so i go to a predominately white school..i believe the statistic is like 3% African American. it's rare to find a black couple on this campus of mine, but most of us just accept that this is the reality and keep it pushin - the diversity of the bay area picks up where we slack...
today i was having a discussion, with both black males and female students at my school, and it got a little intense when the question was brought up of "why do you black guys always seem to be dating outside of your race?" from personal experience, i've learned to not ask that question a while back lol. of course the friendly drama broke out about how black girls are difficult to approach, mean, stuck up, etc. (so they just get it where they can) ...whatever.
unfortunately ive noticed my black generation is stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to this dating game. young men find themselves so caught up in a society, where not trying is what's cool, that they get turned off by females who don't respond to the simplest of efforts, and lines like "i see you shakin that, ma, you aint gon say hi?" (i got that one today..)..ok, firstly, you have two tears tattooed on your check, why would i approach you? isn't that supposed to mean youre some sort of threat? not to mention youre not swimming, but drowning in your clothes. and lastly, how am i supposed to respond to that? "oh, haha, yeeeah, you like that, daddy? yeah...i be shakin it sometimes..." yeah, umm no. i instead put some subtle pep in my step and scurry away, acting like i didn't hear you...i apologize for for being 'mean' ?
anyway.
with the role models men look up to nowadays, the whole message they aim to personify is that they don't try hard. things come to them with ease and idle time is a trait of success. dudes are getting so caught up in trying to be too cool for school all the damn time, that they stop putting forth effort into....well shit, anything. and especially not when it comes to dating - and that's probably the most disappointing thing about it all. instead of approaching females in a respectful manner, dudes are posted on the wall, sunglass on, brim low, holding the crotch of their pants, tugging at girls as they walk by or barking a simple "ay, ma!" ....THE F*CK I LOOK LIKE?! PLEASE NOTE: that is not ok..and definitely not attractive. not only does it make me want to not give you my time, it makes me want to steer as clear from you as possible. if you want my time you need to show me you may be worth it, because i can tell a lot about a man by the way he carries himself, and you, my man, are not sending the right messages. men need to get in touch with their roots, and remember what all women have to offer..specifically, but not exclusive to, black women..and then maybe they'll realize why their ways aren't attracting the attention they want. please. we're not being 'mean', we're being selective. and a man with dignity and poise is what grabs my attention. where are all the Morehouse men?? but even still, the part that puzzles me is why aren't dudes presenting themselves as so? what's wrong with dressing nicely, speaking well, being polite? why is that not something people are eager to display in themselves, something to be proud of? why must you come in late, sit in the back of every room, not paying attention and make foolish remarks to present the attitude that you don't care? what's wrong with acting like you care? you hear women complain about it all the time..but then you wonder why you're not attracting 'wifey material?' hmm....
but you know what, as much as i want to attribute this dating fail only to the dudes, it's the ladies too. my black male friend spoke on this today: "
the women that raised me really influenced how i view women. They taught me to respect, love and cherish them . unfortunately, the women I view today are overwhelmingly nothing like the women that raised me.
the sad part, to me at least, is that this disrespect is what our young ladies are used to. no longer do ladies even get the decency of honest conversation let alone respect from our young men. yes, women like attention, but the only way they can be expected to get that is if they dress a certain way (i need not get into detail about that one) or if they're able to shake their ass in a way that gets guys aroused at jump. why do we have to stoop that low? why is it that that's the approach we take to attract a guy's attention? young ladies find themselves settling for men who are doing nothing with their lives, don't treat them with the respect women deserve, or are just straight up jokes - a man should not approach you and ask you for your aim. -- but hey, as long as theyre getting attention, that's all women ask for now-a-days. *smh* they grow up with the mindset that 'good men' are hard to come by and end up settling for less. yes statistics of black men in college and earning degrees are decreasing, but it doesnt mean all black men are not making something of themselves. ladies should not be giving up, or even further, lowering their own personal standards for how they present themselves. get a man you deserve, period.
on the other side of things. there are women who have simply grown accustomed to the fact that they shouldn't expect much of black men today. which can be good and bad. of course, on one hand it breeds independent women, who don't even think to ask for a man for help, but when women carry this mindset into the dating scene, we settle for guys who do not treat us like the queens we are. picking up heavy stuff, helping around the house, or just doing things that they see need to be done instead of assuming that the woman will do it.
My dad always told his friends that he wanted me to marry a guy that had three qualities:
1. he loves & respects his mother, sister, grandmother etc.
2. he opens my door
3. he shines his shoes
..i wonder how many of you were caught off guard by the last one. let me explain. a man who loves and respects the women who raised him, knows nothing less than to respect, love all women in his life. secondly, a man who opens my door is familiar with the ways of chivalry and etiquette, he is well mannered and polite - always a great quality. lastly, a man who shines his shoes is a man who cares about his appearance. shining your shoes is not something many people do, so someone who does, is someone who goes that extra mile to present themselves well. now, while this may be fairly old school and southern (both of which my dad are), it's a good basis to finding a 'good man' ...a southern gentleman. that my friends, is my ideal kind of man.
now,
i don't expect a man to pay for everything, or buy me gifts all the time, or give me constant attention. i just ask for respect, and with that comes everything beautiful that relationships have to offer. if women learn to respect men and men learn to respect women - no matter the age or race, people will be able to stop 'settling' for less and find more happiness in coming together.
don't get me wrong, ladies, fellas, don't take yourselves too seriously ;)
