i've said it before, i'll say it again. knowledge is power. ignorance is bliss.
i've been wanting to blog so badly.
the truth is, i have been blogging.
but once i get about 3/5's of the way through my thought..
i stop.
and i reflect.
and i realize that i can't say half the shit i want to on a public forum anymore.
i guess my life is too secretive...
there's emotions i want to blog about, but people aren't supposed to know i feel that way.
there are moments and times i want to blog about, but people aren't supposed to know i'm doing that.
there are people i want to blog about......and as much as i want to call you out, i know it'd be wrong...and you're not suppose to know i'm thinking about you.
this forum i once created because i was suffering from heartbreak and needed a release, became something absolutely paradoxical.
you know, my blog was once private. before i got comfortable with voluntarily spilling my heart through my keyboard and letting it flow onto my computer screen in a way that would allow even my most absurd thoughts to make sense through..who would have guessed, WORDS. then my thoughts got deep. and i wanted you to know. at first the 'you' was specific. i knew who my audience would be...but then hype of blogging grew, it became a fad, and as much as i was getting friend requests on facebook, i was getting followers. and of course, i'm not complaining. i'm flattered. flattered that you, whoever is reading this, finds me, my thoughts, my interests, interesting enough to read about them...and follow up...and sometimes even comment. i'm not saying its your fault that i feel uncomfortable...but it kind of is. and at the same time, obviously it is not. my blog simply lost it's purpose. blog posts where i used to blatantly refer to people by name and relation, have become posts where i can barely touch on a subject without having to second guess 'the consequences,' the audience, the alternate meanings...but moreso the interpretations..
so as i sat here and attempted to write a blog, about the confusing emotions post long-term relationships. i realized that, i don't even know where to begin. my life these last 12 months have been dismal at times..but overall, simply unimaginable...i want to surrender myself to my blog....but, i can't...there's too much to talk about and not enough i can say.
i don't trust people, i guess. but more so, i don't trust people with information. i honestly feel that places like internet and the infinite amount of information available to us, is going to hurt us more than it will help..ever. it will undoubtedly be our social downfall. i found myself searching the web today actually(...probably on a site or page i shouldnt have been on in the first place, but thats neither here nor there..) and i found myself hurting more from the information than the pleasure or ease of mind intended to gain from knowing.
the reality is, the world is more beautiful the less you know. it allows you to see the bigger picture. the simplicity. to be amazed. no need or room for questions or explanations. you understand the beauty of this life that we, instead, search so hard, and for so long to question, dissect, manipulate and control. so while i wish to have this outlet, i prefer that one not see all the everyday mechanics that go into living my life - as hard, and as wonderful as it may be. and while others may learn from or relate to or simply find entertainment in what i write, i'd want to blog for people to learn for their own well being, not to use my information against me. and since i can't control that, i'll start with what i can control - what i write. this blog was never intended to be a source of information in which i would be judged, but it is, it has been...and most likely will continue to be.
so while i started this blog with a thought, in hopes of reaching a conclusion that would help eliminate my 'bloggers block'..the reality is, it's not an issue of my ability to write, but my ability to share information.
i'm going to blame this 'insecurity' on my abnormally large, interconnected, communicative group of acquaintances.
