and i agree...being hurt is a vicious cycle that is a result of people not properly dealing with their emotions - anger, sadness, frustration...brokenheartedness. and once you've experienced being hurt by someone you love, trust, cared for, your world gets shaken up. and your vision becomes clear from what was once a sight blurred or blinded by emotion. NOW we realize that there are people out there who, no matter how nice, funny, friendly, attractive, happy, or positive they may seem, they are capable of taking advantage of you. and this makes it harder for you to trust..anyone.
the sticky thing about this is that at first you may not realize and you'll forgive and "move past it" and start to date other people, but getting rid of the knife who cut you, doesnt make the scars go away. so now you're stuck in a situation where you're subconsciously taking your resentment out on someone who is [so far] undeserving of it. or even if not directly being hostile, your inability to let yourself trust or fall for someone else causes a void. and you find yourself holding back because 'the one who loves the least controls the relationship' and you know that if you don't give your all, your chances of getting hurt are slim to none. you're mentally prepared for the worst. but you don't realize that that now means you're left to be the one doing all the hurting. whether its something as small as not giving someone deserving of good love a chance (been there) or you start to be the one who is playing the games (done that)...its a cycle that just repeats, and its unfortunate.
and me? i pull back because i know, subconsciously, i'm still a "hurt person" although i can honestly say i've forgiven him, and You have done nothing but right by me, i won't be good to or for You because i'm not yet capable of honestly giving my all to anyone in a way that a relationship may demand. Because as a hurt person, you realize that your mindset has become one that is 'prepared for the worst,' which in itself is synonymous with one's inability to trust.
but this isn't all about me. because i know You have been hurt too. and You are still hurting. You wonder why i may be hesitant to commit? because hurt people hurt people...and whether its using someone as a rebound or hurting someone the same way you've been hurt...you're not ready to be in a relationship either. i'm afraid to trust you because you've been hurt. i'm afraid to trust myself because i've been hurt.
so i just ask that you accept that i'm not ready to be what You need. not yet. it is going to take time. i'm still scarred..it doesnt help that i was stabbed in the back multiple times either. but things have a way of working themselves out because we both deserve to be happy. perhaps i'll come around and you'll still be here. maybe you wont. regardless, i refuse to be someone who perpetuates the cycle. i know what it's like on the receiving in and i'm strong enough to not let my resentment get the best of me and turn me into someone elses 'bad guy.' just give me time.
"...we can still touch the sky if we crawl til we can walk again,
then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump,
then we'll flyyy until there is no end...
so let's crawl, crawl, crawl...."
then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump,
then we'll flyyy until there is no end...
so let's crawl, crawl, crawl...."
