived. And I thank God I’m alive. You’re just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of you. I need you baby, and if it’s quite alright, I need you baby to warm the lonely nights. I love you baby. Trust in me when I say it’s ok. Oh pretty baby, don’t let me down I’ll pray. Oh pretty baby, now that I’ve found you stay. And let me love you oh baby let me love you oh baby. I need you baby. If it’s quite alright, I love you baby. You warm the lonely nights. I need you baby, trust in me when I say it’s ok. Oh pretty baby, don’t let me down I pray. Oh pretty baby, now that I’ve found you stay. Let me love you, ok?


-_-

MAGIS

i'm all packed. i'm going to the santa cruz mountains for the weekend! we'll see how well this goes, it's supposed to be really cold (as long as there's no wind, i'll ge ok) and rainy. i'm contemplating if it's even worth bringing my flat iron lol.

but the real point of this entry is, i'm going to sleep..and going to sleep happy. i've been legitly happy lately. i'm loving life, and apparently it's loving me back. lol. i hope to keep this up. it's a really good feeling.

my motto is : "plan for tomorrow, but live for today."
[life is short, there's no time for B.S.]

i love you, Life!
;)

check this out

HANG IN THERE JACK

fame..it comes with a price.

so i'm a Student Ambassador at my school (yay me! woo! alrighttt) and i am not allowed to post up pictures of me doing anything illegal or that would represent myself or the school in a negative light. i cannot post pictures of me in a photo if someone else is shown drinking..or smoking [illegal things obviously]. and of course sometimes it sucks because the funniest, coolest pictures are usually from a night involving a lot of ...illegalities lol, but i can't publish them for my friends to see. sometimes i'm tempted to just put up pictures, because it's not like my bosses check my facebook or my friends' albums. so i put some pictures up the other day of me with some champagne. you know me, always gotta push the limits. like two days later those bad boys were down. wanna know why?

EXHIBIT A.

THIS dude got totally busted. my roommate (I LOVE MY ROOMMATE. she's amazing, i couldn't have asked to live with anyone better.)
and i were talking today about the negative consequences of becoming famous at a young age, being someone who represents something. there's so much pressure, you essentially dont get the privilege of living a 'normal life.' he lost soooo much money because this one picture was put somewhere it shouldnt have been (and obviously because he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing) and now, Kellogg will not renew his sponsorship contract and they were giving him hella money. you saw how many cereal boxes he was on! but if you're worried about his income depletion, don't worry, most of his other sponsors are still sticking with him, after all, he won 8 gold metals in one Olympics (is that the proper term? an Olympics?)..now in this blog, i'm not comparing myself to
michael phelps. well, i guess i actually kind of am...but, psssh..
no, i'm much better, i'm a
STUDENT AMBASSADOR!

The Notebook

one of the most meaningful scenes to me.

psychology class

now hear me out,
today, in my psychology class i learned about instincts in relationships between men and women. now to some people, it's obvious, but today, the information really clicked. my professor explained to me that when a woman cheats on a man she's with, the first question in his mind is 'did you have sex with him?" when a man cheats on a woman, her first question is "do you love her?" this is because a man in a relationship's first instinct is to have a family, continue his line, so when he hears of his woman cheating, he fears the woman he's with is continuing another man's line (or just simply not happy with continuing his), taking care of someone else's children. a woman on the other hand, her first instinct is to have a man who is willing to take care of her and her offspring in the best way possible and for the long term. So when she finds of her man cheating, she wants to make sure he doesnt have feelings for another woman and is tempted to leave her..alone. so that's where i'm seeing a lot of patterns with relationships and insecurities. what a man and a woman want from each other go hand in hand, however, the knowledge that people make mistakes, mistakes that are natural for a man and feared by women and vice versa, leads people to literally, naturally be insecure.

i also learned:
-homosexuality is actually genetic
-premature babies are more likely to be "difficult" as they grow up
-the same hormone that's released during an orgasm is released when breast feeding.
-some babies never crawl
-shyness is a genetic trait
- the average 2 year old is half his/her height
-emotional trauma can impair physical growth
- at 12 weeks after conception, a baby can frown/smile and has a heartbeat
-female babies are more likely to survive if premature
-only 20% of people over 80 develop Alzheimer's
-at age 60+ there are 150 women to 100 men. at age 80+ there are 200 women to every 100 men
-having an orgasm during menstruation can completely cure cramps (-_-)
-with depression, someone's thoughts tend to be the easiest things to change (as opposed to their physiological tendencies, their behavioral tendencies, or their actual feelings)

[i'll update this as i learn more!]

i am a girl

you know what's sexy in a man? dominance, confidence, and a sense of humor. i love a man with manners. opens my door, pulls out my chair, asks me if i would like anything. i like to be cared for and be cute and romantic. i love holding hands, being held, cuddling, eye contact from across the room, subtle winks, it's extremely flattering. i literally get weak for those things. i can't help but smile, i can't help but be in a phenomenal mood. i love to know i'm loved. while on the subject, i love eye contact. i love staring a man down to see if he's 'man enough' to look back and make eye contact with me too. eye contact says so much to me. its sensual and fantastic lol. it's so easy to get lost in someone's eyes. and if you've got nice set of eyes, it's always a bonus. i love a man who can laugh not only with me, but at me..laughing at me shows a level of comfort. it tells me youre not judging me on how perfect i am or how perfect you want me to be, or that i dont disappoint you when i make a mistake, but you realize that i'm not perfect, that i'm human. he also has to be able to laugh at himself. there's no fun in someone who takes himself to seriously. i love sarcasm, sarcasm is a huge part of who i am, so it's got to be something he could understand. a sense of humor is key. the key to a connection between two people, but it also keeps you young. even goofy laughs can be cute. however, there is an extreme to how funny is too funny. stupid funny can be annoying and physical comedy can be easily over-used. farting out loud on purpose, and laughing about it is not funny. sidenote, accidents happen. :\. comedy is sexy when intelligent. i love someone who's quick to smile, and actually enjoys life and where they are. i love someone who can pick me up, emotionally, yes, but also physically. i want someone who is there for me like i plan to be there for him. in addition to that, it's silly, but i like to jump and be carried and be silly and have fun. running and jumping is a part of who i am, i need someone who can and is willing to catch me. i love looking up to a man. not that i need to, but there's always a level of comfort that comes along with being with someone who is in control, has a level head, responsible, but still knows how to have fun. looks at life in the best way possible, never settles and has a goal..goals. drive is a very sex characteristic. a man that wants to go somewhere..anywhere..and is willing to do anything. that's something that i can admire. i always notice how people eat, so i can't stand a guy that chews loudly or talks with food in his mouth or just eats annoyingly in general. i love a man who's willing to go out with me, party when in the mood, but it doesnt consume our time, we do it because we want to. i love a man who can get along with my friends, because a best friend's opinion factors in a lot when dating someone. someone willing to experiment, take that how you want.....i love a man who wants to travel and learn about different lifestyles and cultures and knows interesting facts and constantly teaches me something. i love someone who lets themselves be vulnerable, shows their true colors, doesnt have an idea of what a man is about and sticks to it, but just goes with what he feels. slow to yell, quick to want to understand. i'm not going to lie, i like a man with muscle. i'm a fan of the six pack..the cute ones lol. i'm not a fan of shy, i love a fairly straight forward guy, without losing all romance. don't assume how i'll respond. i like to feel protected and safe, to some extent, i think it's safe to say one of the most important things to me, is someone who can simply find fun in the smallest things. i don't need to be showered with expensive gifts and dinners, although greatly appreciated, i find pleasure in the most intimate and personal moments.

a lot of birds are about to die.

[killing like 40 birds with my one stone --- birds being thoughts, stone being the blog entry]




i am my own star player.

i respect myself

i love myself (when it comes down to it)

i enjoy making others happy - it makes ME happy, to make others happy.

i like to think about my life so i can understand it - understand what i like about myself, what i dont like, what others dont like...because at the end of the day, i want to be my best. not just do what i like or what i think is right for me, it takes those around you to help you see and be the best you.

i don't have any passions.

i love taking pictures. a lot a lot. [it's probably one of my passions!!]

i just realized that if i like someone, i find more emotion in kissing them than other things. never thought i'd think like that because at one point i was a serial casual make out artist (?)

i love anyone who can make me smile. not just smile, but a genuine smile, the smile that only a few people have seen in my life. the one where i fight it back, tilt my head to the side, wag my tail... lol, i guess you'd have to love me too to know this side.

being straight forward is my motto for '09. if i want it, i'm going to go after it. forget embarrassment or being nervous. i wont do anything i dont want to do, however, because i get satisfaction out of making others happy, im willing to not neglect others' feelings to be a better person for a given society. my life is so much bigger than me (that's a personal opinion, obviously) some people feel their life is about making them happy, becoming the most that will satisfy them. however, when i look at it, the people that became any body in life, didnt live their lives thinking about their selves. Ghandi didnt fast so he could achieve some kind of self-fulfillment. he wasnt doing it for himself, trying to get ahead or make a name for himself - he was honestly just being a good person. However, Hitler is someone who did quite the opposite. He knew what he wanted, and did what he needed/wanted to get his ideal world/life..and he hurt a lot of people along the way. -- i guess what it comes down to it, a question i'm constantly in debate about is "how selfish is too selfish?"
...i clearly got a little side tracked there....

i like to know that people are thinking about me. it's not that i feel i NEED people to keep me happy (i actually couldnt really say that i dont, because i've never really been 'without people') but it's just always been a kind, flattering, uplifting gesture, to know when [good] things remind people of you, or when people want to be around you. to say you dont need someone is questionable, but for the most part, people enjoy people...for the most part.

i am a hopeless romantic (but i try not to act like it, cuz i'm embarrassed by it) but believe it or not, i am a "real" girl..i like cute, girly, romantic things. i like reading romantic poems and stories. i like helping my male friends pick out gifts for the girl(s) in their lives because i know how extremely happy and special a lady can feel when she gets a gift..of any size or value..gifts truly say and mean soooo much. most guys dont get that, simply because it's not something that can be explained to someone. EVERYONE LOVES FEELING SPECIAL[especially those in relationships] and for some reason, doing stuff for/with/to people makes them feel special..go figure. keep in mind, sometimes the sweetest things won't cost you a dime.

i cracked my blackberry - it's literally a crackberry. today i realized that the blackberry is perfect for me and my life. i can't wait until the Curve II comes out...for verizon...a.k.a. a year and a half after it comes out for every other phone company.... -_-

why do people have to like multiple people? i wish emotions were like....mosquitos...or something.. [work with me...] and their emotions were their little blood sucking tentacle thingies. [...i'm going somewhere with this..] they could only attach their emotions to one person at a time, give them their all...suck suck suck...bite bitet bite, but in a positive way of course. then, when they're done, they won't die like bees...they can still experience life after one relationship/suck-bite-fest. and then when they find another person to suck/bite on, they can't suck on both parties, it's impossible. i respect mosquitoes for biting one person at a time...you rock.

i like stripes better than dots. do you?

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

i love being in love [with someone who's in love with me] honestly, one of the best feelings in the world. it's what our whole lives are surrounded around. i will miss it.

i'm right handed, but i was taught how to write by someone who was left handed. so i slant.

i want to have a wedding..like yesterday. i have someone in mind. i know it would be amazing. [if only TI wasn't going to jail...lol...jk. 1437]

i had a conversation with my friend today about gift giving. dont half ass gift-give guys. and don't claim you're a good gift-giver if you're not. don't mistake me for someone who's not grateful for gifts..i am...i promise. but there's a difference between having a good friend who gives you a gift he or she either knows you already have, won't ever use, can't fit, or get it in a color they know youre not a huge fan of....but, they're you're good friend. it's almost like intentionally going out of your way to get a gift the recipient won't life. raise your hand if that's ever happened to you. i'd rather get the smallest gift in my favorite color, or that represents a memory, or reminded them of something i said a long long time ago...or nothing at all...than a 'i know i had to get you a gift' gift... it just sends a bad message. (i hope this didn't discourage anyone from giving me gifts in the future. i love you. my birthday is December 11. :))

PLEASE RECYCLE. if not for your society, or your children, or so you or those around you can breathe clean air and drink clean water, ...do it for me. i love you.

i like to analyze, i should be a ...something-ist.

i miss take your daughter to work day.

i like to watch Friends, Real World, Monk, That 70's Show. i HATE 'reality' TV shows.

i was on a 'reality' TV show.

I wonder what affect i've had on people's lives i've come across this far. i wonder to whom (grammatically correct) i've taught new things, or who's dreams i've killed. who's days i've brightened, who's day's i've ruined with my snide comments, who's relationships i've helped, who's i've hurt, how many people i've made legitimately hate me, what i've done that's made people "love" me, how many people actually appreciate that i've held the door open to, how many people i've made want to get to know me. REGARDLESS, i hope by the end of my life, i've made millions of people smile, made thousands of peoples' days, and taught hundreds of people new things. that's my life goal, to make a difference in even the most minuscule way.

i hate fluorescent lighting.

i have a thing for black electronics. i love em - gotta have em. mmmmmm!

i like accessories. youll never catch me without a few...everrr! i recently had a thing for scarves, by recently i mean a little over a year ago. lately i'm realizing how trendy they are, which makes them kind of boring for me. but it's so hard to have a rare trend nowadays. i simply wear what i want...when i can afford it.

i'm addicted to chapstick. literally. i guess something went wrong with me as a child (according to Freud) during the Oral stage. see, i used to suck my thumb until i was in about 3rd or 4th grade...my family tried everything to get me to stop, hot sauce on my fingers, band-aids, making me play sports where i needed my hands...etc, the only reason i stopped is because my brother threatened that i would have to get head gear. that's all it took. i stopped so fast. occasionally i slip...like once every 5 years.....anywhoo, i think that lead to me loving chapstick, because i still get to play with my mouth (dont take this in a dirty light) without messing up my teeth or getting all kinds of germs in my system/ everything else bad that came along with sucking thumbs. FYI i prefer Rosebud, Blistex (not the stick) or Chapstick (the stick).

i haven't had un-painted fingernails in a very very long time. i feel it adds character/ looks ugly when i dont.

when i was in 8th grade, i cut my hair to my ears (-_-). and i've been cutting about once a month since...until i came to college...then it spread out to about every 3 months. then i realize i like long hair on other people..but it would go horribly wrong for me. i hate doing hair.





that's all for now