see, i love you and everything, but...

I hope me speaking on this isn't too weird.
But over the last few weeks, Ive been feeling myself changing. I felt myself become a liiiittle bit more self-centered. spending more time catering to myself versus catering to those around me. i started spoiling myself instead of doing things others' would like me to do. I've been spending too much of my life trying to be someone specific to everybody else & not living enough for me, that I'd actually get mad at myself for falling short of others' expectations. and vice versa - in no way should other people's inability to be who I think they should be upset me as much as it has in the past; i care, but the people i surround myself with are not mine to control. that's their life and this is mine. so lately, I started doing the things I, deep down, know I want to do but have always been too afraid to attempt in fear of my loss being greater than my reward. But I effed that. I stopped being so naïve and I started giving myself the respect I've always always always deserved - because if I don't, no one else will.

So my life no longer revolves around any of you (no offense). I do the things I want, when I want and how I want. I am not yours to regulate or control (which doesn't connote that I'm some wild rebellious whore-ish criminal, I am still a lady, but a lady with immense integrity)

The "unfortunate" part of this newfound wonderfulness (wonderful to me at least) is that I have essentially become numb. I am no longer able to care so much about how my actions affect others, because if everyone stopped doing what they wanted because someone was opposed to it, the people of the world would make no progress. I cannot be affected by your frustration, disappointment or sadness. Although I do feel bad for causing anyone anything but happiness, I'd be a fool to let it get in the way of my personal goals. Because I do have goals. Although I prefer you, know that I do not 'need' you. We are all but accessories in each others' lives and as much as we all know I looove accessories, they do not make me - they simply add to me. I found myself getting so caught up in trying to not take people for granted that I ended up taking myself for granted. I tried so hard to make people feel loved & feel special that I forgot to love myself to my fullest, bestest potential. But I'm letting you all know that that stops here.

I love you, I just love me more... ; )