i love anthony hamilton's voice.

i have a test i should be studying for, but my mind is in too many different places to even venture to "focusandstudy land." for some reason my palms are sweating and i don't think it has to do with the 93 degree weather; maybe i'm nervous?

...riiiight...

so yesterday it was 95 degrees and a friend and i went to go get some jamba juice. on the way we're listening to trey songz. we're both big fans. the song is Missing You. i'm sure we're all familiar with that one. listening to it made me think of a specific conversation from my last relationship - it all sounded too familiar, but as off as it is, it made me smile, (cuz guys can be so silly) but i didnt want my friend to see that smile, awkward...so i start to tweet (judge me). lol so towards the end of the song i started thinking of the concept of different types of "love" and my topic from a few posts ago about why relationships may not always be successful. sometimes people will really really love each other, but they will love each other in different ways and after a while of being together, that shines through in certain actions, the things we say and the way we say it and people grow apart.

I'm not familiar with all the different types of love. i know the love that ive experienced but in all honesty, it's kind of inexplicable. because being in love is a crazy ass thing. to me, it's like your world flips upside down. everything you thought you understood, you get to see in a-whole-nother light. you don't want to be, for lack of a better term, "obsessed" with someone who's not yourself. but you will be. and most of the things you said you'd never do, you do. and everything that happens to you, no matter how minuscule, you'll want to tell them. and when someone says something funny, you wish they were with you to hear it just so you can laugh together. and when a song comes on that you both groove to, you wish they were there to dance with you. you may want to kiss them every idle second of the day. you may call just to say i love you because you never want them to forget...
the part of being in love that is the scariest, to me, is the time when you first start transitioning from loving to being in love. it's like you have no control, and everything happens so fast, and after a few months you don't even know what happened or how you ended here, talking about "when we live together..." and "at our wedding..." like what!? how did i go from not knowing who you are....shit, not wanting to know who you are, to you now knowing every member of my family to the point that you can hang out without me even being there...(and vice versa!) and wishing you were small enough to put in my pocket so you'd always be by my side, planning vacations. what? you want to marry me?...what!? now i want to marry you too!? lol. love is a mother fucker. but the real worst part of love is the getting hurt. i kind of feel that even though "being in love is the safest place to be" it's also the most terrifying. because being in love means you're completely vulnerable. there's no way you can feel that strongly and not be affected by someones actions or words or even thoughts. but no one wants to feel jealous or insecure or angry, so we try to protect ourselves. that's when the slopes start to differ and a basic mutual love becomes two separate things. some choose to not acknowledge the feelings they have and subconsciously tell themselves that their partner doesnt have that control over them (i think that was me back in the day). some people have a love where they never want to give up no matter how many times they argue (like Ne-Yo's Mad). some people want to give up because they argue over too many little things and it's annoying because "love shouldnt be this hard and we should be happy." some people love others but just can't commit - through no fault of their own, they didn't ask to find The One so early in life. meanwhile, some people are content with having only been with one person and spending the rest of their life with them, more power to you young couples out there. Some people love in a sense that they just want to serve their partner and be the ultimate source of happiness in their life. provide them with unconditional love and care and cuddling...and gifts. some people love in a way that they just enjoy someones company more than others and they acknowledge that "you are special and like no other, but it just may not be right..the whole 'us' thing."

so i feel the couples that make it last, all the jada and wills and michelles and baracks out there. they know the secret. with love, to prevent all the heart break, as backwards as it may seem, you have to take that jump. it's a leap of faith. because once you start to put up your guard for protection - ironically people get hurt - intentionally or not. if there's no guard, you're sharing a basic, mutual, unconditional love. that's it, guards call for conditions. they make love a situational emotion and that shouldnt be the case (or if it is, that's cool...as long as that feeling is mutual). to love is to love. period. for me, you love me flaws and all. you love me even when you can't stand me and you know it. because i can make you smile so big, even when you're pissed at the world, me included. because a simple kiss, blows your mind more than anything you've felt with anyone else. because even when you look like...not your best, i'll still be seen with you in public (because my looks will compensate for that). because i like to take pictures and you like to be in them. because when you talk about love, you'll think of me. because i hate most of the foods you like and you hate most of the foods i like, so we never have to worry about our food going missing in our split fridge. because i like hugs and you like hugs and even if you're a germ-a-phobe (lol) you'll still kiss me when i'm sick. because you're a guy who likes to help out around the house! because you sing to me. because you let me color. because we can dance in the streets in the middle of the day and just be. because we just want to say fuck the world- its about you and me, only.

"so you gotta take the good the bad, happy and the sad
but when you bring a better future than i had in the past
cause i dont want to make the same mistakes again
don't want to fall back on my face again.
i'll admit it, i was scared to answer loves call,
but if it hits better make it worth the fall..."
- Knock You Down, Keri Hilson ft. NeYo & Kanye

with love you can't be too scared to try - it's more so about risks and trials and tribulations than anything else. so my advice, which means nothing to mostly everyone, is if you're going to love, love to the best of your ability, give it your all and don't be afraid to fail. they always say 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' so do that. let love find you. experience love. it's going to be scary, definitely. but with every encounter, you should be able to walk away saying you honestly gave it your best...





this may not make sense to all, but that's ok, cuz it's a blog - just a series of thoughts and revelations..