the first love, after your first love, is the the most terrifying of them all.

Jan, 21

i started this blog two years ago. the purpose? to track my mental and emotional development during, what i felt, was the most trying time in my young adult life: college. sigh.

now here i am, a senior; my, how i've changed.

i just read through my previous posts thinking "what was i even talking about? why did i care so much?" But, if there's two trends i've noticed, it's that i used to be a regular, teen-aged, drama queen (i'm slightly embarrassed. ...slightly), and i still prefer the look of lowercase letters.

with that said, i can't wait for the day when i'm married, with kids, and i wander back across this blog. I'll probably show it to my daughter when she experiences her first heartbreak, because if there's one thing i've learned from the blogsphere, it's that you are not unique in what you feel. anywho, the rest of this life of mine should be mighty exhilarating. I'M EXCITED!

love seems to hate us

in case you, skipped over that part, this was written by Bob Marley.
i enjoy cute quotables, but especially this one because it was written by a man. a deeply-rooted, thought-provoked, spiritually-enlightened, highly-regarded man. AND he's Black.

i was going to send this to a 'friend' of mine before we agreed to go our separate ways, so i said i'd post it, and, applicable or not, what better time than now, i suppose...

whatever, one day love will love me back. in the meantime, i'll be making sure i'm ready for that moment.

misses nice girl

my reality: "you are who you are, and not what you've done."

i'll admit, i let my guard down and ventured into a dangerous area with my heart unprotected, not knowing where the outcome may lead us...me...

later, i realized, i'll keep giving people the chance to prove me wrong until i die. i have too much faith in people and 'the greater good' of life, to ever give up on those i truly believe in. i have a hard time believing that not every person is a creature of God, or serves a direct purpose in helping us grow and mold us, and thus deserves to be forgiven - always.

but i'm thinking i'll stop believing that now.

not everyone and everything can be forgiven. not every mistake can go overlooked. now is the time for me to let go of and no longer resort to the memories that i hold onto, reminding me of the good times and allowing me to overlook the bad. now is the time for me to actually voice the damage people have caused me instead of brushing it off with a "don't worry about it." now is the time that i have to really express how i truly feel instead of putting up a facade to make us feel better about the mistakes we made and now, try owning up to them. next time, emotions will not mentally paralyze me and cause me to expect different results from the same actions.

i have to stop lying to myself and others for the sake of either of our feelings or egos. i need to be real. for me, love always equated to comfort - both romantic love & plutonic. but now i'm realizing love (at least, the love i pray for) is supposed to get me out of my seat, 'wow' me, and lead me to discover all of the wonders of life i had no idea existed. i'll never experience that if i continue to lie in the comfort of my past. i'm constantly growing and evolving, and no one will truly know me the way they should unless they're growing and evolving with me.

so i don't feel like i'm missing out on something i once had. it was an experience in which i gave my all. they say not all fairy tales have happy endings, but actually, they do. and if it's not a happy ending, then it's not over - with that said, every main character is still entitled to at least one trial & error.

all wounds have scars, and you can't rush the healing, so i'll just stop pretending.

say something

this shit was all i knew - you and me only.

and i did it all for you, still you were lonely.

we could've worked it out...

but i guess things change.

it's funny how someone else's success brings pain.

when you're no longer involved, that person has it all,

and you just stuck standin there...

but,

i'm gon' need you to say something, baby.

reflecting..

*sings* "my whole life has changeeeeed..." (boys ii men)

last night i had a conversation about what it is/was in my life that makes me, me.

i came up with two things.

1. going to an all girls, private school

2. my last big relationship

when i told my friend that, he replied, that's crazy that a guy changed you that much. but that's less so the case than it may seem.

first off, going to an all girls school made me the confident, comfortable and outgoing person that i am. i used to be really shy and kept to myself. i used to not listen to music or watch tv - i don't really know what i did, but going to that school really got me out of my shell. not only did i become comfortable with myself as a young woman, but i developed a sense of courage and assertiveness, not afraid to speak my mind and let myself be heard. i'm a fairly likable person, unless i have or had something you want (usually, a dude...a lot of my female conflicts come from someone not liking me over a dude...it be like that though.)..i have a lot of friends and i'm always up for an adventure and making memories, something my school definitely instilled in me since grade 7. Also in going to an all girls school i became more comfortable around dudes and had a lot of guy friends outside of school, which i think also contributes the reason i enjoy male friendships (because for at least 7 hours a day i was surrounded by females). side note - because i was surrounded by so many females all the time, it became really easy for me to spot characteristics in females that i could tell i wouldn't like or that wouldn't mesh well with my lifestyle. it became a little harder for me to trust and invest in female friendships outside of those i went to school with, because i learned to read females fairly well....i've got my close ones in my pocket. they're really all i need.

secondly, my last big relationship was life changing not because the particular dude had that effect on me, but more so because i changed who i was for him...for over three years. it was crazy because i heard that from my friends all throughout our relationship, but i never realized how much until i stepped out and took a look. not gonna lie, it was mainly the underlying but very consistent insecurities he was faced with (among other things, but that's just the most prevalent issue). In an effort to make him as comfortable with me as possible, i held out on being who i truly was and doing the things i naturally felt comfortable doing -- sidenote: this is not to say that i felt like he kept me from partying when i wanted to, or that i wanted to be with other people while we were together, but at a point in time, my friendships made him uncomfortable, and for what i thought was love, i gave them up. or even how much i missed out on enjoying my first two years of college, which i compromised by flying home often or staying in to be on the phone - often of which our conversations left me in tears. i don't think it was worth it. but as i told my friend last night, i felt like i was [voluntarily] acting as a crutch to make sure all of his needs were met to the best of my ability with the resources i had, and for that i wasn't being true to myself. i was weaker for being with him, and now i feel like i can finally be the me that i've been needing to be. i've grown up more in the last few months since we've broken up than i did our entire relationship. i've experienced more, i'm able to say i'll never wonder 'what if...' the relationship is not something i regret, i doubt i ever will (however, i do wish it had not fought for it as hard as i did for as long as i did, only because i realize how blinded i was, thuusss, the only way i would've really been able to step back is if something fairly monumental happened between us..which it did. and that's that.)

this 'new' life is the life i needed to live, and in knowing that, i'm not one to move backwards. it's onward and up from here on out.

it was a wonderful experience i can honestly say i'll never forget, and i plan on telling the stories of it to my daughter when she gets her first heartbreak,

but it's definitely not something i plan to dwell on, let haunt me, or carry into other aspects of my life.

"everything happens for a reason" ...and i stand by that.

unforgettable

"i bet you think this song is about you, don't you..."

something that's always been a pet peeve of mine is people assuming they know what's going on with me, how i feel, or who i'm talking about when i say certain things - rest assured, no body knows what's going on in this world of mine except the people/person i'm dealing with.

BUT for some reason there is this stigma that i'm stuck in the past, holding on to things i had with people - friends or exes.
but i've never felt so emotionally detached from people who are no longer in my life for whatever reasons.

all i can see them for is being the reasons i learned a few life lessons. and i can't hate or still care for them the same way because i NEEDED them to f*ck me over in order for me to realize the reality of the situations and finally just let them go - these people were stepping stones.

so i thank them, pray for them, and i'm over it. but the misconception comes in the fact that, genuinely, i am over it. so while some people who i've had falling outs with still feel like they there's a mutual dislike, all the emotions - good and bad - that i once associated with certain folks, are gone. and they're simply people again - not necessarily a friend, not necessarily an enemy. thus, it's easier for me to overlook the past, not have any hostility or bitterness, and talk to them like i would any other person. BUT PLEASE BELIEVE, just because i can talk to you, does not mean i wish to continue where we left off.....

sometimes they're not ready for it though, but the way i see it, there's only one way to find out.
so, i'm a fan of 'trying'...

*this is a rambling post of emotions i had to get off my chest, so it may not make much sense, but that's ok.*

the realest sh*t ever:

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.

And the minute you stop making excuses for him,

he will completely disappear from your life."

under yourself

i really want to yell 'get over yourself!' ...but it's really the opposite problem that they have.

i've noticed i've dated the most top notch of insecure people. the craziest thing is, they're never as insecure as they seem until you get to know them. what's even crazier is that the lack of insecurity they seem to possess is what's attracted me to them in the first place --- and boy, am i always in for a surprise.

i blame myself though.

when i find myself involved with insecure males, i feel sorry for them - not in the mean way, genuinely, i feel bad. and i go out of my way...even if it means lying, to make them feel better about themselves. nothing is worse than a man who constantly plays the victim or is never sure of himself, always comparing or never confident. cue me, and i'm showering him with compliments and 'i love you's right and left.

i stroke the ego like nobody's business.

often times i get caught up in the role and i give into the babying that these dudes require. yes, require. and when i sit back and reflect on what i did...i couldn't be more ashamed. oh, but it gets worse. so let's say, for whatever reason, these relationships don't work out, now i have this dude sitting there thinking he means more to me than he actually does. and nothing's worse than a guy who thinks youre completely head over heels for him when you're not.

but on the plus side, i realized this whole making the guy feel like he's the most specialist thing in the world to you, is the key to playing the game. everyone just wants to feel loved like they're the only one. and as long as you're giving them that, nothing else is questioned.......

i, on the other hand, don't require ego stroking or constant compliments, praise and the such from my romantic partner. i know who and what i am, i don't need someone else to reassure me that i'm a rad individual. thus, i sought a person who can say the same about themselves. and honestly, it's the most rewarding thing in a romantic partner. the sexiest & most appealing thing too. i'm not looking for someone who has all the answers to life, or someone who is at the peak of their success, i admire a man in route to becoming the man he wants to be.

security shouldn't be associated with a stage of life, it should be a personality trait you always possess.

be who you are. be confident in and proud of it.

if you're not proud of yourself, don't expect others to convince you to be. it's tiring and boring. and you're just being selfish and annoying for requiring it. that is all.

mean girls

for the record - females do not choose to not have other female friends.

having gone to an all-girls school for seven years of my life, in addition to being a female myself, i consider myself fairly knowledgeable about the subject of how girls work. Lately i've noticed quite a few girls claiming to not have female friends because they've chosen to live that way. no. even the most masculine of girls will have a group of dedicated female friends that will have their back no matter what - if they don't, see it as a red flag.

if a woman, especially at this 'young adult' age, doesnt have a solid group of female friends, i would advise you to see it as a flaw in the lady herself. most females who claim to not have friends because they don't support someone's lifestyle, or they don't like the way their friends behave or claim to simply 'not like girls' ...it's usually because their core friends rejected them at some point in life, and in actuality, it's the group of friends who don't support the lifestyle of the one girl -- normally, she's just an untrustworthy individual. now i'm sure many people feel that groups of female friends are just drama in themselves, but girls are intuitive and don't hesitate to act (often times, not verbally) if someone is no longer on their good side.

as a guy, think of it like this, what are your girls priorities? is it you? because friends always come first in a girls life who has a set of genuine friends.

i have fallen into the trap of befriending those who are often ostracized and isolated (more often than not, it's because i'm asked to do so). however, it doesn't take long to realize why certain people don't have many friends in the first place. you can't hold these people completely responsible for their actions though, more often than not, it's deeper than the fact that they lie a few times or didn't come through here or there. People who don't have a core group of friends are usually to self-indulged to provide the mutual caring of one another that friendship entails. Friends are not perfect, don't expect them to be, but anyone who says fuck a real friendship has some type of internal, often unstable and/or insecurity issue.

how a person treats their friends says a loooot about them. so take note.

i always joke about saying i don't have any female friends, but the reality is, i do. they're just off making something of themselves and we just so happen to be spread out all over the country. but at the end of the day, i have a core group of best friends who will have my back no matter what. and honestly, that's one of the most priceless and amazing blessings God has given me. I wouldn't be half the person i am today without the women i've had by my side throughout the last 10+ years....and i know half the heartless females in this world wouldn't be so bitchy if they had friends they could turn to, and support them.

bros before hoes. trust me, it's almost never worth it.

maybe we could hold hands...

*sigh*

i'm laying here listening to all this lovey, emotional music thinking about someone - just one person. i told myself i wouldn't catch feelings anytime soon, especially like this.

man, i enjoy[ed] being single. but if i'm being real with myself, it was inevitable...ever since that letter. but, he is The Truth, and he is so real, and i love the way that he makes me feel.

"how many ways can i tell you that i love you and i need you in my life? ..you got me rushin home through traffic at night just to hold you tight. so, listen babe, i could never forget your love. it's me and you, my wish came true and you're everything that i dreamed of. i wanna kiss you, want you close when i miss you, wanna rap you in these arms. i'm so glad that i'm the one that keeps your body warm at night..."

-In The Morning; Tank

we dont love these ohhs..

"i don't love em. i don't chase em, i duck em." - wiz. #preach my beautiful, talented, amazing brotha.

for some strange reason, i'm noticing that just about every guy seems to think that all girls want to hear is that you love em.
i'm not sure how that philosophy came about, but...uhh...i don't think so.

"no, i really do love you."

that shit is high key scary, intimidating, a bit creepy at times.

lately i've noticed, [and this may just be the clingy dudes that i attract from time to time] that dudes seem to be the ones that fall hard for the ladies these days ...and so suddenly. it's looking like guys are looking for commitment nowadays more than most females. but i think that's always been the case. most dudes like having a safety (girl at home) to make them feel special/loved/wanted/significant/like they claim-their-girl-for-no-one-else-to-have, but still they like to roam, flirt and have fun in the meantime and in between time. well, i aint mad atcha. i guess.

*sidenote:but if you've got a girl who know's you've got alternative motives and still fuckswitcha, why work extra hard to convince her it's something it's not when it is? that's something that i never got.

i, on the other hand, have catching up to do. i've been 'committed' [more or less..but definitely more] my whole dating life. and for one reason or another things didn't work out, however they all had a similar pattern. all these dudes said they 'love'd me...

clearly love simply translates into 'i like you significantly more than these other hoes..'

unfortunately, now i just simply don't believe in the words 'i love you' ...at least not like i used to. i used to feel like those words would solve any problem, explain any emotion, disregard any actions - but they don't. they're just words.

love to me is no longer something you speak, it's something you show. now don't get me wrong, i don't discredit love. you can definitely love someone but still fuck up here and there, however, 2 days after our first date, you're telling me you love me? i mean.....let us be real now; i'm cool, but not that cool.

so don't tell me you love me anymore just because you think that will make me yours. feel special in any kind of way. make me want to be with you. make me feel like you actually care. because God forbid i actually believe you, end up falling for you, and have you pull some dumb, unforgivable shit. i'd rather let us slowly progress and if love comes it comes, if it doesn't, we had fun...

*thumbs up*

not to mention: we don't love deez hoes.

Living & Loving Out Loud

Book Recommendation: Living and Loving Out Loud by brother Cornel West.

this book came out in late 2009, october-ish i believe, so it's nothing new, however, my recommendation isnt that random. he speaks a lot about finding ones self. many could use the inspiration & wise words.

he calls himself a "bluesman in the life of the mind, and a jazzman in the world of ideas."

honestly, this man speaks volumes i wish i could expose to my entire generation.

but i'll start with those who read my blog...

this is an excerpt from his book:

"But what does it mean to be a bluesman in the life of the mind? Like my fellow musicians, I've got to forge a unique style and voice that expresses my own quest for truth and love. That means following the quest wherever it leads and bearing whatever cost is required. I must break through isolated academic frameworks while, at the same time, I must build on the best of academic knowledge. I must fuel the fire of my soul so my intellectual blues can set others on fire. And most importantly, I must be a free spirit. I must unapologetically reveal my broken life as a thing of beauty.

I try to give heart to intellect by being true to the funk of living. For me, this can only be seen through the lens of the cross and realized in the light of love. This is the reason that I greet each person struggling through time and space in search of love and meaning before they die as brother or sister no matter what their color. I affirm them as brother or sister to acknowledge their human struggle and suffering. It's not simply a greeting that Christians reserve for other Christians, or even an acknowledgement reserved for and between black people. Both are too narrow.

In a dark world, this means making pain and sorrow my constant companions as I engage in an endless quest for healing and serving others. If I can touch one person — you, holding this book right now — to examine the funk and the capacity to love in your own life so that you become more truly you at your best, then I will not have labored in vain."

another thing (or 2) he's said in an interview that has stuck out to me --

" You can't have a high-quality relationship without time and without trust. Now, I'm pretty good on the trust, but my time is always so tight because I'm on the move all the time. It is very difficult to sustain a high-quality relationship that has the kind of mutual intensity, that has a kind of mutual respect, without putting in time.

Now, of course, I could have said that the other way. The men also require inordinate attention in terms of a high-quality relationship because the standards apply to brothers as well as sisters, sisters as well as brothers of all colors, all cultures, all civilization."

and

"Yeah, you got to keep moving. That's the difficulty, though, brother, because, you know, sooner or later you do get tired. You know, we're all vanishing organisms and disappearing creatures in space and time - that death sentence in space in time that Kafka talked about with such profundity. And so the question becomes, what you do in the meantime? And you go - if you're forever on the move, especially in the life of the mind; forever reading veraciously, writing, speaking, lecturing, trying to unsettle minds, trying to touch souls, trying to encourage and inspire, on the one hand, but also trying to unhouse(ph) and unnerve people, so that they have to reexamine themselves, society and the world on the others. There's tremendous joy in it."

Interview: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=114287606

brilliant, brilliant man. i wonder how many young men look up to him...or even know what he's all about...

#dead

i have this fear of regret. more so regretting losing someone who i know has or can change my life for the better. having them hate me when the feeling isn't mutual (which would have to be always, because i don't hate anyone). seems like the worse thing ever.

but this 'fear' of regret keeps me on my toes. making sure i do right by others. making sure my intentions aren't ill.

*unrelated, but kind of*

i often wonder about people...

like, how they're living, if they're really as happy as they make themselves out to be or if they're living their lives convincing themselves that everything is so perfect & just how they want it to be, so no one can ever say 'i told you so.' it's one thing to love yourself unconditionally, but when loving yourself so much you are numb to other peoples' emotions, it's a-whole-nother level of pride. narcissism.

narcissist can't believe in regret.

honestly, people like that scare me. not because i'm scared of them literally, but because, to me, that's like one step below evil. maybe it's just because i'm such an empathetic person (not to be mistaken for 'pathetic'). but i want those around me to be happy as well as myself. but the ones who will step over you or will stab you in the back to get to "the top" are the ones you have to look out for. they're the kind of people that make you regret ever trusting and make it difficult to ever want to trust again. people so consumed in themselves that they're willing to hurt those they 'love.' ...then they end up being unloved by so many - yet theyre still happy? really?

well,

the only people left to be loved by, are the ones who don't actually care about you, but just use you to make themselves happy.......

i mean, they're the kind of people who won't even recycle, so you know they don't care about other people.

think about the things they say to you about their 'friends' or how easily they lose friends. consider their past. consider their words. consider how easy it is for them to be fake. how could you ever trust or rely on someone who's willing to do wrong by so many?

maybe it's just me. maybe i just have a conscience.

regardless, i don't regret caring about others.

so what if it hurts me, at times. i'm positive the reward will outweigh the costs.

what's the point of trying to get somewhere if you lose the respect and love of so many along the way? at least i have support...respect...emotions....shit, call me a HUMANitarian.

#iCare.

it's possibly the fact that i'm having a simpin' moment[day/week/month..year], buuuut...

AlbumsThatNeverGetOld - Lessons In Love; Lloyd

"...i've been knowin you about forever. i was wonderin if we got together, it just might be the truth - perfect for me and you. now look it here, i've got something for you to hold. and i don't care who may see or who may know. cuz i want you so bad and girl you know i'm a G, so i aint takin no for an answer, cuz i would like to see if we could kiss a little bit, hug a little bit, touch a little bit, maybe rub a little bit. i'm the man of your dreams, you should know what i mean...baby can't you see i'll treat you goooood.

this really is the year of the lover.........is it wrong that i feel like this? is it bad to have you here? for you i have much respect, don't want you to regret stepping out behind your dude, even though you know it's the right move, even though you know it's an upgrade, even though you know you want to stay....." - [Treat U Good]

"...i know what your used to, and i can show you something that's better. see girl i know he used to abuse you, he only used to get on my level. i can change your life, if you let me, i can do it, i know just what you need. i can change your life. i can make you happy girl, if you let me. i'll make your puzzle complete - i can change your life."

- [I Can Change Your Life]

"...i know i've found a winner - i hope you're ready to run your victory lap. this is the year of the lover. let's make a baby. let's do something crazy. let's reach out and love one another." -[Year Of The Lover]

this really is a year of love.

loverrrs

"this one's for my baby though,

witcho sexy ass. shit, i'm still looking at them pictures that you text me last. that's the effect she has...i promise you, the sex we has, it damn sure doesn't need a pill - when they off of x, we pass. she make it bounce, just like when bad checks be cashed.
her coke bottle shape will make you give up Pepsi fast....."

call him Mr. Upgrade...

'...or Mr. Front Page, or Mr. Fast Lane - No Front Brakes ..'cuz she gone.'

a lot of the people around me are having these epiphanies that their relationships are proof of them settling. Being with someone based solely off of appearance or convenience, or because they liked you first. personally, i feel that's all wrong. to me, true, long-lasting happiness in a relationship has to be based on way more than looks or ease. that's a first class ticket to getting 'comfortable' if you ask me. pretty soon, once the looks fade and what was once exciting and spontaneous becomes ordinary, you have virtually nothing left.

my new years resolution to myself was to stop being the person in a relationship pushing my partner to be better, because, not to toot my own horn, but i'm a challenger for someone to do and be better, and after a while, i just want to be inspired too. you can't force someone to be something if they don't do shit themselves. talking about your goals is only interesting for so long... so instead of settling for a project, i'm interested in a prize. and i'd like to make my partner feel the same about me. to me, it's about respect, and who can you respect more than someone that's doing something with their life?...like, actually making moves instead of talking a bunch of game. i like looking up to him and thinking inside, "damn, thats a Man in every sense of the word." so if you're going to speak to me about it, my advice would always be, in a relationship, aspire to be with someone who challenges you, not someone who will fill the spot for the now and hope/try to make someone something theyre not in the future. ...and if your'e going to leave someone to be with someone else... at least upgrade to someone that's doing something...someone that will take you places - literally and figuratively :)

"...and thats how i live, and i wont change for the world, make your man feel like you gonna need a chain for your girl. says she been searchin around for some change in the world, i'm doin sh*t that you not, so im lookin like Barack to her...."

Take Yo Bitch; Wiz Khalifa

loveeeeeeee!

sometimes i just want to scream that shit.

the first sign of really being over someone?

genuinely wishing they are happy in whatever it is theyre doing/what life brings them.

and that wishing should have nothing to do with the level of happiness or contentment in your life.

that's cheating.

wait for you

I know you're trying to get around me, baby.

I know you've got me in your heart, baby.

I know that you could love me

If you only had a guarantee..

When I look at your face it's so empty

I know I could fill you with love, baby

Your soul is crying for me

Can't deny our energy

right now it's feeling just like a movie...