#dead

i have this fear of regret. more so regretting losing someone who i know has or can change my life for the better. having them hate me when the feeling isn't mutual (which would have to be always, because i don't hate anyone). seems like the worse thing ever.

but this 'fear' of regret keeps me on my toes. making sure i do right by others. making sure my intentions aren't ill.

*unrelated, but kind of*

i often wonder about people...

like, how they're living, if they're really as happy as they make themselves out to be or if they're living their lives convincing themselves that everything is so perfect & just how they want it to be, so no one can ever say 'i told you so.' it's one thing to love yourself unconditionally, but when loving yourself so much you are numb to other peoples' emotions, it's a-whole-nother level of pride. narcissism.

narcissist can't believe in regret.

honestly, people like that scare me. not because i'm scared of them literally, but because, to me, that's like one step below evil. maybe it's just because i'm such an empathetic person (not to be mistaken for 'pathetic'). but i want those around me to be happy as well as myself. but the ones who will step over you or will stab you in the back to get to "the top" are the ones you have to look out for. they're the kind of people that make you regret ever trusting and make it difficult to ever want to trust again. people so consumed in themselves that they're willing to hurt those they 'love.' ...then they end up being unloved by so many - yet theyre still happy? really?

well,

the only people left to be loved by, are the ones who don't actually care about you, but just use you to make themselves happy.......

i mean, they're the kind of people who won't even recycle, so you know they don't care about other people.

think about the things they say to you about their 'friends' or how easily they lose friends. consider their past. consider their words. consider how easy it is for them to be fake. how could you ever trust or rely on someone who's willing to do wrong by so many?

maybe it's just me. maybe i just have a conscience.

regardless, i don't regret caring about others.

so what if it hurts me, at times. i'm positive the reward will outweigh the costs.

what's the point of trying to get somewhere if you lose the respect and love of so many along the way? at least i have support...respect...emotions....shit, call me a HUMANitarian.

#iCare.