so, he was my celebrity crush.

*preface: this is not intended to be slander nor offend.

in no shape or form is this post meant to deter anyone from acceptance,

or express any kind of negative feelings about anyone.

this is simply a post describing the lesson my last relationship taught me.

and of course, it's biased. so, miss me with the judgements.

he always said "you'll either love me or you'll hate me."

well, i don't hate you ...and i don't love you.

i simply don't know you...anymore.

see, the reality is, i fell for someone i didn't really know. i thought i did, but it was the deception of being 'blinded by love.' he was my ......celebrity crush. i saw only the things i wanted to see in him, refused to believe the hype, felt like i knew sides no one else did. the actuality is, those were all ideas i planted in my own head. everyone else saw a truth (emphasis on 'a' and not 'the') - objectively - because it's not like people didn't 'warn' me (for lack of a better term) or expose me to certain truths or sides. and of course he played his own part in leading me to believe his sides..but at the end of the day, i believed what i wanted to believe. i wanted him to be perfect, after all, he was mine. but still, that should not have been an excuse, i had more than enough times/reasons/incentive to see past what i deemed 'perfection'...i wanted to be the one who accepted him, flaws and all. and it's what he wanted.. and i admit, i just wanted him to be happy.

i have always had this mentality, but i'd even call it more of a defense mechanism (..ironically) - i have a fear of being let down by people, specifically because it happens too much. again, my fault. i put people on an automatic pedestal, not for any specific reason at all beside the fact i like to believe that everyone puts forth their best in trying to be a genuinely good person. not saying people dont, but everyone has their flaws..their slip ups.

my friends now keep saying, i told you so. yeah, i know you did, but don't act like you didn't fall in love with him too...

I guess i should have just seen the signs...actually, i should have just paid attention to them.

i read a tweet the other say that said

"when someone shows you who they really are, believe them."

i should have.

i should have caught on to the fact of how dangerous [some] "people-pleasers" are to begin with. it's information i knew, but again, everyone likes to feel like their love is the exception. ....i've lost count of how many times we came back...for love. and i blame myself. i gave one million chances too many, maybe so did he - in the name of love. i was blinded to say the least. by his words (words i emphasized how much i believed...)... but actions speak louder than words. i just really wasn't trying to hear it.

anyway, i say all of this to say: i don't hate him. i am not sad. i am instead so incredibly grateful. and i can't ever deny that i cared. what we had was inexplicable. i just recognize that

this love is a lesson learned.

next time, i won't be so naive.

he said he feels no man will ever be as good as i truly deserve.

i appreciate that, but i think he's wrong :)