Dead and Gone

uh-oh, it's lent already!
i need to think of something to give up for Lent...in the meantime,
i'm just going to get some stuff off my chest.

i'll start by saying this:
there was a period in my life where i simply wasn't ready to be happy. i was more satisfied in my state of feeling like a hopeless victim all the time. i became stuck and so used to things never working out for me that i grew to be ok with it. i learned to not get my hopes up and expect failure and disappointment. i got used to being pessimistic and seeing the worst in everything. i grew accustomed to bringing those around me down, and being afraid to try new things. it really does become a state of comfort and addiction, as backwards as that may be. and i know it sounds silly, but sometimes people either just aren't ready to be happy or simply don't want to....but, it doesn't mean they can't be.

so,
why is it so hard to say goodbye? if it is so hard, is it that we're forcing something to be..or not be, rather? like there are people in my life who i've said goodbye to and it doesnt phase me one way or the other...at all. so one can conclude that those who can leave your life without a fight aren't meant to be around forever. so those who do put up a fight, those who are harder to leave behind or to get left behind by, how do you know when it's time to say goodbye? i feel like that's a big problem in my life, especially because this topic isn't directed towards any one specific aspect of my life, but them all. i'm starting to think that knowing when to stop is a huge problem for me. but then again, maybe it's not. lol.. i used to (and still do from time to time) struggle with negativity. i used to think that was my biggest issue. but speaking from the experiences of myself and the weight of others' negativity on me - that shit can get real old, real fast. i didn't want to be that person anymore. (hence the transition from all my old emo blog entries to my "new found more positive attitude-y ones". i refuse to be brought down. so i thought this new outlook on life and different situations would help me through anything. wrong. turns out, some people are still living in the past, and when people around you live in the past, constantly pulling you back, it gets really hard to move forward - even with a more positive attitude. it's difficult to go from thinking you've made progress only to encounter THE most minuscule situation to make ALL the hard work come crumbling down. and it's that small moment of weakness that makes it so difficult to climb back up. because of course once you've succumb to the obstacle you've encountered, you can't help but feel sorry for yourself and point out, not only every other negative thing in your life, but simply anything that is not uplifting and extremely positive. basically, once you fall, it's really hard to get back up, not impossible...but at times, really really hard. so, that takes me back: how do you know when you've reached the point where you've simply fallen, and need to get back up, versus just giving up and moving on? i remember reading something along the lines of: we fall down, but God gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. just because we're down today, does not mean we must remain down tomorrow, and once you get up, your fall will become a thing of the past... so as much as this is the ideal situation, i understand it simply cannot always be the case. i mean technically, i guess it CAN, but ...it won't. So how am i supposed to know when to give up? because at this point in my life, i feel that i've done "my part" in most of my situations. i'm not going to say i've done everything i could have/ can do, but i've put myself in vulnerable positions and usually walk away fairly empty handed. or even when i do walk away with a little hope and excitement, i eventually get slapped with a drastic downfall or an extremely unexpected, disappointing situation. and i've acknowledged that i cannot fall into the same traps of giving all of myself for a relationship because that leaves me in a lose-lose situation. Basically im over trying and failing so consistently, but at the same time, my "new attitude" won't let me give up. (ironically, T.I. & Justin Timberlake's Dead and Gone Video just came on. it's the first time i've really listened to the lyrics of that song...the first verse at least..it's funny how well T.I. knows me....:) lol)

anyway. i guess something i'm concluding is that i'm going to only give time to those who give time to me. but not just anytime, because haters give you their time even if they don't realize it. i'm trying to right my wrongs. i can't ..and won't worry about the petty negative jealous people, simply needing attention, just trying to bring me down because i'm doing something with my life and not dwelling over the past. i'm over you, be over me. do it for both of us. i want people in my life who mean well. who promote happiness. because bull shit gets old quick and gets you nowhere. get right. i'm sick of the shit. get off my nuts, grow some of your own and man the fuck up. just stop. i cannot handle the negativity. i'm honestly just trying to move forward. (that was a little bit of hostility from over the years...my bad) i want to be around a crowd that motivates me when i'm strong and even when i slip, who keeps me smiling. people into trying new things, interested in helping others and making the most of our time...etcetera etcetera..

as i'm "growing" i'm just realizing the importance of the things in my life and the lack of importance of the things that aren't. everything happens for a reason. i don't wan to give up until i have no other choice. even if i have an inkling of hope, i don't want to give up...i won't. if i feel i'll regret a decision, i don't want to act. i want to create my happiness. not through material possessions or pointless obsessions, but through my acts and my attitude and the acts and attitudes of those around me.

i believe i am finally ready to be happy.
so if you would just let me...

"i turn my head to the east.
i don't see nobody by my side.
i turn my head the west,
still nobody in sight
so i turn my head to the north,
swallow that pill that they called pride.
that old me's dead and gone,
but the new me will be alright"
- T.I. ft. Justin Timberlake (Dead and Gone)