for every win, someone must fail

...but there comes a point when, when we exhale.


dude,
i've been trippin. i've been hibernating in this cave of self pity and not even realizing it lol. c'mon now, i'm better than that. i've been spending the last few weeks feeling subconsciously sorry for myself, wondering why my past months have been filled with such pain and stress and tears and trying to understand what i did to deserve it. feeling a bit victimized and used and walked over, wishing things never happened....well let me be the first to say, i'm done with that - that's more draining than moving forward. and i appreciate my friends for helping me realize it :)

out of all the misfortune that was cast my way, so many better things have come from it - be it experiences, new people, thoughts..i've grown. i am stronger now than ever. i'm [almost] angry at myself for thinking, even for a second, that i'd let a few trip ups have the weight to knock me down...and keep me down?! no dude, that's not how i roll. i will not let someone else's mistake take precedence over my ability to trust, or love or respect again. if anything, i will just love better, respect harder, and invest trust in those who actually deserve it instead . I am thankful for the situations i've endured - both with friends and ones i've loved, because ultimately, i still made it out on top ( like the champion that i am!). yes, i am a little bruised and scratched up from my fall, but those too will fade with time. because see, i cannot change what has come of the past, but i can change what i make of my future.

my mistake? i was completely misreading my signs. i felt that because i couldnt attach to others like i used to, that i was cold, and selfish - but i am just being more careful of who i trust. i took my lack of wanting to talk to people or open up, as an emotional shut down - but i've just become less reliant on others for comfort. i took my want to spend more time alone, as me being distant and angry - but in fact, i just take more joy in self reflection and self-fulfillment. i am actually not shattered, i just have my shit SO together. :D

now as history would show, i found myself in a situation where i was completely taken advantage of by someone i really trusted, and as much as that hurt, it took me time to realize that it doesnt take away from the memories we share, or the many firsts we experienced together, or the jokes we have that will never get old, our the countless things in this beautiful world of ours that remind us of all the endless good times we have. he was too bomb! being in love is an experience i wouldn't trade for anything in the world. it's amazing. it would be a shame for me to cut off any possibilities of feeling that again with anyone becuase of a few obstacles. i am still a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan for me - i wouldn't be faced with anything i couldn't handle. i have moved forward from this experience with a CLEARER outlook on life, not necessarily better or worse, but i understand it. and i have a more realistic expectation, but with my optimism that i can't help but let shine through, i'm more than positive i'll be just fine.
and obviously, things will not always happen the way i would like them to, no matter how good of a person i am, or how hard i love somebody, shit happens. and i'll admit, before, i was too naive to realize that. i tried to find explanations to figure out why i ended up getting the treatment i did, but the reality is that there is no explanation. it happened. the reason? so we could grow, either individually or collectively, we are wiser and stronger and better equipped for life. -- and the same applies to all my friendships gone awry. i do not understand all the mistakes i have made, and i do not hold any one else's against them. but all i can do is give my best (whether you feel it's my best or not) and hope for the same respect in return. i have not negated the fond memories, or the good laughs, or the priceless experiences; i never have and i do not plan to. because if a close friendship is not what God has in store, at the end of the day, i still respect you as a human, and a person i once shared many irreplaceable moments with - moments of tears or moments of laughter, they still are apart of me, and make me the woman i am today and i wouldnt dare deny it. you too have helped me grow.


so ultimately, no, i do not wish to undo the painful mistakes that take residence in my past, because now, [since my niece is too young to be bothered with friend and love drama at the tender age of four and one-third years old....] when my friends experience their first heartaches, they come to me for comfort and advice (because not everyone's parents are as great & understanding as mine were when i was going through it). and as backwards as it may seem, i'm glad i can empathize and give them guidance and realistic advice that i wish my peers couldve given me, as opposed to the clichés they may get from others who don't quite understand. i like who i've become, and although i am not perfect, i do strive to be my best. so do not expect perfection. you will only be greatly disappointed. because i am human, and i am not afraid to own up to my mistakes. so i will not deny my past, because i can only learn from it and make the necessary changes to pave my way for like...the best future EVER!

" sometimes you'll laugh. sometimes you'll cry.
life never tells us the whens or whys.
but when you've got friends to wish you well.
you'll find your point when you will exhale..."

-Exhale(shoop shoop), Whitney Houston

i'm back!