last night i had a conversation about what it is/was in my life that makes me, me.
i came up with two things.
1. going to an all girls, private school
2. my last big relationship
when i told my friend that, he replied, that's crazy that a guy changed you that much. but that's less so the case than it may seem.
first off, going to an all girls school made me the confident, comfortable and outgoing person that i am. i used to be really shy and kept to myself. i used to not listen to music or watch tv - i don't really know what i did, but going to that school really got me out of my shell. not only did i become comfortable with myself as a young woman, but i developed a sense of courage and assertiveness, not afraid to speak my mind and let myself be heard. i'm a fairly likable person, unless i have or had something you want (usually, a dude...a lot of my female conflicts come from someone not liking me over a dude...it be like that though.)..i have a lot of friends and i'm always up for an adventure and making memories, something my school definitely instilled in me since grade 7. Also in going to an all girls school i became more comfortable around dudes and had a lot of guy friends outside of school, which i think also contributes the reason i enjoy male friendships (because for at least 7 hours a day i was surrounded by females). side note - because i was surrounded by so many females all the time, it became really easy for me to spot characteristics in females that i could tell i wouldn't like or that wouldn't mesh well with my lifestyle. it became a little harder for me to trust and invest in female friendships outside of those i went to school with, because i learned to read females fairly well....i've got my close ones in my pocket. they're really all i need.
secondly, my last big relationship was life changing not because the particular dude had that effect on me, but more so because i changed who i was for him...for over three years. it was crazy because i heard that from my friends all throughout our relationship, but i never realized how much until i stepped out and took a look. not gonna lie, it was mainly the underlying but very consistent insecurities he was faced with (among other things, but that's just the most prevalent issue). In an effort to make him as comfortable with me as possible, i held out on being who i truly was and doing the things i naturally felt comfortable doing -- sidenote: this is not to say that i felt like he kept me from partying when i wanted to, or that i wanted to be with other people while we were together, but at a point in time, my friendships made him uncomfortable, and for what i thought was love, i gave them up. or even how much i missed out on enjoying my first two years of college, which i compromised by flying home often or staying in to be on the phone - often of which our conversations left me in tears. i don't think it was worth it. but as i told my friend last night, i felt like i was [voluntarily] acting as a crutch to make sure all of his needs were met to the best of my ability with the resources i had, and for that i wasn't being true to myself. i was weaker for being with him, and now i feel like i can finally be the me that i've been needing to be. i've grown up more in the last few months since we've broken up than i did our entire relationship. i've experienced more, i'm able to say i'll never wonder 'what if...' the relationship is not something i regret, i doubt i ever will (however, i do wish it had not fought for it as hard as i did for as long as i did, only because i realize how blinded i was, thuusss, the only way i would've really been able to step back is if something fairly monumental happened between us..which it did. and that's that.)
this 'new' life is the life i needed to live, and in knowing that, i'm not one to move backwards. it's onward and up from here on out.
it was a wonderful experience i can honestly say i'll never forget, and i plan on telling the stories of it to my daughter when she gets her first heartbreak,
but it's definitely not something i plan to dwell on, let haunt me, or carry into other aspects of my life.
"everything happens for a reason" ...and i stand by that.
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